Tag Archives: 48

The Other Side of “Don’t Tase Me Bro!”

So “Don’t tase me bro!” was the #1 phrase of 2007. That’s great and all, but as somebody who writes for a living, what I really wanted to know was what phrases were at the bottom of the list?

Why do I want to know you ask?

I once read that the best way to get people to your blog is to write about stuff that is highly controversial and/or polarizing. By doing so, every crazy person on the planet will converge on your blog and you can just sit back and watch the blood fly!

George Clooney's perfect storm of moviesSo I figure, “Hey, if I use the most hated phrases in the world on my blog, maybe I’ll catch me a few new readers to add to the three or so (including me) that I already have!”

Sweet plan, eh? Luckily some other guy that writes for a living did the research so I could steal it from him.

So get ready for some blood, because you are about to experience a perfect storm surge of post 9/11 decimation where wrong is the new right!

Webinar – Look, I’ve participated in and helped manage several webinars in my time. So to this I say, “Shove it up your —” well, you know.

X is the New Y – I have to contribute this to doctors. Who else but people who know everything (otherwise, how could they have gotten a doctorate?) could have come up with something so witty? I say that college drop outs are the new geniuses.

Not everything is organic!Organic — This is on the list not so much for it’s stupidity, but for it’s overuse. Since I work in online marketing, where we use the term “organic” to refer to natural search engine results, I have to agree with this one. Look, there’s nothing organic about computer programs! That doesn’t happen until the 24th century.

Decimate – I know what you’re thinking. To decimate means to utterly and completely destroy. Wrong! You can thank the news media, who supposedly know what they are talking about, for confusing your understanding of this word. “Deci” is one tenth (think decimeter), and decimate originally meant to take one tenth of something. But today it means to destroy most, but not all, of something.

Maybe it has it’s origins from Australia? If you destroy nine-tenths of a mate, you are left with one-tenth of a mate, or a deci-mate. Maybe the media should start using the term “decamate,” which I hereby declare means to completely destroy 10 times over. Now that’s what I call a perfect storm of destruction!

Post 9/11 – Uh, I’m not sure why this made the list. How are we supposed to refer to the time frame in which Thankgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, and that fraud of a holiday Kwanzaa as? Post 11/3? I don’t think so.

Popeye the SailormanSweet – Sweet! Hey, how come “dude” didn’t make the list? DUDE! Along the same lines, “It is what it is,” a distorted form of “I yam what I yam,” made the list too. What, nobody’s a fan of Popeye?

Wordsmithing — No, wordsmithing is not what I do… BECAUSE IT’S NOT A WORD!

Check out more phrases that made the list.

An Open Letter to My Favorite Restaurants

Dear My Favorite Restaurants,

Recently, Men’s Health magazine trashed you for no good reason. That came as no surprise to me, since they don’t have anything better to do but put others down so all those hot-bodied guys they use as models can feel better about themselves (now, did I just say that because I’m a closeted gay, or just make you wonder if I am? hmm…)

However, your reaction to said report was rather disappointing. To that, I have but one thing to say: Stop Being Embarrassed About Having Yummy Food!

Okay, I get it. Your food is packed full of calories, trans fats, artificial flavorings, and radioactive materials. I don’t care! Serve me up a 50,000 calorie dish! I can only eat a tenth of it anyway.

Serve me up some incredibly unhealthy garbage! If it tastes good, I’ll eat it and come back for more.

So Red Robin, you got trashed because you don’t provide nutritional information on your gigantic gourmet burgers. Look, I’m okay with that! I’m not ordering giant burgers because I’m watching my weight or because I think they’ll prevent cancer.

Outback Steakhouse, stop trying to hide the fact that your cheese fries have nearly 3,000 calories. It’s how you say “yummy fries” in Australian, right? I get it! I want to eat fries like an Australian. Bring it on!

The Hooters waitressesHooters… I don’t go there for the wings, okay? I don’t care that it’s unhealthy, or gross, or anything else. However, you really ought to tell that hairy-armed, mustached waitress to shave or something.

And Arby’s. You put artificial flavoring in your “all natural” chicken strips? Well hold on while I puke up the thousands of chicken strips I’ve had over the last 15 years… so I can taste them again because they are so good!

