Monthly Archives: December 2007

An Open Letter to My Favorite Restaurants

Dear My Favorite Restaurants,

Recently, Men’s Health magazine trashed you for no good reason. That came as no surprise to me, since they don’t have anything better to do but put others down so all those hot-bodied guys they use as models can feel better about themselves (now, did I just say that because I’m a closeted gay, or just make you wonder if I am? hmm…)

However, your reaction to said report was rather disappointing. To that, I have but one thing to say: Stop Being Embarrassed About Having Yummy Food!

Okay, I get it. Your food is packed full of calories, trans fats, artificial flavorings, and radioactive materials. I don’t care! Serve me up a 50,000 calorie dish! I can only eat a tenth of it anyway.

Serve me up some incredibly unhealthy garbage! If it tastes good, I’ll eat it and come back for more.

So Red Robin, you got trashed because you don’t provide nutritional information on your gigantic gourmet burgers. Look, I’m okay with that! I’m not ordering giant burgers because I’m watching my weight or because I think they’ll prevent cancer.

Outback Steakhouse, stop trying to hide the fact that your cheese fries have nearly 3,000 calories. It’s how you say “yummy fries” in Australian, right? I get it! I want to eat fries like an Australian. Bring it on!

The Hooters waitressesHooters… I don’t go there for the wings, okay? I don’t care that it’s unhealthy, or gross, or anything else. However, you really ought to tell that hairy-armed, mustached waitress to shave or something.

And Arby’s. You put artificial flavoring in your “all natural” chicken strips? Well hold on while I puke up the thousands of chicken strips I’ve had over the last 15 years… so I can taste them again because they are so good!

And Fuddruckers, how dare you even consider putting up nutritional information about your one-pound burgers. Look, I’m a small guy and can barely get down a quarter pounder. But if I ever decide to try and take down a full pounder, it will be because I’m trying to commit suicide. Suicide by burger… mmm.

And Papa John’s, you aren’t making any attempt to put more healthy options on your menu? Well why should you? You only have the awesomest pizza IN THE WORLD! Don’t you dare touch your already perfect pizza. Change one ingredient and I shall never return! Unless, of course, the change is to put the incredibly-unhealthy-but-oh-so-sumptuous garlic sauce right into the pizza so I won’t have to dip it anymore. That would make the perfect pizza even more perfect.

And finally, my most oft-visited restaurant, Burger King. First, props for bringing back the Burger King in your commercials. I love that guy! Second, why in the world are you phasing out your french toast sticks?

One sweet Burger King montage

So the fools at Men’s Health outed you on the fact that each stick contains 4 grams of fat. Once again, I’m not eating fast food for the health benefits. You’re being sued for not removing trans fats quickly enough? What happened to this being a free country?! I don’t need some idiot government watch dog to protect me from myself. If I want to freakin’ eat french toast sticks covered in hot lard, then that’s my freakin’ choice!

Every restaurant everywhere, be proud of your unhealthy-yet-yummy food! I’ve already quit eating at McDonald’s because they got rid of the super-size option and made their once delicious fries more healthy (and disgusting).

Somebody, please, stop the insanity!

Sincerely,

Lover of Unhealthy Foods

More Cellphone Photos

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted. Yep, it’s been a little crazy busy lately. But now that I get a nice four-day weekend, I figured I’d put a little sumthin’-sumthin’ up.

Longtime readers may be wondering where my anti-Christmas rant is for the year. Well, like I said, it’s been busy. But this and this ought to suffice.

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another cellphone pictures post.

First up: Here’s a picture of a Murcielago I happened upon on my way home from work one day.

Lamborghini Mucielago

That huge blob at the bottom of the photo? My finger. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Luckily, my fingers didn’t get in the way of this next one.

I saw this ’57 ‘Vette on my way back from lunch one day. I stopped and asked the owner if I could take a picture.

1957 Chevy Corvette

Here’s an interesting look into my work (although this incident happened at my previous job). An intro might help. Since I worked in the marketing department of this company, I had gone out and purchased Cory Rudl’s (may he rest in peace) Internet Marketing thingermajinger lesson book thing. It cost me $200.

Well, our biz dev manager worked out a partner deal with these guys, went up to Canada to visit them, and received two free copies of an updated version.

After screaming, “What the hell?!” I grabbed my $200 copy and threw on the ground, picked it up and threw it again. The pages all came flying out of the binder. My coworker, Ryan (aka Buck as most of us call him), was not happy that I was making a mess of the workplace, so he grabbed all the papers and threw them all over my cubicle. Nice!

IMC Death

Speaking of Buck, this is what happens at my former work place when you decide to go on vacation:

Buck returns from vacation

Yeah, so Buck and I had worked up to 4 weeks of paid vacation, but you have to really think hard about whether or not you actually wanted to ever use it.

As long as we’re on the subject of childish behavior…

So I’ve been teaching Sunday School to teenagers in the various wards I’ve lived in for the last 3 out of 4 years. In my previous ward, one of my students grabbed my phone and snapped this photo while I wasn’t looking:

Britney steals Stu's phone

Sorry for embarrassing you Britney. She is actually a very pretty girl when she’s not making faces. No, really!

