Monthly Archives: April 2008

No More Dirty Little Secrets

So my fellow blogger, Girl in the Crosswalk, had this great idea to create a list of dirty secrets. It seemed like a pretty therapeutic idea, so I decided to steal her idea and create one of my own!

Now, to all three (or so) people that read my blog, don’t even think about visiting Girl in the Crosswalk unless you are going to be nice! That said, here is my own laundry list of dirty little secrets:

1. I was born with a natural ability to shoot guns accurately. I was my platoon’s top marksman in boot camp. My shooting instructor told me the first day he met me, “You are one hell of a good shot, you know that recruit?” I tell people I love guns because shooting is something I’m good at, and I like to show off my skill. The truth is, I’m just keeping myself prepared for the end of the world when I’ll have to shoot all the crazy people trying to come and steal my sweet 70″ HDTV – which I haven’t bought yet, but will someday.

2. I have this crazy desire within me to raid drug houses and steal all their money and guns. Seems like a great way to make a living, don’t you think?

3. I think Rocky Road ice cream is nasty. But in my defense, I love chocolate and peanut butter ice cream!

4. My youngest son, who is currently five, has turned out to have a very logical-thinking mind, yet at the same time he is quite creative. I’ve decided to start preparing him to become a dancing astrophysicist when he grows up. It’s what I would like to be, so I’ll precariously live my dream through him.

5. I love cats, so I went down to the local Humane Society and adopted a couple of them. About two days later, I learned to hate cats. But I still love my cats… I just wish they would stop shedding, crapping, and barfing all over the place.

6. Starship Troopers is one of my favorite movies. Yeah, I know. The directing sucked and the acting was cheesy. But man, I just LOVED it!

7. I’m a lazy bastie. Oh wait, that’s not really much of a secret.

What the–?!8. Even though I’m half Filipino, I used to want to join the KKK – which I’m pretty sure I could accomplish being that I look totally white (unlike the KKK member in the photo… what the–?!) – because I think those big dunce cap lookin’ things they wear are totally stylish and awesome looking!

9. After meeting a few KKK members, I realized they are a bunch of numbnuts, so now I want to join them because I know I’d be the smartest guy there.

I remember seeing the following headline on Yahoo! Magazine many years ago: “On the Internet, you can be a dog and nobody will know.”

Which leads me to the biggest secret of my life…

I might be a dog!

Actors and Spongmonkeys — A Tribute to Elwon Bakly

I was speaking with my friend Elwon Bakly yesterday. Elwon, for those who don’t know, is one of the most talented actors the world has ever known! Well, he would be if the world knew of him.

This speaking with Elwon lead me to consider watching a movie he was in called The Basket. He plays a returning WWII vet who is one pissed mofo at the German Nazi basties who messed him up somethin’ fierce while he was trying to free Europe.

Anyway, so I logged in to my Netflix account to watch the trailer for it. That’s when I realized that I could watch the entire movie (well, the important parts anyway… the parts with Elwon in them) just from the trailer.

So to honor my friend Elwon, I decided to put together this Eltage… or Monwon? Er, I’ll just say Elwon montage. Thus, you can now enjoy the greatness of Elwon Bakly.

Elwon gets a Purple Heart

Angry Elwon

Attack of the Spongmonkeys

Just a Dream

So there you have it folks!

Now, Elwon normally plays comedic roles. However, The Basket is a drama, and Elwon has played the part of Jesus of Nazareth in the past. Nonetheless, if you want to waste your time watching the parts of the movie that don’t have Elwon, well, I guess I won’t hold it against you.

Ninjas Make Me Cry

Why do ninjas make me cry you ask?

Is it because they appear in a choking black cloud of smoke to cover me in ninja throwing stars, then disappear while leaving me on the floor to suffer in great pain as I slowly bleed to death?

Or perhaps because they covertly conceal themselves silently in my bathroom waiting patiently for the perfect moment to strike me through the heart with their expertly crafted ninja sword as I relieve myself?

Is it for all the times a ninja has performed the “vibrating palm” death touch (or def touch for all you Bloodsport fans out there) on me, sending me to my grave only to then give me the life touch, pulling me back from heaven’s grasp?

Maybe it’s just because I feel so sorry for them because they have no sense of true style?

No… no, none of these is true. The real reason they make me cry is revealed in this image below.

Monkey Takes a Sip

Crying from laughter… shameful.

I Am Iron Man

It’s come to my attention that there are a lot of people out there claiming to be the man behind the iron mask. Well, I’m here to put all those rumors to rest. Conspiracy theorists need no longer concern themselves with what the real identity of Iron Man is. Donald Rumsfeld is NOT, in fact, Iron Man.

I had hoped I wouldn’t have to do this, but I’m just tired of other people taking credit for all my superheroing, world saving, cat-rescuing-out-of-trees and so forth. Yep, you guessed it. Iron Man is… ME! And here’s an actual, undoctored photo to prove it:

Stu’s First Comic Book

That’s me holding the very first comic book I ever bought, the May 1987 issue of Iron Man, purchased from a Safeway supermarket.

As you can see, the cover showed my demise. I had to check myself, because as far as I knew I was still quite intact. I had no choice but to purchase the comic book which was based on me. It was kind of weird having them call me Tony Stark and what not, but whatever. I guess they wanted to avoid getting sued by me.

Now, I know what you’re saying…

“Stu, how do we know you didn’t just create an Iron Man mask in your garage and put it on to fool us?”

Stu being escorted by F22 RaptorsTo that, I respond with this recent photo taken by the U.S. Military when I accidentally wandered into the air space over Area 51. My helmet was in the shop for repairs that day, so I just flew without it. And to answer your question before you ask it, yes I got a lot of bugs in my teeth that day.

Also, don’t forget to catch my movie coming out May 2nd. Unlike the comic book, I actually personally endorse it. Because, you know, me and director John Favreau are good pals. Maybe not as close as J.J. Abrams, but almost.