And Fuddruckers, how dare you even consider putting up nutritional information about your one-pound burgers. Look, I’m a small guy and can barely get down a quarter pounder. But if I ever decide to try and take down a full pounder, it will be because I’m trying to commit suicide. Suicide by burger… mmm.

And Papa John’s, you aren’t making any attempt to put more healthy options on your menu? Well why should you? You only have the awesomest pizza IN THE WORLD! Don’t you dare touch your already perfect pizza. Change one ingredient and I shall never return! Unless, of course, the change is to put the incredibly-unhealthy-but-oh-so-sumptuous garlic sauce right into the pizza so I won’t have to dip it anymore. That would make the perfect pizza even more perfect.

And finally, my most oft-visited restaurant, Burger King. First, props for bringing back the Burger King in your commercials. I love that guy! Second, why in the world are you phasing out your french toast sticks?

One sweet Burger King montage

So the fools at Men’s Health outed you on the fact that each stick contains 4 grams of fat. Once again, I’m not eating fast food for the health benefits. You’re being sued for not removing trans fats quickly enough? What happened to this being a free country?! I don’t need some idiot government watch dog to protect me from myself. If I want to freakin’ eat french toast sticks covered in hot lard, then that’s my freakin’ choice!

Every restaurant everywhere, be proud of your unhealthy-yet-yummy food! I’ve already quit eating at McDonald’s because they got rid of the super-size option and made their once delicious fries more healthy (and disgusting).

Somebody, please, stop the insanity!

Sincerely,

Lover of Unhealthy Foods

More Cellphone Photos

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted. Yep, it’s been a little crazy busy lately. But now that I get a nice four-day weekend, I figured I’d put a little sumthin’-sumthin’ up.

Longtime readers may be wondering where my anti-Christmas rant is for the year. Well, like I said, it’s been busy. But this and this ought to suffice.

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another cellphone pictures post.

First up: Here’s a picture of a Murcielago I happened upon on my way home from work one day.

Lamborghini Mucielago

That huge blob at the bottom of the photo? My finger. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Luckily, my fingers didn’t get in the way of this next one.

I saw this ’57 ‘Vette on my way back from lunch one day. I stopped and asked the owner if I could take a picture.

1957 Chevy Corvette

Here’s an interesting look into my work (although this incident happened at my previous job). An intro might help. Since I worked in the marketing department of this company, I had gone out and purchased Cory Rudl’s (may he rest in peace) Internet Marketing thingermajinger lesson book thing. It cost me $200.

Well, our biz dev manager worked out a partner deal with these guys, went up to Canada to visit them, and received two free copies of an updated version.

After screaming, “What the hell?!” I grabbed my $200 copy and threw on the ground, picked it up and threw it again. The pages all came flying out of the binder. My coworker, Ryan (aka Buck as most of us call him), was not happy that I was making a mess of the workplace, so he grabbed all the papers and threw them all over my cubicle. Nice!

IMC Death

Speaking of Buck, this is what happens at my former work place when you decide to go on vacation:

Buck returns from vacation

Yeah, so Buck and I had worked up to 4 weeks of paid vacation, but you have to really think hard about whether or not you actually wanted to ever use it.

As long as we’re on the subject of childish behavior…

So I’ve been teaching Sunday School to teenagers in the various wards I’ve lived in for the last 3 out of 4 years. In my previous ward, one of my students grabbed my phone and snapped this photo while I wasn’t looking:

Britney steals Stu's phone

Sorry for embarrassing you Britney. She is actually a very pretty girl when she’s not making faces. No, really!

And just to show that teenage behavior is the same no matter where you live; in my new ward, another one of my students stole my phone and snapped this beautiful picture of my hand.

Jake steals Stu's phone

Remember the biz dev manager that resulted in the death of my Internet Marketing thinger manual? Well, he broke his ankle a while back, and I had the pleasure of being among the first to sign his cast.

Jared's broken ankle

As long as we’re on Jared, the biz dev manager; he often gets to go to free Jazz games where one of the partners he works with owns a suite. At one game, while he was stuffing his face with all-you-can eat shrimp and crab legs, I was up in the nose bleeds with my good buddy Brad.

