Monthly Archives: July 2008

One More Reason to Not Drink… or Become a Pastor

I’ll admit, when I was between the ages of 19 and 22 I was pretty stupid. But one thing I was smart enough to do was control my drinking. I did this by not drinking. But for those who fail to not drink during these, among the stupidest years of one’s life, then bad things happen.

Things like having your crotch lit on fire by your “friends,” giving him second degree burns on his *ahem* Yeah, I put “friend’s” in quotes because, I mean, who would do something like that? Perhaps your worst enemy? Remember the scene from Return of the Jedi when Luke Skywalker lit Darth Vader’s crotch on fire? Personally, I blame George Lucas for providing these dimwits with the idea.

Darth Vader's Funeral

What’s next? People trying to curve bullets?!

But don’t think the friend is free from blame. I mean, you drink enough to pass out and leave a bottle of cologne and some matches lying around and man, you are just asking for it!

But can young foolish drunkenness compare to being a pastor? Afterall, this guy gets drunk, passes out, then a couple of other drunk fellers light him up. But Pastor Jeff Harlow managed to mess himself up all on his lonesome and he doesn’t even have the excuse of being drunk to play off on.

Dirt Biking Pastor

So the question of your life may be: Would you rather be a pastor or drunk?

New Super Collider May Create “Holes of Color” or How to Make a Complete Fool of Yourself

The Hadron Super Collider (LHC) is about to go on line next month. Now who would think that destroying microscopic particles smaller than an atom could cause so much fuss? Well, apparently the Hadron Collider just might destroy the Earth… or so says the Lifeboat Foundation, who has recommended the creation of a particle accelerator shield.

The concern is that the immense energy that the LHC will create via its super-duper destruction of protons could result in the creation of miniature black holes singularities-that-are-super-massive-with-gravity-so-strong-even-light-can’t-escape. Cause for major concern, right?

Well, only problem is that even if these “holes of the universe which emit no light” are created, they will be so miniscule — having 5,000 times the mass of a proton (a booger produces more gravity than ones of these things) — as to not be an issue. Secondly, Stephen Hawking (whoever that is… I heard he’s like really smart or something) calculates (hopefully he didn’t forget to carry the 2 during his calculation!) that such micro-singularities will throw off more mass than they they are able to absorb due to their incredibly small size, thereby only lasting for a very short period of time.

So… method #1 of making a fool of yourself is to recommend the creation of something to protect yourself from an impossible scenario. On the other hand, people said the same thing about Noah when he started building a huge ark. Next thing you know, he lives and everybody else dies. Hmmm…

Now if you’re wondering why the hell I’ve been talking about super-massive singularities of the universe that don’t emit light rather than calling them by their common name, well, it’s because I really don’t want to offend anyone.

… ppphhhh

BWAH HAHAHA! Oh yeah, because I CARE so much about not offending dumbasses who are busy being offended for a living!

Dumbasses can be white too!Which brings me to method #2 of how to make a fool out of yourself: tell every astrophysicist in the world that they are racist scum for using the term “black hole.” Tell every chef, cook, and lover of desserts that “devil’s food cake” and “angel food cake” are also racist terms. Oh yeah, the term “black sheep” is a racist term too because it means you’re “bad” and it has the word “black” in it.

Alright, get a grip. Sheep are normally white. Black sheep are rare. Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you’re bad, it means you are different than the rest. Secondly, a black sheep is still a sheep. I doubt the sheep is offended by being compared to a human. Although the sheep might change its mind after seeing how stupid we’ve become as a people. Dude, a black sheep refers to a person’s personality and the way he/she chooses to live their life, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

A black hole is called such because it emits no light, thus making it black. NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

Angel food cake and devil’s food cake are CAKES, not people! You honestly think the guy that created devil’s food cake said to himself, “Gee, what should I call this? I know, it’s dark and evil looking so I’ll name it devil’s food cake to disguise the fact that I’m really referring to that evil black race of people! It’ll be my cruel joke on their entire race. Mwah hahaha!”

You are helping keep racism alive and well by taking every opportunity to bring up your race, even when your race is obviously not involved in any way shape or form.

I think black holes are the thing we need to worry about the least. We are more likely to destroy ourselves from becoming so offended by everything that everybody will die from fear of offending anybody else. Then the only people that will be left in the world are Seth McFarlane and the idiots who intentionally offend.

Stop making your non-caucasioness your scapegoat for everything would ya? You’re making a bad name for all the other stupid people out there who aren’t as stupid as you.

Taking Advantage of My Freedom to Be Crazy

This July 4th, I remember all the normal things you are supposed to remember. Like the fact that New York held out for 5 days before signing the Declaration of Independence, that South Carolina refused to provide soldiers to General Lincoln to defend their very own Charleston from the British, that it took those geniuses in Congress 165 years to finally make the nation’s birthday a legal holiday (guess they just wanted another paid day off), that it took nearly 90 years to open freedom to every American… uh, oh yeah, and the sacrifices of our forefathers that make it possible for me to pursue happiness.

To show my gratitude, I’m going to repost my response to my friend’s 4th of July special Four for Friday meme here on my own blog. Please enjoy!

Q1 – Holiday Travel: Retail gas prices rose overnight to a record high for the fourth day in a row, ahead of the July 4 holiday weekend — one of the nation’s busiest weekends for travel. Have you changed your July Fourth plans because of rising gas prices?

My plans were to drive to the local Burger King and get me a Whopper combo. But now, I’m not so sure I can afford the gas to do so :(

Q2 – Neighbors: On the afternoon of November 14, 2007, 61-year-old Joe Horn shot and killed two men burglarizing his Vietnamese-American neighbor’s home in Pasadena, Texas. Despite how you feel about Horn’s actions, would you choose to defend your neighbor’s home in the same way?

Well, if I were in Texas (where it’s legal to lethally defend property) and assuming I didn’t hate my neighbor (in which case I’d probably join in on the burglarizing), yes I would. In Utah, the laws make it much more difficult to defend yourself (much less your property or your neighbor’s property), so there’s no way I would. Hey, Texas being Texas, I figure if you try to rob a man’s house you better be expecting to get shot.

Q3 – Gobble Up: Now that the European Large Hadron Collider is completed and ready to fire up in August, a slew of articles have popped up on the Internet and in newspapers around the world quoting doomsayers. An AP article from last weekend was the most recent example of critics warning that the 17-mile, $5.8 billion supercollider–which will slam protons together in an attempt to learn more about the building blocks of the universe–will inadvertently create a black hole that will gobble up planet Earth. Are you worried?

A black hole? I’ve always wanted to see one of those things close up! Actually, I’m more distressed over Schrodinger’s cat. Where’s the Humane Society when you need them?! I’m pretty sure it’ll take more than a couple of protons colliding to create a black hole. And if it does… man, what a way to go!!!

Q4 – You Choose: We all know that there only 12 months in a year. But what if I gave you the ability to add a 13th month to the calendar! What would you call this 13th month and where in the calendar would you place it?

I would call the month “Stusmember” and make it the first month of the year. It would be the AWESOMEST month EVER… every year!

So there you have it folks! I edited the questions for space. To see the full, unedited version, visit Mikal’s BeliBlog and answer the Four for Friday yourself.