Tag Archives: 86

Fraud of the FSM Church

For those whom I converted during my mission on behalf of the FSM Church, I apologize. You may feel that I lied to you, but the truth is, I earnestly believed in the FSM Church at the time.

Church of the Fraudulent Spaghetti MonsterHowever, certain “scientific truths” have come to light that have resulted in my apostatizing from the church. I can no longer continue on like a blinded fool, obeying the false doctrines of the FSM Church.

My mission now is to reveal the fraud of the FSM Church that others might not be fooled!

Read my story on my Church of FSM page. Down with the FSM!

Finally, Worthwhile Scientific Study Proves Sleep Is Good

With all the recent talk of pointless scientific studies on these pages, I’ve actually stumbled across one that seems to have been money well spent. So what grand knowledge have we gained from this most recent study? Very simply: sleep is good!

Those of you who are like me and have always insisted on getting a good 9+ hours of sleep each night now have something to back us up. The study pointed out, among many other things, that not everybody’s circadian rhythm (responsible for telling us when to sleep and when to not sleep) is the same. In fact, some of us have rhythms that are completely screwed up. Most prominent among them are night owls, who often have lengthened rhythms (they found in mice some with a circadian rhythm of up to 27 hours instead of 24) requiring that they stay up later and sleep longer.

Personally, I think the “mutation” that causes a lengthened circadian rhythm is in actuality the result of space aliens integrating with us Earthlings and cross breeding amongst us. The mutation is really just the result of a person inheriting the circadian rhythm of an alien from a world with longer days. What I’m saying, essentially, is that I am part alien. And no, I’m not referring to the fact that my mother is Filipino… I’m talking SPACE alien!
Aliens walking among us
This gives me special powers, like super strong teeth (as a teen, I brushed once a week and never got cavities), a super strong mind (you can punch my brain all day long, and it has no effect), and access to special alien technology that gives me super vision (a special alien lens known as “Accuvue” gives me better than 20/20 – so-called “perfect” – vision).

Unfortunately, my ancestors weren’t from a world with a shortened day, thereby giving me the mutation that allows me to get by on virtually no sleep. Fortunately, I haven’t inherited any really weird stuff, which I believe to be a conflict between human and alien genes, fighting in a never-ending internal struggle for control of the brain.

So what other benefits does my alien sleep rhythm provide me with? Take a look at Psychology Today’s article, Sleep: Strange Bedfellows.

Study Reveals, “Human Brain Will Believe Anything”

In the movie business, there’s this thing called “suspension of disbelief.” Suspension of disbelief is required when we are watching something on screen that is so outrageously impossible that the audience must disregard their knowledge of the real world in order to accept that what they just saw can actually happen.

Suspension of Disbelief

It’s this suspension of belief that makes it even remotely possible for people to enjoy movies like Top Gun (in order to believe that Tom Cruise could ever possibly make it through the Naval Academy and become an officer) or *shudder* Armageddon.

In another pointless study, researchers discovered that our brains are apparently designed to believe lies that are told to us, thus explaining why humans are so easily brainwashed, so quick to believe conspiracy theories, and can stand to watch movies like Armageddon.

Research showed that even when test subjects knew the truth, they tended to believe lies counter to what they knew to be true. Weird huh?

Read the full story at Reuters.

Religion NOT to Blame for World’s Problems

“Religious” violence, hatred and bigotry, and everything else that’s wrong in the world. Personally, I blame it on the natural stupidity of man. Animals express violence on occasion. Are they fighting over whose god is better? Do dogs chase cats, barking at them, “Dog god is true, cat god is false! Die cat, die!”

Do you honestly think our pal Osama would stop preaching death and violence if the entire world converted to Islam? Well, considering they can’t even decide which version of Islam is correct, I really doubt it. But what if we all joined Osama’s Islam?

My dad used to say, “If you get rid of guns, people will just find something else to kill with.” Cain didn’t have a gun, but he sure didn’t let it stop him.

Get rid of religion, and people will just find another reason to kill. It’s called power, lust, jealousy — remember Helen of Troy? The Spartans didn’t have guns either.

And here’s my reason (since I don’t give a flying crap what god(s) you pray to): My neighbor’s dog keeps crapping on my lawn. His dog is going to either stop crapping on my lawn, or it’s going to die.

My anger and desire to commit violence has nothing to do with the god my neighbor (or his dog) worships. I have a completely different reason for wanting to kill. So you see, the stupidity of my neighbor causes violence. Or am I stupid for wanting to kill over a little dog crap on my lawn?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now THAT’S worth fighting over! Get ready for some scientific violence boy and girls!

Scientific Studies Yet Again Prove Their Worth

In 2006, the geeks of the world brought us 50 new earth-shattering discoveries that, I don’t know, maybe saved a hamster’s life or something.

As 2007 begins to wind down, geeks have been no less virulent in their quest for new knowledge. So what are our universities and smartest scientists all figuring out with their very expensive studies? Here are a few highlights:

Polluted Air is Bad for You

Thanks, ’cause I had no idea hacking up a lung after inhaling air so thick you can cut it with a knife meant that it was killing me.

Buying Cigarettes Costs Money

Now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that spending money on cigarettes actually costs money? Wow! Well, at least spending money on other things, like pointless studies, doesn’t cost money! Or does it? Maybe we should do a study on that.

If You’re Dying, the Longer it Takes to Get to the Hospital the more Likely You are to Die

I’ll remember to tip my ambulance driver better next time.

Teenage Drivers Are More Likely to Behave Irresponsibly Behind the Wheel

Here’s another news breaker for you: get a bunch of teens together and they can be incredibly annoying. Shocking but true.

Taking Cocaine in Conjunction with Alcohol is Not Good for the Brain

So apparently cocaine does NOT counteract the effects of being a stupid drunk. If you’ve got stock in cocaine, you might want to dump it now before word gets out.

People Are Harder to Recognize the Farther Away they Are

Seriously! The reason this is true: the farther away something is, the more difficult it is to see. Hmmm… so THAT’S why I can’t see Pluto at night!

Well, that was almost all of them. But if you want to read about the remaining pointless studies where we learned really (not) important stuff as a result, check it out.

In fairness to those who conducted these studies, the article pointed out that it is apparently easier to get funding for studies designed to prove the obvious. Scientists often lobby for grant money to conduct stupid studies in order to fund more important research.

Okay, so the scientists have an excuse. But what do the institutions giving up the money have to say for themselves? Maybe we should conduct a study. Anybody want to fund me on that one?

Going Green? Give Up the Red

Apparently vegans have known about this for years, but the Brits have just recently come out to officially say that eating less red meat and dairy products will help cut back on greenhouse gas emissions.

Apparently livestock – which there is a lot of due to the worldwide demand for meat – puts out boatloads of greenhouse gases in the form of farts. Yes, you heard me right. Farting contributes to global warming. So if you ever needed a good reason to cut back on the burritos, this is it.

According to vegans, the idea behind eating less meat and dairy is that it will cut back on cow farming, thereby reducing cow farting.

EPA Enforcement Task Force

Personally, I don’t think the vegans go far enough. Us humans have the technology and smarts to put an end to the flatulence contribution of our very own species. I hereby declare that Beano should be a required part of every human’s diet! And no, I don’t hold stock in Beano… why do you ask?