Brad and Stu at a Jazz game

And yes, we really were in the nose bleed section:

Nose bleeds at a Jazz game

And finally…

I have to apologize to Senator Edwards on this for a rather unflattering photo of him, but I was trying to hurry and snap this before it changed.

This occurred during a democratic presidential debate several weeks ago.

John Edwards at presidential debate

I think the look on Edwards’ face makes it clear what his thoughts on the matter are: “What the hell is a positon?”

So there you have it folks. A nice long post to make up for a long absence.

Edit: 12/28/2007

One sweet show-winning Mustang for good measure:

Mustang II

Fraud of the FSM Church

For those whom I converted during my mission on behalf of the FSM Church, I apologize. You may feel that I lied to you, but the truth is, I earnestly believed in the FSM Church at the time.

Church of the Fraudulent Spaghetti MonsterHowever, certain “scientific truths” have come to light that have resulted in my apostatizing from the church. I can no longer continue on like a blinded fool, obeying the false doctrines of the FSM Church.

My mission now is to reveal the fraud of the FSM Church that others might not be fooled!

Read my story on my Church of FSM page. Down with the FSM!

The Height of Stupidity (or fairly close to it)

As a general rule, crooks aren’t very bright. If they were, they wouldn’t be crooks. But there are a few smart ones that manage to not get thrown in the slammer. They are called politicians.

But you would think even the most vapid-minded criminal couldn’t possibly be this stupid. Now, I’m a California native, but I really like southerners (except for the ones that wear those huge white dunce caps). You may remember how I defended the honor of Miss Teen South Carolina when the rest of the country was making fun of her.

But then some idiot has to ruin it for southerners everywhere. A not-too-bright Georgia man attempted to open a bank account with a $1 million bill. Yes, you heard me right. The same $1 million bill that the treasury has never, ever printed.

Million Dollar BillThe teller refused to accept the bill. Now a brighter-than-your-average-crook person would, at this point, say, “Ha ha! Just kidding. Yeah, I mean, a million dollar bill. What idiot would actually think this thing is real? Funny joke, huh?”

But this guy was not that bright. After having his fake bill refused, the man had the audacity (er… I mean stupidity) to throw a fit! Once realizing the guy was actually serious, the bank teller called the cops. The cops showed up and hauled him off on charges of forgery. Then he was charged for a second count of forgery for the stolen check he had just used to buy the most valuable thing he could think of – cigarettes.

Unfortunately for New Englanders, this southerner was simply copying the arguably more stupid act of a Pittsburgh man who tried to pay for groceries with a million dollar bill, then flew into a rage when the grocery store didn’t have enough change.

My inside sources tell me that a highly advanced race of space aliens chose today to land and reveal themselves to us, but changed their minds after reading this story. I guess the aliens decided us humans aren’t quite ready for them. Thanks a lot stupid criminals!

My Life Has Been Threatened Yet Again

Why you ask? Because somebody has been offended by my writing? Because I killed the dog that craps on my lawn and the owner wants vengeance? Because I killed somebody and now their son has sworn to avenge his father’s death?

Actually, it’s because I’ve been hit with the blog equivalent of a chain letter, thanks to Wendy of the Life with Buck blog. Now, you know I hate chain letters, but my life is on the line here. Apparently if I don’t do this, I’ll be cast into the pit of Carkoon, nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc; where, in his belly, I’ll find a new definition of pain and suffering as I am slowly digested over a thousand years – or I’ll meet some other unpleasurable demise.

