Maybe I Should Go to Anger Management

So, first I’m pissed that my neighbor’s dog craps on my lawn. Then the next day, I want to run over a guy on a scooter. What is the world coming to… or perhaps I should be asking, “What is my mind coming to?”

I’m driving home for lunch one day. I pull up to a red traffic light behind two men sitting on two scooters. They are about 20 feet back from where they ought to be, so I am about to go around them and pull all the way to the front, rather than waiting so far back. Before I can, the light turns green.

As I prepare to go, the two men on their scooters are busy yakety-yakking with each other and don’t notice the green light, so I politely toot my horn at them. Just two very light touches of the horn.

One of the scooter boys turns to give me a dirty look before finally accelerating, traveling 20 feet before even entering the intersection. About a block before my turn off, the same scooter boy that gave me a dirty look begins slowing down, turns around and yells at me, throwing up his hand. I yell at him, “What?” but quickly realize that he can’t hear me because all my windows are rolled up.

I turn on my turn signal and move over to make my turn, at which point scooter boy flips me the bird.

I think to myself, “Well what the heck is his problem?” Then I realize how easy it would be for me to simply kill scooter boy by running him over with my car. I floor the accelerator and steer towards scooter boy. My car downshifts, the engine revs, and I begin to accelerate.

Just as I’m about to make contact with numb-nuts… er, I mean scooter boy, I realize that I actually need to get home and eat lunch. That and killing dip-smack would probably land me in jail. So at the last possible moment, I quickly slam on the brakes, yank the wheel, and skid into a turn to head home.

Now, setting aside the stupidity of an idiot riding with no helmet and flipping off other drivers, I figured — just for a moment — that this guy deserved to die. I mean, if you’re stupid enough to point a gun at a cop without reason, then you are probably too stupid to serve much purpose in life. I figured the same was true of nimrod. I don’t know nutwad from Adam, but man did I ever want to run him over!

Well, I got home and killed my neighbor’s dog. Um… no, I didn’t really kill my neighbor’s dog. I just fantasized about it.

So, what would you say? I anger too easily, or scooter boy shouldn’t be riding around flipping off drivers for no reason? The answer is probably both, but since I have no control over bat-for-brains, I should just realize he’s an idiot and not be mad about it.

Before you decide, let me just say that 10 years ago I would have followed him long enough to get his license plate, found out where he lived, then probably torch his scooter in the middle of the night. And just for fun, I’d beat him with a baseball bat or something. So you see, I’m getting better!

6 thoughts on “Maybe I Should Go to Anger Management

  1. coldleftovers

    I am with you all the way on this one. Lately I have found myself experiencing some good ole fashioned road rage on a DAILY basis. I applaud you for using your horn, I wish more people would. If that were the case, people wouldn’t get so offended when you cordially remind them that it is TIME TO GO…and don’t get me started on the proper use of a round-about!

  2. Stu

    You’re talkin’ my language! Several years ago I got so frustrated about the blatant misuse of round-abouts that I actually made a webpage with detailed graphics and instruction on how to use a two-lane round-about. Then I sent an email to everybody I knew.

    Not sure what I was thinking then either… it certainly didn’t help.

    As for the horn, it seems Utah is pretty unique in taking extreme offense with to it. Most places in the U.S. the horn is used to say, “Hey, I’m here,” and instead of getting the bird, you get a wave that says, “Oh, thanks. I see you.”

  3. Mikal

    I think you just got caught up in the moment. It happens to everyone.

    That said, I am not going do what ‘coldleftovers’ did and congratulate you for using your horn. Please, that’s like congratulating someone for paying child support. It’s expected.

  4. Stuart

    Speaking of lawyers… I know it’s one’s civil duty to file a police report if witness to a crime; however, I once witnessed somebody run a red light and cause an accident as a result. I filed a police report as was my duty. Two years later, I was still getting calls from lawyers asking me questions.

    Truth is, a lot could have gone wrong in my situation with scooter boy. What if my accelerator got stuck? What if my brakes failed? What if my steering wheel spontaneously exploded?

    Well, I’d have one very dead scooter boy on my hands. I’d be like, “Well, the world’s better as a result.” I’d think that for about 10 minutes (oh wait… this is Orem. Let’s make it three hours) until the cops arrived and bruised me up with their beatin’ sticks.

  5. captain-kid

    I agree with you; however, in this day and age, I’d be extremely careful writing stuff like that on your blog. What happens when you some kid on a scooter isn’t watching and pulls out in front of you and you do hit him with your car? Some lawyer somewhere will dig up this post and you are done.

    Sad world we live in.

  6. girlinthecrosswalk

    hehehehe. I’d have pulled up behind him and bumped his back tire. You wouldn’t have killed him, but he sure as heck would have wrecked. And you have no control over his poor scootering skills…

    I’m an advocate of road rage though… I just had my own little incident the other day. ;)


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