Words I Had to Teach My Cell Phone

Technology is just amazing, isn’t it? Work in artificial intelligence has been making especially large leaps. What with a machine named Watson making Ken Jennings its bitch on Jeopardy! and computer-controlled players in video games so realistic I actually kind of feel bad for blowing them up with my double-barrel shotgun, it’s no big surprise that my cell phone has the ability to learn.

Although, when I say “learn” in this context, what I really mean is, “the ability to manually add words to its obsessive-compulsive auto-correct dictionary.”

Okay, so my phone has a ways to go before it reaches the levels of Watson awesomeness. But hey, it’s a start, right? But as I started the process of “teaching” my new phone old tricks, I began to wonder, “Shouldn’t something as smart as my phone already understand something as simple as tacos?”

And thus, a list of words that I’ve had to teach my Verizon Thunderbolt phone over the last few months.

To start with: Dom Deluise, awesomeness, awesomest, dumbest.

Umm… so how am I supposed to text to my friends, “Dom Deluise was the dumbest comic actor ever. And by dumbest, I mean his awesomeness was the awesomest!”

Okay, so “awesomest” is not a word. Ain’t no way Ima let that thar stop me from makkin’ my walkie-talkie think that it is! Yep. That was the best redneck impression I could come up with. You can thank me later.

Moving on: dang, f-bombs, fetcher, freaking.

Alright. A — This phone is being sold in Utah County. B — What the EFF?! When an auto manufacturer builds a car, it’s built to regional standards. You know, like putting the driving controls on the wrong side for cars shipped to Europe and adding extra large cup holders for cars sold in America. The same should be done for phones. A cell phone with cup holders. Awesomeness!

Oh, I also had to add the word “effing.” Not so smart now are you phone?

Moving on: bastie, biotch, conehead.

“Those bastie alien Conehead biotches are stealing my car!” Nevermind the redundancy. It can’t be tweeted using factory settings. Sorry. Oh, you also can’t say “tweeted”.

How about grok? I thought high-tech toys were made by geeks. Can’t they grok the need to have the word grok included in my phone’s dictionary? Can you grok me now?

Here’s a weird one: Hades.

If you own an iPhone, you’ve no doubt noticed that typing in “hell” auto-corrects to “he’ll”. Not so on the Thunderbolt. In fact, you’re not even given the option to correct to “he’ll”. So I can tell my enemies to rot in hell, but not Hades. Those anti polytheist bigots!

Here are a few more: copywriter, vacuous, entendre.

I guess if a phone doesn’t realize its user was a professional copywriter in a past life, it probably figures I would never, ever use a phrase like “Your vacuous double entendres are meaningless!” Oh well.

Let’s get to the absolutely ludicrous shall we? Here are some words that honestly stunned me when I saw that they were not already in the dictionary:

beret (no raspberry beret for Prince)
hallelujah (one of the most covered songs ever! Leonard Cohen is not pleased)
lortab, shrooms (my drug dealer wonders why I’m always asking for “portal” and “rooms”)
mazel tov (anti Semites!)
NCMO (how else are you supposed to ask a random stranger if they’d like to make out? In person? I think not!)
ringer, ringtones, texting, voicemail (you’re a cell phone — seriously?)
Sasquatch (just because he’s ALLEGED to not exist doesn’t make it so!)
Scooby (he’s got a fat tongue and can’t speak clearly. That’s no reason to shun him!)
shiz (sorry Snoop Dogg. Just another diss on your genius — foshizzle!)
Spartacus , Starbuck (two great heroes of freedom, so say we all!)
taco (and yet, for some odd reason, “amigo” IS in the dictionary!)
taffy (no Laffy Taffy jokes :( )
yum, yummy

Well, now you have a small look into the kind of language I use when texting and tweeting. And a realization of just how dumb cell phones still are. Maybe the next iPhone will solve all our problems? iPhone 5 for President in 2012!

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