Monthly Archives: November 2008

The Return of Gort: This Time, He’s Not Letting “Barada Nikto” Get In His Way!

For fans of the 1951 sci-fi classic The Day the Earth Stood Still, the remake has been highly anticipated. But I get the feeling there aren’t too many fans out there, because the first time I saw the theatrical trailer a couple months ago I recall that I was the only person in the theater freaking out, screaming, “HOLY $#^! IT’S GORT!”

Gort teaser

Seeing that they brought Gort back temporarily numbed my disappoint from the fact that those fools at Twentieth Century Fox yet again decided to cast the worst actor in Hollywood as the star. I can only hope that Keanu Reeves doesn’t completely destroy the movie. Okay, okay. He was really awesome as Ted Logan, and apparently he can put butts in seats, so we’ll have to suffer until that changes (or he goes to acting school).

For those of you that want to be just blown away from seeing Gort for the first time when you actually go to see the movie, look away now.

A new trailer revealed Gort in all his glory:

Gort in all his glory

In the original, Gort was commanded to destroy the Earth in order to eradicate what some alien committee decided was a race of humans too dangerous to allow to continue living. Yeah… real civilized of them, eh?

Spoiler Alert!

As is the currently-cool Hollywood thing to do, the message of the new movie is that us humans are stupid and if we don’t pay attention to Al Gore (er… Al Gort?) and start driving smart cars, an alien race (or trees if you ask M. Knight) will come along and kill us all.

See, Al Gore really did deserve the Nobel Prize for Peace — his efforts might stop an alien invasion force of a single really cool robot from violently destroying all of mankind in a very non-peaceful manner!

In the remake, as far as I can tell, the alien committee decides that if humans are allowed to live, they’ll destroy the Earth. So in order to save the Earth, the aliens put out the extermination order on the human race. As Klaatu’s irrefutable logic puts it: “If the Earth dies, you die. If you die, the Earth lives.”

A more civilized race of aliens might instead offer to help humans clean up our act, but whatever.

At any rate, here is what the movie would be like if I were in charge of editing:

Day the Earth Stood Still short comic

Okay. Maybe I should leave movie making to the experts. If it turns out that they made the right pick in Keanu Reeves as the choice to play Klaatu, I’ll admit they are better at it than me.

Pointless Study Proves Teenagers Are Full of Themselves

Okay, I wrote three serious posts in a row. I’ve gone WAY over quota for the year. Let’s get back to business, shall we?

The audacity of today’s teens knows no boundsA recent study published by Psychological Science magazine shows that teenagers are, essentially, overconfident.


Where have these people been? Have they not visited a movie theater over the weekend in the last five years? Today’s teens are full of themselves? No way!

Without These Brave Souls, We Wouldn’t Be Here

Honoring U.S. Military VeteransIt’s Veteran’s Day people. There are some Americans out there who would spit on the graves of every Soldier, Marine, and Sailor who died during the American Revolution. Don’t you dare come around my place. Not today.

Because this day and days like it, my tolerance is extremely low for your kind. Every other day, I’ll let you have the freedom that all those Soldiers, Marines, Sailors (including Coast Guardsmen), and Airmen died for to ensure your right to hate them.

And even though it’s my right to hate your guts for it, I won’t… except for today. Also this day. And this one.

But today, let us remember those who have “returned to headquarters” and honor those who still remain on “active duty.”

Trust me, you don’t want these battle-hardened men to come around and kick your butt for dishonoring their buddies.

Stu the Wise Flies — Well, His Voice Does Anyway

Well, I’m a little depressed because I got my butt kicked in the presidential election, and I’m sure my millions of supporters out there are feeling a little blue.

So I’ve decided to put my entire radio show (well, the important parts anyway — the parts where I’m talking ;) ) from November  1 up for your pure listening enjoyment.

Keep in mind that, although I am incredibly awesome at so many things, it has been 15 years since I was last on the air. Please forgive me for screwing up a bunch of times as I tried to get the hang of the new technologies and for the 50+ times I do the big DJ no-no of saying “uh” and “umm” over and over.