Tag Archives: 55

An Open Letter to My Favorite Restaurants

Dear My Favorite Restaurants,

Recently, Men’s Health magazine trashed you for no good reason. That came as no surprise to me, since they don’t have anything better to do but put others down so all those hot-bodied guys they use as models can feel better about themselves (now, did I just say that because I’m a closeted gay, or just make you wonder if I am? hmm…)

However, your reaction to said report was rather disappointing. To that, I have but one thing to say: Stop Being Embarrassed About Having Yummy Food!

Okay, I get it. Your food is packed full of calories, trans fats, artificial flavorings, and radioactive materials. I don’t care! Serve me up a 50,000 calorie dish! I can only eat a tenth of it anyway.

Serve me up some incredibly unhealthy garbage! If it tastes good, I’ll eat it and come back for more.

So Red Robin, you got trashed because you don’t provide nutritional information on your gigantic gourmet burgers. Look, I’m okay with that! I’m not ordering giant burgers because I’m watching my weight or because I think they’ll prevent cancer.

Outback Steakhouse, stop trying to hide the fact that your cheese fries have nearly 3,000 calories. It’s how you say “yummy fries” in Australian, right? I get it! I want to eat fries like an Australian. Bring it on!

The Hooters waitressesHooters… I don’t go there for the wings, okay? I don’t care that it’s unhealthy, or gross, or anything else. However, you really ought to tell that hairy-armed, mustached waitress to shave or something.

And Arby’s. You put artificial flavoring in your “all natural” chicken strips? Well hold on while I puke up the thousands of chicken strips I’ve had over the last 15 years… so I can taste them again because they are so good!

And Fuddruckers, how dare you even consider putting up nutritional information about your one-pound burgers. Look, I’m a small guy and can barely get down a quarter pounder. But if I ever decide to try and take down a full pounder, it will be because I’m trying to commit suicide. Suicide by burger… mmm.

And Papa John’s, you aren’t making any attempt to put more healthy options on your menu? Well why should you? You only have the awesomest pizza IN THE WORLD! Don’t you dare touch your already perfect pizza. Change one ingredient and I shall never return! Unless, of course, the change is to put the incredibly-unhealthy-but-oh-so-sumptuous garlic sauce right into the pizza so I won’t have to dip it anymore. That would make the perfect pizza even more perfect.

And finally, my most oft-visited restaurant, Burger King. First, props for bringing back the Burger King in your commercials. I love that guy! Second, why in the world are you phasing out your french toast sticks?

One sweet Burger King montage

So the fools at Men’s Health outed you on the fact that each stick contains 4 grams of fat. Once again, I’m not eating fast food for the health benefits. You’re being sued for not removing trans fats quickly enough? What happened to this being a free country?! I don’t need some idiot government watch dog to protect me from myself. If I want to freakin’ eat french toast sticks covered in hot lard, then that’s my freakin’ choice!

Every restaurant everywhere, be proud of your unhealthy-yet-yummy food! I’ve already quit eating at McDonald’s because they got rid of the super-size option and made their once delicious fries more healthy (and disgusting).

Somebody, please, stop the insanity!

Sincerely,

Lover of Unhealthy Foods

More Cellphone Photos

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted. Yep, it’s been a little crazy busy lately. But now that I get a nice four-day weekend, I figured I’d put a little sumthin’-sumthin’ up.

Longtime readers may be wondering where my anti-Christmas rant is for the year. Well, like I said, it’s been busy. But this and this ought to suffice.

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another cellphone pictures post.

First up: Here’s a picture of a Murcielago I happened upon on my way home from work one day.

Lamborghini Mucielago

That huge blob at the bottom of the photo? My finger. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Luckily, my fingers didn’t get in the way of this next one.

I saw this ’57 ‘Vette on my way back from lunch one day. I stopped and asked the owner if I could take a picture.

1957 Chevy Corvette

Here’s an interesting look into my work (although this incident happened at my previous job). An intro might help. Since I worked in the marketing department of this company, I had gone out and purchased Cory Rudl’s (may he rest in peace) Internet Marketing thingermajinger lesson book thing. It cost me $200.

Well, our biz dev manager worked out a partner deal with these guys, went up to Canada to visit them, and received two free copies of an updated version.

After screaming, “What the hell?!” I grabbed my $200 copy and threw on the ground, picked it up and threw it again. The pages all came flying out of the binder. My coworker, Ryan (aka Buck as most of us call him), was not happy that I was making a mess of the workplace, so he grabbed all the papers and threw them all over my cubicle. Nice!

IMC Death

Speaking of Buck, this is what happens at my former work place when you decide to go on vacation:

Buck returns from vacation

Yeah, so Buck and I had worked up to 4 weeks of paid vacation, but you have to really think hard about whether or not you actually wanted to ever use it.

As long as we’re on the subject of childish behavior…

So I’ve been teaching Sunday School to teenagers in the various wards I’ve lived in for the last 3 out of 4 years. In my previous ward, one of my students grabbed my phone and snapped this photo while I wasn’t looking:

Britney steals Stu's phone

Sorry for embarrassing you Britney. She is actually a very pretty girl when she’s not making faces. No, really!

And just to show that teenage behavior is the same no matter where you live; in my new ward, another one of my students stole my phone and snapped this beautiful picture of my hand.

Jake steals Stu's phone

Remember the biz dev manager that resulted in the death of my Internet Marketing thinger manual? Well, he broke his ankle a while back, and I had the pleasure of being among the first to sign his cast.

Jared's broken ankle

As long as we’re on Jared, the biz dev manager; he often gets to go to free Jazz games where one of the partners he works with owns a suite. At one game, while he was stuffing his face with all-you-can eat shrimp and crab legs, I was up in the nose bleeds with my good buddy Brad.

Brad and Stu at a Jazz game

And yes, we really were in the nose bleed section:

Nose bleeds at a Jazz game

And finally…

I have to apologize to Senator Edwards on this for a rather unflattering photo of him, but I was trying to hurry and snap this before it changed.

This occurred during a democratic presidential debate several weeks ago.

John Edwards at presidential debate

I think the look on Edwards’ face makes it clear what his thoughts on the matter are: “What the hell is a positon?”

So there you have it folks. A nice long post to make up for a long absence.

Edit: 12/28/2007

One sweet show-winning Mustang for good measure:

Mustang II

The Height of Stupidity (or fairly close to it)

As a general rule, crooks aren’t very bright. If they were, they wouldn’t be crooks. But there are a few smart ones that manage to not get thrown in the slammer. They are called politicians.

But you would think even the most vapid-minded criminal couldn’t possibly be this stupid. Now, I’m a California native, but I really like southerners (except for the ones that wear those huge white dunce caps). You may remember how I defended the honor of Miss Teen South Carolina when the rest of the country was making fun of her.

But then some idiot has to ruin it for southerners everywhere. A not-too-bright Georgia man attempted to open a bank account with a $1 million bill. Yes, you heard me right. The same $1 million bill that the treasury has never, ever printed.

Million Dollar BillThe teller refused to accept the bill. Now a brighter-than-your-average-crook person would, at this point, say, “Ha ha! Just kidding. Yeah, I mean, a million dollar bill. What idiot would actually think this thing is real? Funny joke, huh?”

But this guy was not that bright. After having his fake bill refused, the man had the audacity (er… I mean stupidity) to throw a fit! Once realizing the guy was actually serious, the bank teller called the cops. The cops showed up and hauled him off on charges of forgery. Then he was charged for a second count of forgery for the stolen check he had just used to buy the most valuable thing he could think of – cigarettes.

Unfortunately for New Englanders, this southerner was simply copying the arguably more stupid act of a Pittsburgh man who tried to pay for groceries with a million dollar bill, then flew into a rage when the grocery store didn’t have enough change.

My inside sources tell me that a highly advanced race of space aliens chose today to land and reveal themselves to us, but changed their minds after reading this story. I guess the aliens decided us humans aren’t quite ready for them. Thanks a lot stupid criminals!

Study Reveals, “Human Brain Will Believe Anything”

In the movie business, there’s this thing called “suspension of disbelief.” Suspension of disbelief is required when we are watching something on screen that is so outrageously impossible that the audience must disregard their knowledge of the real world in order to accept that what they just saw can actually happen.

Suspension of Disbelief

It’s this suspension of belief that makes it even remotely possible for people to enjoy movies like Top Gun (in order to believe that Tom Cruise could ever possibly make it through the Naval Academy and become an officer) or *shudder* Armageddon.

In another pointless study, researchers discovered that our brains are apparently designed to believe lies that are told to us, thus explaining why humans are so easily brainwashed, so quick to believe conspiracy theories, and can stand to watch movies like Armageddon.

Research showed that even when test subjects knew the truth, they tended to believe lies counter to what they knew to be true. Weird huh?

Read the full story at Reuters.

Stupid Crook Holds Cell Phone for Ransom

You’ve heard of the Six Million Dollar Man. But what about the $185,000 cell phone?

A Columbia, PA man stole a woman’s cell phone and, despite being a normally very bright thief, then actually thought he could hold it ransom for six figures. The owner of the cell phone apparently is just a bit brighter than the crook however, managing to outmaneuver the ransomer with her deft negotiation skills, talking the crook down to $200.

Wow! I need to bring her with me next time I buy a car!

