New Super Collider May Create “Holes of Color” or How to Make a Complete Fool of Yourself

The Hadron Super Collider (LHC) is about to go on line next month. Now who would think that destroying microscopic particles smaller than an atom could cause so much fuss? Well, apparently the Hadron Collider just might destroy the Earth… or so says the Lifeboat Foundation, who has recommended the creation of a particle accelerator shield.

The concern is that the immense energy that the LHC will create via its super-duper destruction of protons could result in the creation of miniature black holes singularities-that-are-super-massive-with-gravity-so-strong-even-light-can’t-escape. Cause for major concern, right?

Well, only problem is that even if these “holes of the universe which emit no light” are created, they will be so miniscule — having 5,000 times the mass of a proton (a booger produces more gravity than ones of these things) — as to not be an issue. Secondly, Stephen Hawking (whoever that is… I heard he’s like really smart or something) calculates (hopefully he didn’t forget to carry the 2 during his calculation!) that such micro-singularities will throw off more mass than they they are able to absorb due to their incredibly small size, thereby only lasting for a very short period of time.

So… method #1 of making a fool of yourself is to recommend the creation of something to protect yourself from an impossible scenario. On the other hand, people said the same thing about Noah when he started building a huge ark. Next thing you know, he lives and everybody else dies. Hmmm…

Now if you’re wondering why the hell I’ve been talking about super-massive singularities of the universe that don’t emit light rather than calling them by their common name, well, it’s because I really don’t want to offend anyone.

… ppphhhh

BWAH HAHAHA! Oh yeah, because I CARE so much about not offending dumbasses who are busy being offended for a living!

Dumbasses can be white too!Which brings me to method #2 of how to make a fool out of yourself: tell every astrophysicist in the world that they are racist scum for using the term “black hole.” Tell every chef, cook, and lover of desserts that “devil’s food cake” and “angel food cake” are also racist terms. Oh yeah, the term “black sheep” is a racist term too because it means you’re “bad” and it has the word “black” in it.

Alright, get a grip. Sheep are normally white. Black sheep are rare. Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you’re bad, it means you are different than the rest. Secondly, a black sheep is still a sheep. I doubt the sheep is offended by being compared to a human. Although the sheep might change its mind after seeing how stupid we’ve become as a people. Dude, a black sheep refers to a person’s personality and the way he/she chooses to live their life, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

A black hole is called such because it emits no light, thus making it black. NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

Angel food cake and devil’s food cake are CAKES, not people! You honestly think the guy that created devil’s food cake said to himself, “Gee, what should I call this? I know, it’s dark and evil looking so I’ll name it devil’s food cake to disguise the fact that I’m really referring to that evil black race of people! It’ll be my cruel joke on their entire race. Mwah hahaha!”

You are helping keep racism alive and well by taking every opportunity to bring up your race, even when your race is obviously not involved in any way shape or form.

I think black holes are the thing we need to worry about the least. We are more likely to destroy ourselves from becoming so offended by everything that everybody will die from fear of offending anybody else. Then the only people that will be left in the world are Seth McFarlane and the idiots who intentionally offend.

Stop making your non-caucasioness your scapegoat for everything would ya? You’re making a bad name for all the other stupid people out there who aren’t as stupid as you.

6 thoughts on “New Super Collider May Create “Holes of Color” or How to Make a Complete Fool of Yourself

  1. Meadow

    Pretty soon it will be offensive to ban black soled shoes from gyms. You wont be able to say that they leave a mark on the floor, causing more work to clean them.

    Or how about Brain Storming being offensive to those with seizure disorders? Gotta call ‘em Thought Showers :P

  2. Stu

    Well, one thing I can say for certain is that it has not been disproven that aluminum foil won’t protect you from micro black holes, so I think you’re safe.

    And just to set the record straight, I wasn’t trying to make light of your concerns… well, okay, yes I was. After all, that is what I do on my blog :)

    But I can argue both sides and show that there is some reason for concern. All that needs to happen is that one of these black holes gets close enough to some material to put said material within grasp of its event horizon, at which point it will absorb that material.

    As long as it can keep it up, the mini black hole will continue to grow until… well, until we meet a spectacular end.

    Two main things make the odds of this happening roughly equal to that of a four of a kind hand getting beat by a straight flush in Texas Hold ‘Em — which, while watching the WSOP main event, I recently learned is 1 in 2.7 billion (give or take a billion or so since my memory can’t quite recall the exact number).

    First is the fact that the possibility of black hole creation is purely theory at this point, much like the theory that we might see gravitons produced from the collisions. Difference is they are hopeful that one will happen and hopeful that the other will not.

    The other thing is that when you get down 1/1,000 the size of a proton (the expected size of the mini black holes), matter is so far apart from each other (relative to its size) that if one of these mini black holes were to head right for you and pass through your body, it most likely wouldn’t even come close to being near enough to any material to grab on to any. The event horizon of a black hole is so tight, that it has to get pretty near to something relative to its mass to grab hold of it, which is why the black hole at the center of our galaxy hasn’t gobbled everything up already.

    There are actually many other theories that conclude in far worse scenarios than the black hole theory. It’s just that “black hole eats earth” sounds far more sinister than “stranglet strangles universe,” so the black holes get all the air time.

    In essence, scientists are playing the odds. Being a gambler myself, I can understand that sometimes we get over excited and tend to sometimes say, “Damn the torpedoes!” and just charge in full steam ahead. But the odds are pretty good in this case. Also, since I’m not concerned about life as I know it coming to an end, I don’t care that much if a huge black hole does destroy us. Like my dad always says, “Well, if the world is about to come to an end, I’ll just climb up on my roof and watch the show,” or something thereabouts.

    Whew! Well, that was quite an ordeal! Send that to print!

  3. Joe

    Hi, Stu:

    Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I was busy making a fool of myself and then remained busy wrapping my house in aluminum foil… that’s what you use to make a particle accelerator shield, isn’t it? Please don’t tell me if it’s not – ignorance is bliss, you know.

    But seriously, to defend the concerns I expressed on my blog, scientists are always claiming that whatever they want to do is perfectly safe. I remember my brother (the scientist doctor-to-be of the family) building bombs in the basement of our house when we were kids and telling our mom that it was completely safe. He also ordered e-coli from a biological supply house so he could get even with some kid at school. I never did hear how that turned out.

    I do trust you, though, and you’re in good company with Stephen Hawking, so if you guys say the Super Collider is safe, I’ll stop my sky-is-falling posts. But at the first signs that the earth is collapsing in on itself, don’t forget I told you so.

  4. Joe

    Your response is exactly why I don’t trust scientists. You toss around terms like “event horizon” and concepts like string theory, quarks, STRANGELET?! C’mon, man. It’s obvious that they’re just making up this stuff as they go along. It sounds like a Jon Lovitz pathological liar skit.

    Scientists simply got into the field to blow stuff up, with the ultimate goal of re-creating the big bang.

    I bet if we could travel back in time to the big bang, we’d find a group of scientists on a planet very similar to Earth playing with some big machine that smashes subatomic particles against one another.

  5. Stu

    Haha! Joe, I just came back and reread all of this recently. I forgot how great your final response was. Pure awesome!

    Keenan, good point. In fact, I’m pretty sure even Stephen Hawking himself doesn’t know if he’s right or not… thus the reason he posits his statements as “theory.”

    Hmm… I guess you’re right after all Joe! What other reason is there to get into the field of theoretical science but to make things up? And they get paid for this! Man, I am in the wrong business.


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