Tag Archives: 82

My Life Has Been Threatened Yet Again

Why you ask? Because somebody has been offended by my writing? Because I killed the dog that craps on my lawn and the owner wants vengeance? Because I killed somebody and now their son has sworn to avenge his father’s death?

Actually, it’s because I’ve been hit with the blog equivalent of a chain letter, thanks to Wendy of the Life with Buck blog. Now, you know I hate chain letters, but my life is on the line here. Apparently if I don’t do this, I’ll be cast into the pit of Carkoon, nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc; where, in his belly, I’ll find a new definition of pain and suffering as I am slowly digested over a thousand years – or I’ll meet some other unpleasurable demise.

In this case, I must write seven factoids about myself, then tag seven other bloggers with the same task. Hmm… this seems eerily reminiscent. Here we go:

  1. I have a strange habit of half-heartedly trying to locate people from my past. For example, I’ve been trying to find one of my drill instructors for years. Not because I want to call or write him (after turning thousands of boys into Marines, there’s no way he’d ever remember me), but just because I’m curious to know how he’s faired in life. He was one of the meanest drill instructors I ever ran across, but was also the one I respected the most. He is hard core, and I can just imagine his chest being covered in medals. On the other hand, I also tried for years to locate an old friend who was starting a business that I had a high level of interest in. I lost his phone number and couldn’t find him for years. After hearing that he moved back to California, I nearly gave up trying to find him. Then I bought a house and, after attending church in my new ward (sort of like an LDS parish), I ran into the guy. Turns out his daughter lives in my ward and he has a house in North Orem. He called me that day and I wasn’t smart enough to save his phone number. Doh!
  2. What the heck is a Bothan?I know more about Star Wars than most people, save for the true Star Wars geeks that dress up like Ewoks and get beat up by less geeky people. Star Wars fans will often listen to me tell the untold history of Star Wars (like who Mon Mothma is and what her tie is to Bail Organa and the formation of the Rebel Alliance) and other tales (such as why Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn got his butt kicked by Darth Maul’s superior fighting skills, yet some snotty Padawan (Obi-Wan Kenobi) was able to defeat him). These people then take what I’ve told them, and retell others as if they are some kind of Star Wars geek know-it-all. Then they usually get beat up for knowing way too much about Star Wars. Sadly, my knowledge is not nearly as impressive today, what with the advent of Wikipedia and the Star Wars Databank.
  3. I am descended of a Filipino Datu. A Datu is a native chief, considered royalty in a sense. However, my ancestral Datu made the mistake of falling in love and marrying one of the peasant women. He was thereafter disowned by his family and joined the normal population.
  4. not at the head of his classDespite being half Filipino, I look white enough to infiltrate the KKK, something I sometimes think of doing just so I can work my way up to Grand Numbskull (or whatever they call him), obtain full allegiance from the majority, then announcing my non-white background. Bwah hahaha!!! They would probably kill me at that point, but it might be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.
  5. I started my first blog (though without any commenting capabilities) in 1999. You can catch a glimpse of it on the Way Back Machine. A couple years later, some self-proclaimed Internet marketing guru sent me a newsletter saying that blogs would be the next big breakout marketing tool. I remember very clearly thinking, “That’s a load of crap! I had one of those blog thingers back in ’99 and it didn’t do squat for me!” I have also said that eBay Stores would fail when it was first introduced, that Google’s stock price would go down on the first day, and that the iMac would die a painful death while dragging Apple to the grave. On the other hand, I wrote a fictional story about the “Mid-East War” about a year before Desert Storm.
  6. I’m a card counter even though I’m not very good with numbers. I visit Vegas about once a year and usually come out way ahead thanks to my card counting skills at the blackjack table. However, when I went earlier this year, I somehow got counting backwards (uh, yeah. I’m really not very good with numbers.) This resulted in my betting large when the count was bad (and therefore losing) and betting small when the count was good (thereby winning, but only small amounts). I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life!
  7. If the Marine Corps knocked on my door tomorrow morning, handed me a rifle that could be used with one arm, and asked me to ship out to the front for the next two years, I would pack my bags right then and there and go. In fact, there’s a good chance I’d do the same for any of the branches of the military. My wife knows this and has accepted it, probably because she knows it would never happen. Along the same lines, if NASA knocked on my door and asked me to be part of a two-year mission to Mars, I would do the same. If I had to choose between the two, my desire to fly into space and set foot on another planet would probably win out over my sense of duty and I would take the mission to Mars.

So there you have it! Oh wait, I just found out there are no death threats attached with this. Dang it all to heck!!! Uh, I guess my life isn’t in danger after all. That somehow takes the adrenalin rush away from it, doesn’t it?

I hereby tag the following. Remember, there are no death threats attached, so there is no reason to be a hater! Some of you were previously tagged, but if you didn’t respond to my previous tagging, you are getting hit again!

Clark (who is long overdue for a blog post)
Mikal (who had trouble accessing my blog the first time around)
Ryan (who threatened to kill me the first time around)

Umm… as for the other four, how about if you feel the desire to be tagged, you go ahead and tag yourself on my behalf. Now, if a piano falls on my head or I get thrown into the pit of Carkoon, it’s your fault!

Maybe I Should Go to Anger Management

So, first I’m pissed that my neighbor’s dog craps on my lawn. Then the next day, I want to run over a guy on a scooter. What is the world coming to… or perhaps I should be asking, “What is my mind coming to?”

I’m driving home for lunch one day. I pull up to a red traffic light behind two men sitting on two scooters. They are about 20 feet back from where they ought to be, so I am about to go around them and pull all the way to the front, rather than waiting so far back. Before I can, the light turns green.

As I prepare to go, the two men on their scooters are busy yakety-yakking with each other and don’t notice the green light, so I politely toot my horn at them. Just two very light touches of the horn.

One of the scooter boys turns to give me a dirty look before finally accelerating, traveling 20 feet before even entering the intersection. About a block before my turn off, the same scooter boy that gave me a dirty look begins slowing down, turns around and yells at me, throwing up his hand. I yell at him, “What?” but quickly realize that he can’t hear me because all my windows are rolled up.

I turn on my turn signal and move over to make my turn, at which point scooter boy flips me the bird.

I think to myself, “Well what the heck is his problem?” Then I realize how easy it would be for me to simply kill scooter boy by running him over with my car. I floor the accelerator and steer towards scooter boy. My car downshifts, the engine revs, and I begin to accelerate.

Just as I’m about to make contact with numb-nuts… er, I mean scooter boy, I realize that I actually need to get home and eat lunch. That and killing dip-smack would probably land me in jail. So at the last possible moment, I quickly slam on the brakes, yank the wheel, and skid into a turn to head home.

Now, setting aside the stupidity of an idiot riding with no helmet and flipping off other drivers, I figured — just for a moment — that this guy deserved to die. I mean, if you’re stupid enough to point a gun at a cop without reason, then you are probably too stupid to serve much purpose in life. I figured the same was true of nimrod. I don’t know nutwad from Adam, but man did I ever want to run him over!

Well, I got home and killed my neighbor’s dog. Um… no, I didn’t really kill my neighbor’s dog. I just fantasized about it.

So, what would you say? I anger too easily, or scooter boy shouldn’t be riding around flipping off drivers for no reason? The answer is probably both, but since I have no control over bat-for-brains, I should just realize he’s an idiot and not be mad about it.

Before you decide, let me just say that 10 years ago I would have followed him long enough to get his license plate, found out where he lived, then probably torch his scooter in the middle of the night. And just for fun, I’d beat him with a baseball bat or something. So you see, I’m getting better!