The crook, in a highly unusual fit of stupidity, agreed to meet the woman and make the exchange. Much to the crook’s surprise, the police just so happened to be hanging out at the agreed upon meeting place to arrest the cell-phone ransomer. Way to go boys in blue! Who says they’re never around when you need them?

Check out the full story.

Dentist Cares for Teeth… and Breasts Too

We usually think of dentists as pretty smart people. I mean, we have to call them doctor, and aren’t doctors supposed to be all knowing?

However, at least one not-so-bright person in the world has managed to get his doctorate in dentistry. A California dentist somehow thought that he could freely fondle the breasts of his female patients and convince them that it was a necessary treatment for TMJ (a disorder of the jaw).

Okay look, I’ve never really been entirely convinced by these new fangled homeopathic remedies. Some Chinese guy wanted to stick me full of needles once. Believe me, you’ve never seen me run faster before in my life!

Now, we might look at the dentist and think, “That’s stupid of him! What makes him think he would get away with that?”

Well, guess he wasn’t as stupid as we all think. He got away with it for several years at least.

Fortunately, one of the dentist’s patients finally figured out the dentist was full of crap and turned him in. But this is where it gets interesting. Once one person reported him and it made the news, victims started coming out of the woodwork. I’m left to wonder who the smarter person is here… the dentist, or the woman who claimed the dentist fondled her at least six times over a two year period.

Six times over two years?! Uhh… is he like the only dentist in all of California or something?

Read the full story here.

Religion NOT to Blame for World’s Problems

“Religious” violence, hatred and bigotry, and everything else that’s wrong in the world. Personally, I blame it on the natural stupidity of man. Animals express violence on occasion. Are they fighting over whose god is better? Do dogs chase cats, barking at them, “Dog god is true, cat god is false! Die cat, die!”

Do you honestly think our pal Osama would stop preaching death and violence if the entire world converted to Islam? Well, considering they can’t even decide which version of Islam is correct, I really doubt it. But what if we all joined Osama’s Islam?

My dad used to say, “If you get rid of guns, people will just find something else to kill with.” Cain didn’t have a gun, but he sure didn’t let it stop him.

Get rid of religion, and people will just find another reason to kill. It’s called power, lust, jealousy — remember Helen of Troy? The Spartans didn’t have guns either.

And here’s my reason (since I don’t give a flying crap what god(s) you pray to): My neighbor’s dog keeps crapping on my lawn. His dog is going to either stop crapping on my lawn, or it’s going to die.

My anger and desire to commit violence has nothing to do with the god my neighbor (or his dog) worships. I have a completely different reason for wanting to kill. So you see, the stupidity of my neighbor causes violence. Or am I stupid for wanting to kill over a little dog crap on my lawn?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now THAT’S worth fighting over! Get ready for some scientific violence boy and girls!

Scientific Studies Yet Again Prove Their Worth

In 2006, the geeks of the world brought us 50 new earth-shattering discoveries that, I don’t know, maybe saved a hamster’s life or something.

As 2007 begins to wind down, geeks have been no less virulent in their quest for new knowledge. So what are our universities and smartest scientists all figuring out with their very expensive studies? Here are a few highlights:

Polluted Air is Bad for You

Thanks, ’cause I had no idea hacking up a lung after inhaling air so thick you can cut it with a knife meant that it was killing me.

Buying Cigarettes Costs Money

Now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that spending money on cigarettes actually costs money? Wow! Well, at least spending money on other things, like pointless studies, doesn’t cost money! Or does it? Maybe we should do a study on that.

If You’re Dying, the Longer it Takes to Get to the Hospital the more Likely You are to Die

I’ll remember to tip my ambulance driver better next time.

Teenage Drivers Are More Likely to Behave Irresponsibly Behind the Wheel

Here’s another news breaker for you: get a bunch of teens together and they can be incredibly annoying. Shocking but true.

Taking Cocaine in Conjunction with Alcohol is Not Good for the Brain

So apparently cocaine does NOT counteract the effects of being a stupid drunk. If you’ve got stock in cocaine, you might want to dump it now before word gets out.

People Are Harder to Recognize the Farther Away they Are

Seriously! The reason this is true: the farther away something is, the more difficult it is to see. Hmmm… so THAT’S why I can’t see Pluto at night!

Well, that was almost all of them. But if you want to read about the remaining pointless studies where we learned really (not) important stuff as a result, check it out.

In fairness to those who conducted these studies, the article pointed out that it is apparently easier to get funding for studies designed to prove the obvious. Scientists often lobby for grant money to conduct stupid studies in order to fund more important research.

Okay, so the scientists have an excuse. But what do the institutions giving up the money have to say for themselves? Maybe we should conduct a study. Anybody want to fund me on that one?