In this case, I must write seven factoids about myself, then tag seven other bloggers with the same task. Hmm… this seems eerily reminiscent. Here we go:

  1. I have a strange habit of half-heartedly trying to locate people from my past. For example, I’ve been trying to find one of my drill instructors for years. Not because I want to call or write him (after turning thousands of boys into Marines, there’s no way he’d ever remember me), but just because I’m curious to know how he’s faired in life. He was one of the meanest drill instructors I ever ran across, but was also the one I respected the most. He is hard core, and I can just imagine his chest being covered in medals. On the other hand, I also tried for years to locate an old friend who was starting a business that I had a high level of interest in. I lost his phone number and couldn’t find him for years. After hearing that he moved back to California, I nearly gave up trying to find him. Then I bought a house and, after attending church in my new ward (sort of like an LDS parish), I ran into the guy. Turns out his daughter lives in my ward and he has a house in North Orem. He called me that day and I wasn’t smart enough to save his phone number. Doh!
  2. What the heck is a Bothan?I know more about Star Wars than most people, save for the true Star Wars geeks that dress up like Ewoks and get beat up by less geeky people. Star Wars fans will often listen to me tell the untold history of Star Wars (like who Mon Mothma is and what her tie is to Bail Organa and the formation of the Rebel Alliance) and other tales (such as why Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn got his butt kicked by Darth Maul’s superior fighting skills, yet some snotty Padawan (Obi-Wan Kenobi) was able to defeat him). These people then take what I’ve told them, and retell others as if they are some kind of Star Wars geek know-it-all. Then they usually get beat up for knowing way too much about Star Wars. Sadly, my knowledge is not nearly as impressive today, what with the advent of Wikipedia and the Star Wars Databank.
  3. I am descended of a Filipino Datu. A Datu is a native chief, considered royalty in a sense. However, my ancestral Datu made the mistake of falling in love and marrying one of the peasant women. He was thereafter disowned by his family and joined the normal population.
  4. not at the head of his classDespite being half Filipino, I look white enough to infiltrate the KKK, something I sometimes think of doing just so I can work my way up to Grand Numbskull (or whatever they call him), obtain full allegiance from the majority, then announcing my non-white background. Bwah hahaha!!! They would probably kill me at that point, but it might be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.
  5. I started my first blog (though without any commenting capabilities) in 1999. You can catch a glimpse of it on the Way Back Machine. A couple years later, some self-proclaimed Internet marketing guru sent me a newsletter saying that blogs would be the next big breakout marketing tool. I remember very clearly thinking, “That’s a load of crap! I had one of those blog thingers back in ’99 and it didn’t do squat for me!” I have also said that eBay Stores would fail when it was first introduced, that Google’s stock price would go down on the first day, and that the iMac would die a painful death while dragging Apple to the grave. On the other hand, I wrote a fictional story about the “Mid-East War” about a year before Desert Storm.
  6. I’m a card counter even though I’m not very good with numbers. I visit Vegas about once a year and usually come out way ahead thanks to my card counting skills at the blackjack table. However, when I went earlier this year, I somehow got counting backwards (uh, yeah. I’m really not very good with numbers.) This resulted in my betting large when the count was bad (and therefore losing) and betting small when the count was good (thereby winning, but only small amounts). I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life!
  7. If the Marine Corps knocked on my door tomorrow morning, handed me a rifle that could be used with one arm, and asked me to ship out to the front for the next two years, I would pack my bags right then and there and go. In fact, there’s a good chance I’d do the same for any of the branches of the military. My wife knows this and has accepted it, probably because she knows it would never happen. Along the same lines, if NASA knocked on my door and asked me to be part of a two-year mission to Mars, I would do the same. If I had to choose between the two, my desire to fly into space and set foot on another planet would probably win out over my sense of duty and I would take the mission to Mars.

So there you have it! Oh wait, I just found out there are no death threats attached with this. Dang it all to heck!!! Uh, I guess my life isn’t in danger after all. That somehow takes the adrenalin rush away from it, doesn’t it?

I hereby tag the following. Remember, there are no death threats attached, so there is no reason to be a hater! Some of you were previously tagged, but if you didn’t respond to my previous tagging, you are getting hit again!

Clark (who is long overdue for a blog post)
Mikal (who had trouble accessing my blog the first time around)
Ryan (who threatened to kill me the first time around)

Umm… as for the other four, how about if you feel the desire to be tagged, you go ahead and tag yourself on my behalf. Now, if a piano falls on my head or I get thrown into the pit of Carkoon, it’s your fault!

Nutritionist Finally Agree with Stu: Peanut M&M’s are the Perfect Food

Orbs of LifeI eat a lot of peanut M&M’s. I love them. I’ve loved them for as long as I can remember. It was about 15 years ago I started referring to them as the Orbs of Life.

