Tag Archives: 92

The Height of Stupidity (or fairly close to it)

As a general rule, crooks aren’t very bright. If they were, they wouldn’t be crooks. But there are a few smart ones that manage to not get thrown in the slammer. They are called politicians.

But you would think even the most vapid-minded criminal couldn’t possibly be this stupid. Now, I’m a California native, but I really like southerners (except for the ones that wear those huge white dunce caps). You may remember how I defended the honor of Miss Teen South Carolina when the rest of the country was making fun of her.

But then some idiot has to ruin it for southerners everywhere. A not-too-bright Georgia man attempted to open a bank account with a $1 million bill. Yes, you heard me right. The same $1 million bill that the treasury has never, ever printed.

Million Dollar BillThe teller refused to accept the bill. Now a brighter-than-your-average-crook person would, at this point, say, “Ha ha! Just kidding. Yeah, I mean, a million dollar bill. What idiot would actually think this thing is real? Funny joke, huh?”

But this guy was not that bright. After having his fake bill refused, the man had the audacity (er… I mean stupidity) to throw a fit! Once realizing the guy was actually serious, the bank teller called the cops. The cops showed up and hauled him off on charges of forgery. Then he was charged for a second count of forgery for the stolen check he had just used to buy the most valuable thing he could think of – cigarettes.

Unfortunately for New Englanders, this southerner was simply copying the arguably more stupid act of a Pittsburgh man who tried to pay for groceries with a million dollar bill, then flew into a rage when the grocery store didn’t have enough change.

My inside sources tell me that a highly advanced race of space aliens chose today to land and reveal themselves to us, but changed their minds after reading this story. I guess the aliens decided us humans aren’t quite ready for them. Thanks a lot stupid criminals!

Stupid Crook Holds Cell Phone for Ransom

You’ve heard of the Six Million Dollar Man. But what about the $185,000 cell phone?

A Columbia, PA man stole a woman’s cell phone and, despite being a normally very bright thief, then actually thought he could hold it ransom for six figures. The owner of the cell phone apparently is just a bit brighter than the crook however, managing to outmaneuver the ransomer with her deft negotiation skills, talking the crook down to $200.

Wow! I need to bring her with me next time I buy a car!

The crook, in a highly unusual fit of stupidity, agreed to meet the woman and make the exchange. Much to the crook’s surprise, the police just so happened to be hanging out at the agreed upon meeting place to arrest the cell-phone ransomer. Way to go boys in blue! Who says they’re never around when you need them?

Check out the full story.

Dentist Cares for Teeth… and Breasts Too

We usually think of dentists as pretty smart people. I mean, we have to call them doctor, and aren’t doctors supposed to be all knowing?

However, at least one not-so-bright person in the world has managed to get his doctorate in dentistry. A California dentist somehow thought that he could freely fondle the breasts of his female patients and convince them that it was a necessary treatment for TMJ (a disorder of the jaw).

Okay look, I’ve never really been entirely convinced by these new fangled homeopathic remedies. Some Chinese guy wanted to stick me full of needles once. Believe me, you’ve never seen me run faster before in my life!

Now, we might look at the dentist and think, “That’s stupid of him! What makes him think he would get away with that?”

Well, guess he wasn’t as stupid as we all think. He got away with it for several years at least.

Fortunately, one of the dentist’s patients finally figured out the dentist was full of crap and turned him in. But this is where it gets interesting. Once one person reported him and it made the news, victims started coming out of the woodwork. I’m left to wonder who the smarter person is here… the dentist, or the woman who claimed the dentist fondled her at least six times over a two year period.

Six times over two years?! Uhh… is he like the only dentist in all of California or something?

Read the full story here.

Maybe I Should Go to Anger Management

So, first I’m pissed that my neighbor’s dog craps on my lawn. Then the next day, I want to run over a guy on a scooter. What is the world coming to… or perhaps I should be asking, “What is my mind coming to?”

I’m driving home for lunch one day. I pull up to a red traffic light behind two men sitting on two scooters. They are about 20 feet back from where they ought to be, so I am about to go around them and pull all the way to the front, rather than waiting so far back. Before I can, the light turns green.

As I prepare to go, the two men on their scooters are busy yakety-yakking with each other and don’t notice the green light, so I politely toot my horn at them. Just two very light touches of the horn.

One of the scooter boys turns to give me a dirty look before finally accelerating, traveling 20 feet before even entering the intersection. About a block before my turn off, the same scooter boy that gave me a dirty look begins slowing down, turns around and yells at me, throwing up his hand. I yell at him, “What?” but quickly realize that he can’t hear me because all my windows are rolled up.

I turn on my turn signal and move over to make my turn, at which point scooter boy flips me the bird.

I think to myself, “Well what the heck is his problem?” Then I realize how easy it would be for me to simply kill scooter boy by running him over with my car. I floor the accelerator and steer towards scooter boy. My car downshifts, the engine revs, and I begin to accelerate.

Just as I’m about to make contact with numb-nuts… er, I mean scooter boy, I realize that I actually need to get home and eat lunch. That and killing dip-smack would probably land me in jail. So at the last possible moment, I quickly slam on the brakes, yank the wheel, and skid into a turn to head home.

Now, setting aside the stupidity of an idiot riding with no helmet and flipping off other drivers, I figured — just for a moment — that this guy deserved to die. I mean, if you’re stupid enough to point a gun at a cop without reason, then you are probably too stupid to serve much purpose in life. I figured the same was true of nimrod. I don’t know nutwad from Adam, but man did I ever want to run him over!

Well, I got home and killed my neighbor’s dog. Um… no, I didn’t really kill my neighbor’s dog. I just fantasized about it.

So, what would you say? I anger too easily, or scooter boy shouldn’t be riding around flipping off drivers for no reason? The answer is probably both, but since I have no control over bat-for-brains, I should just realize he’s an idiot and not be mad about it.

Before you decide, let me just say that 10 years ago I would have followed him long enough to get his license plate, found out where he lived, then probably torch his scooter in the middle of the night. And just for fun, I’d beat him with a baseball bat or something. So you see, I’m getting better!