Tag Archives: funny

Visiting Peru? Might Want to Avoid Taking the Taxi

On the other hand, you might want to move to Peru permanently depending, as the Jedi like to say, on your point of view.

Beware the Peruvian taxi driver!

One Pablo Cayo, a janitor, showed up to work plastered one day. So his employer did what any scum-sucking pig of a corporation would do… they fired him. Fortunately for Pablo, a justice of the Constitutional Tribunal felt his pain and ordered that Pablo be given his job back. Maybe the justice has tossed a few back while on the bench. Who knows? All that matters is that Pablo, a fine upstanding and responsible citizen of Peru, has rightfully gotten his job back where he can sweep the floor while sloshed all he wants.

And people say America is the Land of the Free? I’m packing my bags for Peru, the only TRUE free country left in the world.

Truth comes in drunkeness

Thanks to ChurchSignGenerator.com for helping me out with the above image. Making fake signs is so much fun!

How to Get Your Coworkers Fired

Office antics are always great fun. But can they ever go too far?

I don’t know about that. But I do know they can definitely be taken advantage of to get rid of certain coworkers that you don’t much care for.

One common office antic that is quite universal is to mess with somebody’s workstation when they leave it unattended and unlocked. If you know time is short, then you are probably limited to accessing their email or instant messenger software to send funny messages or something else equally useless.

If you have plenty of time, a classic is to take a screenshot of their desktop, make it the wallpaper, then hide the taskbar and desktop icons. When the unsuspecting victim returns, their computer will appear to have locked up on them.

OR…

You send an instant message to yourself, walk back to your own workstation to respond, and back and forth having a conversation with the victim — or so it appears:

Framing your coworker

By taking a screenshot of the threats on your life, you can send the image to your boss, thereby getting him or her fired. If you really want to get crazy, you can call the cops. Threatening another person’s life is against the law!

One thing you must be certain of, however, is to not make the mistake I made and talk like yourself when you are pretending to be the intended victim. Also, make sure that your boss values you more than the coworker you’re trying to get rid of. Otherwise you’ll end up like me, in the boss’ doghouse — or worse, fired yourself!

Extensive kissing up prior to conducting the framing of your coworker is recommended. But that’s a whole other post.

Mind Stimulating Conversation of the Week

So… I stopped by the Macey’s on my way home from work today to pick up a bottle of some sweet Pace Picante Sauce. It was on sale for about a third off. Wow! Could there possibly be a better deal to be had anywhere in the universe? I think not!

Anyway, let’s get to the conversation part shall we?

I hit the express lane. Ten items or less, and I’m second in line. I’ll be out of there in no time! Unfortunately for me, the older gentleman ahead of me was using an archaic payment method. I think they call it “writing a check”?

Okay okay… I know. The conversation.

Okay, so the gentleman ahead of me takes a look at me and says, “Too much basketball?” and pointed at my slung-up arm.

“Too much motorcycling,” I respond.

I was about to continue the conversation when the man’s wife walks up and informs the man that he wrote his check out for the wrong amount. So he tears up his check and starts anew.

Now, this is where things get interesting. After the man finishes writing his new check and hands it to the amazingly hot cashier (yes, as you’ll find later on, the hotness of the cashier is an important factor to the story) he turns to me and says, “You know, six years ago they found a tumor in my colon that was this big,” and he holds his hands up to express a tumor that is roughly the size of an orange.

Okay. Now for some people, that might be a perfectly normal thing to say to a complete stranger that you meet in the checkout lane of the local grocery store. But for me, not so much.

My first thought was to respond with, “Wow, that is really gross!”

I managed to get out, “Wow…” before catching myself and realizing the rest probably isn’t very socially acceptable. Yeah, talking about your gigantic, cancerous, stage three colonic tumor is okay. Saying that talking about your gigantic, cancerous, stage three colonic tumor is gross is a bit inappropriate; or so says Miss Manners.

A bit taken aback, I’m not sure how to respond, so I say, “You know, I write for a living and I’ve written a lot about cancer treatments. It’s amazing what they can do these days.”

So after I learn that after 6 months of chemo treatments — no radiotherapy! — the tumor disappeared, the cashier has rung up my picante sauce and, looking quite apologetic for interrupting our stimulating discussion about cancer in the 7th planet from the Sun (Uranus… get it? Hahaha! It never gets old!), tells me I owe her $2.05. I hand my cash over.

The man then says he’s gotta go and bids farewell. Of all the places to get tongue tied! I wasn’t sure what to say. I almost said, “Good luck!”

Then, realizing that would be stupid (we’re in Orem Utah, not an unregulated whore house in Reno), I stammer out, “Have a good one!”

