Research Shows Bumper Stickers Equal Psychotic People

In the never-ending scientific research to better understand why some people are stupid, a lot of attention has been focused on road ragers whose logic seems, well, illogical.

Captain Kirk gets road rage

Road ragers are often hypocrites — tailgating others then slamming on their brakes when they are tailgated, cutting people off then giving the bird when honked at but giving the bird and honking if they are ever cut off, trashing Utah drivers when they themselves are a Utah driver (yet all the while proclaiming their immunity to the “Utah driver” moniker), not using their turn signal but throwing fits when others do the same… the list is endless.

And thanks to the great American tradition of spending money on pointless studies, scientists at Colorado State University have discovered and revealed in a recently published paper that drivers who plaster their cars with bumper stickers are more likely to have issues with road rage.

Come on now. Is this really news? You’re driving down the street and you see a car with something like, “I Brake for Nekkid Chicks” or “Keep Honking, I’ll Deal With You When I’m Done Yanking My Chain,” and you instantly understand the dope-hat behind the wheel isn’t particularly bright.

Now, while I don’t believe those geniuses down at CSU included this bit in their publication, I’m fairly certain that their research found that anybody with the bumper sticker of “We Love Stu!” is a happy, content, loved-by-everybody-and-would-never-commit-road-rage all around awesome person.

4 thoughts on “Research Shows Bumper Stickers Equal Psychotic People

  1. Johnny Bravo

    …and this applies to psycho maniac bossopheliacs too… recently I was abused and threatened with a note that my car would be towed from AN EMPTY parking lot. The lot is empty and not in use, the company scheduled to move in wont be moving in for at least another week. Yet this ego bloated butthead AHS to leave a note demanding I move my car woo hoo… I guess he can’t handle the COOLNESS of my mean machine compared to his POS F250… wOOt!

    Reply
  2. Heather

    Can I have a bumper sticker Stu? I will cover the Hillary sticker with it, I promise. I will display it proudly next to my Obama hahaha. No seriously I want one.

    Reply
  3. Stu

    Heather, yes you may have a bumper sticker. However, as you can imagine, the wait is long due to incredible demand!

    Wendy, I have found that as I age, I am more easily amused. Am I doing it backwards?

    As for bad drivers, as best as I can tell wherever somebody lives that’s where the worst drivers in the world are. Most of my miles are just in the western states, but I honestly don’t see drivers in one state being much different than those in another. Each state seems to have their local quirks and seeming “unwritten rules,” (I hear in New York, for example, you make 5 lanes when there are only 3 marked) but that aside…

    I have a future project planned in which I will record myself driving and put all the dopey moves I catch Utah drivers doing on YouTube. Should help add some fire to the debate.

    Reply
  4. Wendy

    Bumpers stickers are flat out annoying. The last time I saw one I laughed at was in 1975 and it said “Arrive Drunk.” I was 15 at the time and had never been drunk, so I guess I can forgive my teenage ignorance over that one. Now I of course know how horrifying that bumper sticker was.

    I was interested in the whole “Utah drivers” thing because it made me wonder if all states and cities claim to have the worst drivers. I know that “Boston drivers” have a terrible but well-deserved rap, but now that I see Utah feels the same way I’m wondering if everybody in the U.S. claims this.

    Reply

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