I began writing short stories that involved the Orbs of Life as a great and powerful device to accomplish great things. I have long believed that peanut M&M’s were the perfect food.

Well, I recently read this article on MSN about seven healthy foods that we should all be partaking of. The two that caught my eye were chocolate and nuts.

M&M’s… the perfect food. Let the world know that I was right. I WAS RIGHT TO LOVE THE ORBS OF LIFE!

How to Win Lunch from Your More Popular Friends

So my blog gets somewhere on the order of about 20 page views per day on average. That probably translates to 5 or so actual visitors. My best day ever was 90 page views.

Then one day, I agreed to host a post on behalf of my friend Mikal. You may recall the Four for Friday from a few weeks ago. I told him, “Great! Maybe I’ll actually break my old record of getting 90 page views!”

Mikal’s reply? “I doubt it.”

Then this fiasco happened:

Stu's WordPress blog stats

Yeah. His blog is just a tad more popular than mine. Thanks to him, my record was blown out of the water! So I told him about the 205 page views the next day. He apologized for sending me more traffic than I’ve ever received before and told me he owed me lunch. That’ll teach him to mess with my blog stats!!! Why, I oughta send him tons of traffic in retaliation, see how he likes it! Sheesh!

As you can see, since that time my page views have gone back to normal, and all is well. Okay, I’ve been out from under my rock for entirely too long now. The light is making me tremble. Back I go.

Finally, Worthwhile Scientific Study Proves Sleep Is Good

With all the recent talk of pointless scientific studies on these pages, I’ve actually stumbled across one that seems to have been money well spent. So what grand knowledge have we gained from this most recent study? Very simply: sleep is good!

Those of you who are like me and have always insisted on getting a good 9+ hours of sleep each night now have something to back us up. The study pointed out, among many other things, that not everybody’s circadian rhythm (responsible for telling us when to sleep and when to not sleep) is the same. In fact, some of us have rhythms that are completely screwed up. Most prominent among them are night owls, who often have lengthened rhythms (they found in mice some with a circadian rhythm of up to 27 hours instead of 24) requiring that they stay up later and sleep longer.

Personally, I think the “mutation” that causes a lengthened circadian rhythm is in actuality the result of space aliens integrating with us Earthlings and cross breeding amongst us. The mutation is really just the result of a person inheriting the circadian rhythm of an alien from a world with longer days. What I’m saying, essentially, is that I am part alien. And no, I’m not referring to the fact that my mother is Filipino… I’m talking SPACE alien!
Aliens walking among us
This gives me special powers, like super strong teeth (as a teen, I brushed once a week and never got cavities), a super strong mind (you can punch my brain all day long, and it has no effect), and access to special alien technology that gives me super vision (a special alien lens known as “Accuvue” gives me better than 20/20 – so-called “perfect” – vision).

Unfortunately, my ancestors weren’t from a world with a shortened day, thereby giving me the mutation that allows me to get by on virtually no sleep. Fortunately, I haven’t inherited any really weird stuff, which I believe to be a conflict between human and alien genes, fighting in a never-ending internal struggle for control of the brain.

So what other benefits does my alien sleep rhythm provide me with? Take a look at Psychology Today’s article, Sleep: Strange Bedfellows.

Study Reveals, “Human Brain Will Believe Anything”

In the movie business, there’s this thing called “suspension of disbelief.” Suspension of disbelief is required when we are watching something on screen that is so outrageously impossible that the audience must disregard their knowledge of the real world in order to accept that what they just saw can actually happen.

Suspension of Disbelief

It’s this suspension of belief that makes it even remotely possible for people to enjoy movies like Top Gun (in order to believe that Tom Cruise could ever possibly make it through the Naval Academy and become an officer) or *shudder* Armageddon.

In another pointless study, researchers discovered that our brains are apparently designed to believe lies that are told to us, thus explaining why humans are so easily brainwashed, so quick to believe conspiracy theories, and can stand to watch movies like Armageddon.

Research showed that even when test subjects knew the truth, they tended to believe lies counter to what they knew to be true. Weird huh?

Read the full story at Reuters.