In 2006, the geeks of the world brought us 50 new earth-shattering discoveries that, I don’t know, maybe saved a hamster’s life or something.
As 2007 begins to wind down, geeks have been no less virulent in their quest for new knowledge. So what are our universities and smartest scientists all figuring out with their very expensive studies? Here are a few highlights:
Polluted Air is Bad for You
Thanks, ’cause I had no idea hacking up a lung after inhaling air so thick you can cut it with a knife meant that it was killing me.
Buying Cigarettes Costs Money
Now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that spending money on cigarettes actually costs money? Wow! Well, at least spending money on other things, like pointless studies, doesn’t cost money! Or does it? Maybe we should do a study on that.
If You’re Dying, the Longer it Takes to Get to the Hospital the more Likely You are to Die
I’ll remember to tip my ambulance driver better next time.
Teenage Drivers Are More Likely to Behave Irresponsibly Behind the Wheel
Here’s another news breaker for you: get a bunch of teens together and they can be incredibly annoying. Shocking but true.
Taking Cocaine in Conjunction with Alcohol is Not Good for the Brain
So apparently cocaine does NOT counteract the effects of being a stupid drunk. If you’ve got stock in cocaine, you might want to dump it now before word gets out.
People Are Harder to Recognize the Farther Away they Are
Seriously! The reason this is true: the farther away something is, the more difficult it is to see. Hmmm… so THAT’S why I can’t see Pluto at night!
Well, that was almost all of them. But if you want to read about the remaining pointless studies where we learned really (not) important stuff as a result, check it out.
In fairness to those who conducted these studies, the article pointed out that it is apparently easier to get funding for studies designed to prove the obvious. Scientists often lobby for grant money to conduct stupid studies in order to fund more important research.
Okay, so the scientists have an excuse. But what do the institutions giving up the money have to say for themselves? Maybe we should conduct a study. Anybody want to fund me on that one?