What the Geeks of the World Figured Out in 2006 After Spending Millions on Research

I recently perused a list of 50 Things We Know Now That We Didn’t Know a Year Ago.

The introduction to this list states, “Tons of cool new discoveries wash ashore in the media tide each year but fall through the cracks, what with all the coverage of Britney Spears’ undies…”

Well, with such fascinating discoveries as no. 6: Cheese consumption in the United States is expected to grow by 50 percent between now and 2013, I can’t imagine why people would be more interested in Britney’s underwear!

It’s truly amazing the things a geek can figure out given enough funding. Here’s a few of the things that us “normal” folk have always known, but the geeks have just recently discovered this year:

22. The hole in the earth’s ozone layer is closing – and could be entirely closed by 2050. Meanwhile, the amount of greenhouse gases is increasing.

I can’t be the only one that thought it was weird that the largest hole in the ozone was over a completely unpopulated part of the world (save for the nine or so geeks living there conducting scientific experiments). So greenhouse gases eat ozone. But if it were responsible for the holes in the Earth’s ozone layer, then there ought to be a huge gigantic hole right over the U.S. where a huge majority of greenhouse gases are released. Alas, there is none.

24. At least once a week, 28 percent of high school students fall asleep in school, 22 percent fall sleep while doing homework and 14 percent get to school late or miss school because they overslept.

I guess the geeks were too busy doing crazy stuff, like learning things, to realize the rest of the class was sleeping through the teacher’s discussion of amoeba mating.

Wait a minute… amoeba don’t have sex? Man, sucks to be an amoeba!

25. Women gain weight when they move in with a boyfriend.

Since geeks never actually had the chance to live with a woman, they never noticed. I, for one, could tell if a Utah girl was married or not just by comparing them to their high school picture. For the longest time I thought having sex caused a woman to double in weight!

28. Around the world, middle-aged and elderly men tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives than women in the same age group, a new survey shows.

You mean they’ve been lying about having headaches?

32. Just 30 minutes of continuous kissing can diminish the body’s allergic reaction to pollen.

And what 30 minutes of continuous kissing leads to diminishes the body’s reaction to, well, pretty much everything.

47. A python was the first god worshipped by mankind, according to 70,000-year-old evidence found in a cave in Botswana’s Tosodilo hills.

Yeah, he’s called THE DEVIL! Haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?

Ok, so there were a few obvious things that we really didn’t need to waste time or money on. But they did discover a few jewels:

3. Blue light fends off drowsiness in the middle of the night, which could be useful to people who work at night.

Casinos the world over are already replacing all their lighting.

7. At 68.1 percent, the United States ranks eighth among countries that have access to and use the Internet. The largest percentage of online use was in Malta, where 78.1 percent access the Web.

Good to know there are seven other countries that spend more time looking at porn than us.

9. Scientists have discovered that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

And all this time girls thought guys cry at sappy movies because they’re emotionally sensitive. Umm… no. They’re crying and drinking their tears to try and STOP THE PAIN!

11. Wasps spray an insect version of pepper spray from their heads to temporarily incapacitate their rivals.

Never look a wasp in the eye.

13. Ancient humans from Asia may have entered the Americas following an ocean highway made of dense kelp.

Oh really? Well, here’s a new discovery from me: I MAY be the Queen of England! That kind of earth-shattering knowledge I charge $3.7 million for.

16. A new planet described as a “super-Earth,” which weighs 13 times as much as our planet, exists in a solar system 9,000 light-years away.

They can’t send a man to Mars, but they can send a bathroom scale 9,000 light years across the galaxy?

20. A substance called resveratrol, found in red wine, protects mice from obesity and the effects of aging, and perhaps could do the same for humans.

You think Pope John Paul II lived so long because he was just so content? There’s a reason he took the sacrament every week!

36. DNA analysis determined the British descended from a tribe of Spanish fishermen who crossed the Bay of Biscay almost 6,000 years ago.

Analyzing DNA can tell you if your ancestors were fishermen? (creds to Buck Roberts for that line)

40. The queens of bee, ant and wasp colonies that have the most sex with the largest number of males produce the strongest and healthiest colonies.

Don’t tell my wife. She might use it as an excuse to “strengthen” our family.

50. Researchers from the University of Manchester managed to induce teeth growth in normal chickens – activating genes that have lain dormant for 80 million years.

Oh yeah, that’ll save humanity. Way to go geeks! Hey, can you figure out how to grow a beak on humans? That’d be sweet!

So there you go. For the full list of 50 things that are less important than Britney’s skivvies, check out TBO.com

6 thoughts on “What the Geeks of the World Figured Out in 2006 After Spending Millions on Research

  1. StuTheWise

    If you are a geek, consider this post a tribute to your geekdom! I am a geek in training, but shall never attain your level of greatness… probably because I can’t stop making fun of you. BWAH HAHAHA!!!

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Heheh heh heh hehe heh good one Stu, a few thoughts, if I may…

    #25 Yea, and women who get divorced lose a bunch of weight! WTF!?? ..and then they get pissed cause men cheat… hmmmmm…course I bet the same is true for men too…

    #13 Heh I have a study I want to do too… How do we get the 3.7 Million??

    ciao… Bravo

    Reply
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