Tribute to Those Time-Wasting MySpace Surveys

This is my very first attempt at creating the world’s greatest work of art — the MySpace Survey! Seriously now. What would we ever do without them? Me? I might actually get some work done.

Okay… I figure these viral surveys were at one time intended to extract surprisingly unusual information from other people, thereby (in theory) allowing you to get to know your MySpace “friends” better.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way MySpace surveys turned into some kind of crazed, excessively long, psychotic questionnaires;  most of them containing a series of utterly unrelated questions — the answers to which don’t serve the original spirit of the MySpace survey.

I once heard that, “One person CAN make a difference!” So I’m here to bring the MySpace survey back to its original (albeit probably less glorious) honor! I like to call it…

The MySpace Stuvey

Get it? It’s a Stu survey. Stuvey. Survey by Stu. Ahh… whatever. Just take the dang thing!

Just remember the all-important Stuvey rules:

  • You must answer all questions HONESTLY! I don’t care if it will ruin every relationship you’ve ever had and result in your incarceration. Speak the truth you psychos!
  • You must send the survey to the person who sent it to you, then broadcast it to EVERYBODY on your friends list. Especially the ones who will forever hate you after seeing your answers.
  • If you think someone won’t respond, you must leave some kind of threat in order to encourage them to respond. Look, nobody escapes a Stuvey. Understand?
  • If you can think of a question that a) is incredibly naughty b) potentially embarrassing c) contains innuendo that can easily be mistaken as sexual explicit and/or d) is completely unrelated to the rest of the questions, then you must add it to the Stuvey before sending it along.

Okay, that’s pretty much it. Now that you’ve lost interest, let’s get started shall we?

If you had a billion dollars, what would your first $1 million+ purchase be?
Man, a billion dollars would barely pay for the yacht I want. So I guess I’d have to settle for a time machine that will allow me to go back and attend a certain event, the name of which I shall never mention.

If you could go back in time and attend any event that ever happened, what event would you choose and why?
Gabby and Joel’s wedding. I’ll never say why, but it may or may not involve having a threesome with a couple of the attendees. Weddings are great places to pickup people! At least, that’s what Hollywood tells me. I would then send a letter to my past self instructing him to place very large bets on certain sports events, thereby making myself a billionaire allowing me to build a time machine and go back in time to attend the event discussed in the previous question… which event I shall never reveal.

If you could create a new area of study for people to major in during college, what would you call it and what would it be about?
The area of study would be called “Stuism” and would be about the philosophies of Stu. Since Stu is always right, study of Stuism would be a required course, thus making the world a better place for all!

Are you able to admit that you are sometimes wrong?
Are you kidding? I’m wrong all the time! If people were to follow my teachings, it would probably destroy the world.

Vegetarianism. Good or bad?
I am 100% against anything that harms poor defenseless animals. We should all become vegetarians and stop harming our fellow citizens of the Earth! Lions should also stop eating zebras.

Dog or cat?
Hmm… cat tastes better if you prepare it right, but there’s usually more meat on a dog.

What is your most secret sexual fantasy?
It’s very complex. Far too much so to tell you about it here. How’s that for an excuse to get out of answering a Stuvey question, huh? Ha!

If you could be any superhero, who would it be and why?
Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four so I could fulfill my innermost sexual fantasy by being with multiple women at the same time, all of whom are in different rooms all over the Baxter Building.

Take your number 1, divide by your number 3, resolve the square root thereof, and multiply by the natural logarithm. Would you ever make out with that person?
Umm… yes? Wait, no. Well, maybe. Is that person Mandy Moore? Where’s the “resolve” button on my calculator?!

Don’t get eaten by a jellyfish!There you have it folks. My apologies that it wasn’t 50 times longer like your standard MySpace survey. And for those of you thinking about not taking the first ever MySpace Stuvey yourself, the last person who refused to do so died in a horrible accident when the plane they were traveling on exploded, causing them to fall 10,000 feet through the air — on fire the entire way down — landing in the ocean to put out the flame, causing them to think that they would be saved, only to be chopped into a million pieces by a huge cargo boat’s propeller and eaten by jellyfish.

If you don’t want to be eaten by jellyfish, you’d better take the Stuvey!

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