Okay, so the entire blogosphere has already talked about it. Since I was busy playing some stupid Utah SEO game, I got screwed and am coming late to the game.
Eighteen year old Miss Teen South Carolina made a complete fool of herself Friday evening as she attempted to explain why 1 in 5 people in the U.S. are unable to locate America on a map.
The sad part is I actually had the opportunity to see this happen live, but I only watched about 25 seconds of the Miss Teen USA Pageant Friday. Once I realized that most of the teens seemed to be rejects for the Miss USA Pageant, well, I figured it would suck. That and I think pageants are just boring. But mostly because if I show any interest… well, my friend put it this way, “I’d be interested, but I’d get arrested.”
Now although her answer seemed to be a bumbling mess that made absolutely no sense – to the average idiot that is – I understood her just fine. I don’t know what’s wrong with the rest of the world. Miss Teen SC is just so much smarter than your average numb skull that the world had a hard time interpreting the words of such a highly intelligent person. So I am here to defend her honor.
The question was, “Recent polls have shown 1 in 5 of Americans can’t locate America on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
Now personally, I have a few questions regarding the question. Such as who gave the poll, and who was polled? Martians? I can see the poll question now: “Do you think Americans can find America on a map?” Since Martians can’t read English, it was pretty tough for them. Maybe they polled the mental health unit at the local hospital. Who knows, but the results of that poll seem awful fishy to me.
Or perhaps they hired one of those telephone survey places.
“Good evening, Sir. We’re conducting a survey to see how many Americans can locate America on a map. Can you Sir?”
“No hablo ingles.”
“No, you can’t? Okay, thank you for participating Sir.”
But setting the idiocy of the poll itself aside, Miss Teen SC referred to Americans as “U.S. Americans.” Well, my Canadian and Mexican friends are glad about that. I mean, hey, they’re Americans too, right? So it was good of Miss Teen SC to clarify which Americans she was talking about. Us U.S. Americans are easily confused, so she wanted to make sure nobody thought she was talking about the much smarter and better educated people of Mexico.
Miss Teen SC goes on to say, “…some… people out there in our nation that don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such, as in South Africa and Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future… for our children’s future.”
Okay. It seems quite clear to me that she is concerned for the children in Iraq and South Africa (um… and the Asian countries) because, in case you haven’t heard, only 1 in 100,000 people in those nations can locate America on a map (according to a recent poll, given by me to a bunch of homeless people, at gunpoint, wherein the “correct” answer awarded them with a fresh bologna sandwich). And come on now! There’s no reason at all why the entire world shouldn’t be able to locate America on a map. I mean, WE’RE FREAKIN’ AMERICA! You better find us on a map or we’ll bomb the hell outta you!
Well, maybe not with the current leadership (bunch of pussies in Congress!) But if I were in charge, you better believe you would know where America is on a map, or it’s KABLOOEY for you!
And clearly, giving the citizens of South Africa, Iraq (and, umm… the Asian countries) the knowledge required to locate America on a map will build up our future… our children’s future. DUH! Either you get it, or you’re a retard or something.
So here’s to you Miss Teen South Carolina, the world’s most misunderstood and underrated woman. Sure you’re incredibly good looking and have a smoking hot body, but we love you for your mind. Good thing too, because without that incredible mind of yours, you never would have made it to the top five. We look forward to seeing you in the Miss America pageant next year!
But, for those of you who don’t buy my defense, take a look at the following video which shows both her original answer as well as her “corrected” (ie: dumbed down for the simple-minded) answer. For all the dimwits that would prefer a practiced response designed for the masses: