I am a recent convert to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
For the first time in my life, I feel as if the world makes perfect sense.
Please join us in educating the world.
Things have changed!
After some additional thought on the matter, I have decided to leave the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I submitted the following letter to the Prophet of the Church of FSM:
Hello Leader of the Church of FSM,
I am very concerned. I was first introduced to FSM when a converted Jewish friend of mine placed a link to your site on his blog. I read the “Open Letter to the Kansas School Board.”
I must say, it was as if my eyes were opening for the first time after a 33 year-long sleep! I instantly searched for how to join your church, and in a made-up ceremony from my bathtub with several 18-year old girls that I converted on a 3-hour FSM mission, baptized myself into your church. The ceremony required that we all get naked, slather each other in spaghetti sauce, and then lick each other’s bodies clean.
And yes, it was heavenly. At that point, I was SURE I was in the one true church!
But then later on, I had strange feelings. After the ceremony was done, something accidently happened (I won’t say what) and I felt a strong sense of guilt afterwards.
Had I made the wrong decision?
This caused me to look into FSM a little more. What did I find? Several contradictions that simply cannot be settled in my mind:
If this is the one true church, why would my god cause me to feel guilt for pleasing myself in his honor? What kind of all-powerful god, who can create all things, allow me to suffer sicknesses and feelings of sadness? To test the mercy of the FSM, I tortured a lab rat I obtained from the science labs of my local university. For three hours I tortured the rat. It was clear the animal was in excruciating pain, and yet the FSM did nothing to save this poor beast!
My conclusion? YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
Why would you mislead me like this? May you burn in whatever place is your equivalent of hell forever and ever! You are surely the pure spawn of evil! I hate you and I hate your Flying Spaghetti Monster! If your god ever dares show itself to me, I shall throw it in the microwave and set the cook time to ETERNITY!
Good day, Sir. I shall here forth pray for your soul to whatever god shall listen, but certainly not to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
PS: If you find any part of this letter satirical, I assure you it is pure coincidence.
My sincerest apologies to any who joined as a result of my previous missionary efforts.