The Pollsters Screw the Pooch… Again

Iraqis discidents love America according to polls

Okay, so first they decide that only one in five Americans can find their home country on a map… now this. What is the world coming to when our most reliable source of incredibly important information, the sacred pollster, can’t get information right?

I recently read an article on MSN about where the world’s healthiest men live. So get this. America ranks #5 for healthiest men. In case you’re an American (and therefore have zero knowledge of geography) there are about 200 countries in the world. At least, that’s what that Internet thing told me. Like I would know that on my own? Dude, I’m an American.

Anyway, not to beat a live horse with a dead stick (yeah, you know what I’m saying), but the media has spent the last several years convincing me that us Americans are a bunch of fat mofos who are all on the verge of dying from stroke and heart attack (at the same time!) if we can’t control our fat selves and stop gorging ourselves on potato sticks fried in lard.

Just yesterday I saw a guy on the news magazine 20/20 collapse under his own weight, crushing himself into a miniature black hole. The camera crew was able to send a signal just before getting sucked into it and being crushed themselves. Man, what won’t the media risk their lives for in order to educate us stupid Americans? Made me shed a tear.

Sorry, but it’s going to take a little more than some crazed poll to reverse the media’s brainwashing and convince me that we’re anything but a bunch of unhealthy fat slobs in America. Until there is a Subway on every street corner in America, we may as well forget about our future… and the futures of our children, and their children, and our children’s grandchildren. In fact, we can forget about the futures of our descendants 500 years into the future. There’s no future for those in the future… or for their future futures!

Fat cats love French chicks

Just imagine some alien race invading the Earth from space. The super fit Australians beat the crap out of the aliens. After discovering the aliens are high in protein and anti-oxidants (because, you know, such an advanced race would be super smart and therefore incredibly healthy), the Aussies throw ‘em on the barbie and eat ‘em for lunch. But in America, we’re so damn fat that when we gather together to fight, we collapse the earth below us and fall to the earth’s core and get cooked. The aliens then eat us for lunch! The good news is they’ll get fat eating us fat Americans and all die from stroke and heart attack (at the same time, one for each heart).

The poll went on to decree that the happiest men in the world live in… get this, Mexico. Umm, yeah. That explains why they keep risking their lives to get into America? Maybe there is some weird Mexican myth regarding the honor of becoming a huge fatso. And hey, since America sets the bar for fatsos, America is the place to be to gain one’s honor.

However, there was some good news. The U.S. ranked at the top for fewest smokers. With just 19% of the population lighting up, we killed in this category… er, didn’t kill that is. South Africa, China, and the Ukraine break the 50% mark if you can believe it. Speaking of Ukraine, they ranked as the unhealthiest men in the world at #20. Uh… wait a minute. The Internet told me there were about 200 nations. What gives?

But it wasn’t all bad for Ukrainian men. They also ranked #4 for happiness. Too bad they don’t border America like Mexico where the happiest men in the world live. Sneaking across the American border just gives a man that tingling feeling if you know what I mean. And I’m not talking sex. That award goes to the U.K. (?!?) and Poland. America? Nowhere to be seen. We’re too freakin’ fat to have sex.

So listen up Canadians. If you want to be happier, stop crossing the border legally and try sneaking in. It’ll change your life! Just watch out because once you’re here, you’ll be instantly attacked by lard-fried potato sticks and your ying-yang will never get used again (except to take an occasional pee).

3 thoughts on “The Pollsters Screw the Pooch… Again

  1. Pingback: Mitt, Stop Being Embarrassed That You’re Mormon! « Rantings of Stu

  2. Pingback: Stu the Wise More Trusted Than Phillip Morris… Barely

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