The Abhorrent Chain Letter Is Now On FaceBook

If you’re on FaceBook, then you’ve probably seen it. The dreaded 25 Things About Me blah blah… is making the rounds. The worst thing about it is that it requires you to tag 25 others. And you know what happens when you don’t do what a chain letter says… a piano falls on your head or you die in a fiery plane crash or a dog eats your brains or Kahn implants a mind-controlling eel through your ear.

Wait a minute. WHAT?! There’s no threat of death on this one? What is this world coming to? Chain letter writers are getting WEAK I tell ya!

Anyway, if you haven’t seen it yet — or you’re smart enough to stay away from FaceBook — then you’re in (an utter lack of) luck because reporter Helen Popkin did a piece on it called 25 Random Things About FaceBook.

Here are a few of the highlights with my earth-shattering commentary.

2. Nobody cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

Nope, they sure don’t. But they do care that I left my Nikes in the locker room. You do… don’t you?

9. You people take FaceBook way too seriously.

Hey, who you callin’ “you people”?!

10. A woman was killed after changing her relationship status on Facebook.

Hmm… you know, I’m thinking FaceBook had nothing to do with it. Like, I don’t know, maybe the fact that the killer was drunk and HIGH ON DRUGS maybe had some affect on his cognitive ability (not that he had much to begin with, being that he was dumb enough to get drunk and snort coke… uh, and he’s also British).

14. Facebook can get you fired. Yes, you. Just like you are not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone, you are not that one person who is in no danger of getting fired for something stupid posted by or about you on Facebook.

You’re right. I’m not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone. I’m one of many!

16. Oh, and you’re also at risk of alienating your oldest friends by bumping their rank in your “Always show these friends” box. We’re talking your adult friends, like, in their 30s and 40s, with jobs and kids and all kinds of grown-up responsibilities.

Not much of a friend if they get pissed over something as ludicrous as that! I don’t even know how to work that stupid feature anyhow! Want something to get pissed about? How about the fact that Mandalay Bay uses those awesome randomizer auto shufflers making it impossible to count cards at the Blackjack table? How’s a card counter supposed to make a living these days?

23. OK, the cool thing about having your Facebook and Twitter accounts connected is that your Tweets show up as your status updates. But then, if people respond on Twitter and maybe ask you something, and you respond via Twitter, it shows up as your Facebook status, and that’s annoying.

Umm… actually, it doesn’t. You should look into that. I think they might call that investigative reporting or something. Try it some time.

25. Eventually, someone will post photos from your high school yearbook. Dang, your hair was big.

Are you kidding me? I look EXACTLY the same now as I did 16 years ago. No, seriously!

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