Dear My Favorite Restaurants,
Recently, Men’s Health magazine trashed you for no good reason. That came as no surprise to me, since they don’t have anything better to do but put others down so all those hot-bodied guys they use as models can feel better about themselves (now, did I just say that because I’m a closeted gay, or just make you wonder if I am? hmm…)
However, your reaction to said report was rather disappointing. To that, I have but one thing to say: Stop Being Embarrassed About Having Yummy Food!
Okay, I get it. Your food is packed full of calories, trans fats, artificial flavorings, and radioactive materials. I don’t care! Serve me up a 50,000 calorie dish! I can only eat a tenth of it anyway.
Serve me up some incredibly unhealthy garbage! If it tastes good, I’ll eat it and come back for more.
So Red Robin, you got trashed because you don’t provide nutritional information on your gigantic gourmet burgers. Look, I’m okay with that! I’m not ordering giant burgers because I’m watching my weight or because I think they’ll prevent cancer.
Outback Steakhouse, stop trying to hide the fact that your cheese fries have nearly 3,000 calories. It’s how you say “yummy fries” in Australian, right? I get it! I want to eat fries like an Australian. Bring it on!
Hooters… I don’t go there for the wings, okay? I don’t care that it’s unhealthy, or gross, or anything else. However, you really ought to tell that hairy-armed, mustached waitress to shave or something.
And Arby’s. You put artificial flavoring in your “all natural” chicken strips? Well hold on while I puke up the thousands of chicken strips I’ve had over the last 15 years… so I can taste them again because they are so good!
And Fuddruckers, how dare you even consider putting up nutritional information about your one-pound burgers. Look, I’m a small guy and can barely get down a quarter pounder. But if I ever decide to try and take down a full pounder, it will be because I’m trying to commit suicide. Suicide by burger… mmm.
And Papa John’s, you aren’t making any attempt to put more healthy options on your menu? Well why should you? You only have the awesomest pizza IN THE WORLD! Don’t you dare touch your already perfect pizza. Change one ingredient and I shall never return! Unless, of course, the change is to put the incredibly-unhealthy-but-oh-so-sumptuous garlic sauce right into the pizza so I won’t have to dip it anymore. That would make the perfect pizza even more perfect.
And finally, my most oft-visited restaurant, Burger King. First, props for bringing back the Burger King in your commercials. I love that guy! Second, why in the world are you phasing out your french toast sticks?
So the fools at Men’s Health outed you on the fact that each stick contains 4 grams of fat. Once again, I’m not eating fast food for the health benefits. You’re being sued for not removing trans fats quickly enough? What happened to this being a free country?! I don’t need some idiot government watch dog to protect me from myself. If I want to freakin’ eat french toast sticks covered in hot lard, then that’s my freakin’ choice!
Every restaurant everywhere, be proud of your unhealthy-yet-yummy food! I’ve already quit eating at McDonald’s because they got rid of the super-size option and made their once delicious fries more healthy (and disgusting).
Somebody, please, stop the insanity!
Lover of Unhealthy Foods