I turn to the amazingly hot cashier, who I would normally have been quite charming with, and simply thank her for allowing me the pleasure of spending my money

The end.

Nobody is THAT Stupid… Are They?

Machines take over the worldRemember the Family Guy episode where Peter accidentally locks his keys out of his car at the grocery store parking lot? He yells at passersby to hand him his keys which are lying on the ground just outside his car, but nobody helps him.

Something quite similar happened recently. Luckily the girl who locked herself in her car had a cell phone. That’s good because Continue reading

Actors and Spongmonkeys — A Tribute to Elwon Bakly

I was speaking with my friend Elwon Bakly yesterday. Elwon, for those who don’t know, is one of the most talented actors the world has ever known! Well, he would be if the world knew of him.

This speaking with Elwon lead me to consider watching a movie he was in called The Basket. He plays a returning WWII vet who is one pissed mofo at the German Nazi basties who messed him up somethin’ fierce while he was trying to free Europe.

Anyway, so I logged in to my Netflix account to watch the trailer for it. That’s when I realized that I could watch the entire movie (well, the important parts anyway… the parts with Elwon in them) just from the trailer.

So to honor my friend Elwon, I decided to put together this Eltage… or Monwon? Er, I’ll just say Elwon montage. Thus, you can now enjoy the greatness of Elwon Bakly.

Elwon gets a Purple Heart

Angry Elwon

Attack of the Spongmonkeys

Just a Dream

So there you have it folks!

Now, Elwon normally plays comedic roles. However, The Basket is a drama, and Elwon has played the part of Jesus of Nazareth in the past. Nonetheless, if you want to waste your time watching the parts of the movie that don’t have Elwon, well, I guess I won’t hold it against you.

Ninjas Make Me Cry

Why do ninjas make me cry you ask?

Is it because they appear in a choking black cloud of smoke to cover me in ninja throwing stars, then disappear while leaving me on the floor to suffer in great pain as I slowly bleed to death?

Or perhaps because they covertly conceal themselves silently in my bathroom waiting patiently for the perfect moment to strike me through the heart with their expertly crafted ninja sword as I relieve myself?

Is it for all the times a ninja has performed the “vibrating palm” death touch (or def touch for all you Bloodsport fans out there) on me, sending me to my grave only to then give me the life touch, pulling me back from heaven’s grasp?

Maybe it’s just because I feel so sorry for them because they have no sense of true style?

No… no, none of these is true. The real reason they make me cry is revealed in this image below.

Monkey Takes a Sip

Crying from laughter… shameful.

I Am Iron Man

It’s come to my attention that there are a lot of people out there claiming to be the man behind the iron mask. Well, I’m here to put all those rumors to rest. Conspiracy theorists need no longer concern themselves with what the real identity of Iron Man is. Donald Rumsfeld is NOT, in fact, Iron Man.

I had hoped I wouldn’t have to do this, but I’m just tired of other people taking credit for all my superheroing, world saving, cat-rescuing-out-of-trees and so forth. Yep, you guessed it. Iron Man is… ME! And here’s an actual, undoctored photo to prove it:

Stu’s First Comic Book

That’s me holding the very first comic book I ever bought, the May 1987 issue of Iron Man, purchased from a Safeway supermarket.

As you can see, the cover showed my demise. I had to check myself, because as far as I knew I was still quite intact. I had no choice but to purchase the comic book which was based on me. It was kind of weird having them call me Tony Stark and what not, but whatever. I guess they wanted to avoid getting sued by me.

Now, I know what you’re saying…

“Stu, how do we know you didn’t just create an Iron Man mask in your garage and put it on to fool us?”

Stu being escorted by F22 RaptorsTo that, I respond with this recent photo taken by the U.S. Military when I accidentally wandered into the air space over Area 51. My helmet was in the shop for repairs that day, so I just flew without it. And to answer your question before you ask it, yes I got a lot of bugs in my teeth that day.

Also, don’t forget to catch my movie coming out May 2nd. Unlike the comic book, I actually personally endorse it. Because, you know, me and director John Favreau are good pals. Maybe not as close as J.J. Abrams, but almost.

Why the World Needs Stu

The world loves StuIt started just short of a few years ago. Since that time, the world has come to love Stu (okay, maybe not EVERYbody). I never understood it. But then just a few days ago, it hit me.

The reason the world loves me is because they NEED me. Without me, the world would simply take itself far too seriously and lead itself into ruination. Total destruction. Absolute catastrophe. You know… the kind where cats and dogs start living together, lions and lambs get along, and we end up spending all of eternity picking fruit. And well, nobody wants that!

Too-serious people end up doing crazy stuff, like becoming cyberbullies (aka, butt heads).

So here’s a little advice from Stu himself:

Lighten up… Life’s too short to take seriously!