And just to show that teenage behavior is the same no matter where you live; in my new ward, another one of my students stole my phone and snapped this beautiful picture of my hand.

Jake steals Stu's phone

Remember the biz dev manager that resulted in the death of my Internet Marketing thinger manual? Well, he broke his ankle a while back, and I had the pleasure of being among the first to sign his cast.

Jared's broken ankle

As long as we’re on Jared, the biz dev manager; he often gets to go to free Jazz games where one of the partners he works with owns a suite. At one game, while he was stuffing his face with all-you-can eat shrimp and crab legs, I was up in the nose bleeds with my good buddy Brad.

Brad and Stu at a Jazz game

And yes, we really were in the nose bleed section:

Nose bleeds at a Jazz game

And finally…

I have to apologize to Senator Edwards on this for a rather unflattering photo of him, but I was trying to hurry and snap this before it changed.

This occurred during a democratic presidential debate several weeks ago.

John Edwards at presidential debate

I think the look on Edwards’ face makes it clear what his thoughts on the matter are: “What the hell is a positon?”

So there you have it folks. A nice long post to make up for a long absence.

Edit: 12/28/2007

One sweet show-winning Mustang for good measure:

Mustang II

Stu Approves Mitt Romney’s Faith in America Speech

In the past, I’ve criticized Romney for is perceived embarrassment at being Mormon. I later apologized. And now, I am glad to have read the transcript of Romney’s Faith in America speech made earlier today.

And I have just this to say: “Yes, Governor Romney, that is good enough for me.” Because, you know, Mitt reads my blog all the time don’t you know? And, uh, you know… he seeks my advice all the time and stuff. Yeah, I’m that important.

My greatest fear, though I felt sure he wouldn’t dream of doing it, was that he would attempt to distance himself from his Mormon faith in order to better secure the next step in his bid for the presidency, which is to gain the Republican nomination.

Rather he, as I hoped he would, reaffirmed his Mormon faith, and iterated its importance to him by saying:

[Some people] would prefer it if I would simply distance myself from my religion, say that it is more a tradition than my personal conviction, or disavow one or another of its precepts. That I will not do. I believe in my Mormon faith and I endeavor to live by it. My faith is the faith of my fathers – I will be true to them and to my beliefs.

He cemented that fact by following up the above statement with:

Some believe that such a confession of my faith will sink my candidacy. If they are right, so be it.

Good on you Mr. Romney! Mitt went on to iterate that, as president, he would serve the people of America – all the people, not the Mormon Church leadership:

We separate church and state affairs in this country, and for good reason. No religion should dictate to the state nor should the state interfere with the free practice of religion.

[As governor of Massachusetts] I did not confuse the particular teachings of my church with the obligations of the office and of the Constitution – and of course, I would not do so as President. I will put no doctrine of any church above the plain duties of the office and the sovereign authority of the law.

So far, the response from the press and media has been positive. It will be interesting to see how things play out in the next few weeks.

For the full speech, checkout the transcript.

The Absurdity of Mitt Romney’s Mormon “Problem”

So Huckabee has seen a surge in the Iowa polls, nearly catching Romney who had a sizable lead previously. This comes shortly after Huckabee started running ads that basically say, “Hey, look at me… I’m a Christian!”

Okay, I usually do very unserious posts, so let me apologize in advance for this serious (well, as serious as I’ll ever get) post.

Now, before I start my rant, let me just say that I am a Mormon, so you’ll understand where I’m coming from. But I also didn’t support Romney early on. I was a “hard line” backer of John McCain (oh yeah, I’ve been a republican since I was about three years old, much to the chagrin of my moderately liberal parents).

Over time, I began to waiver between Romney and McCain. Now, I used to have a rather strong dislike for Romney. Then I did a really crazy thing. I started looking at his stance on the issues, checking his record as Massachusetts governor, and listening to his (extremely slick) talks. I found out he’s a lot like me on the issues! Good thing I’m not a politician. I’d be torn apart for being a flip-flopper.

Senator Robert Byrd is a former member of the KKK. Then he changed his mind about racism. FLIP FLOPPER! Can’t trust a thing that guy does. He just might change his mind when he realizes he’s wrong about something!

Anyway, moving on…

So Huckabee runs a bunch of ads that promote his Christianity and then experiences a sudden surge in the polls. While Huckabee is proud of the fact that he is stealing away votes from more qualified candidates that have a far better chance of winning than him, I have to wonder what this says about the people of Iowa.

Far be it from me to judge Iowans, but is Huckabee’s Christianity that big of a qualifier for the office of president? Huckabee seems to think so. He went so far as to say that his poll surge is the result of “Divine providence.”

Huckabee's Divine providence

Okay, I think I’m not wanting a president who says stuff like that. While Christian (and Mormon — yep, we actually believe a few “normal” things too!) theology teaches that all things are of God… I mean, do we want a president that openly says stuff like that? If he royally screws up and launches a missile at a seceding California, who is seceding because they’ve had just about enough of the ultra right-wing religious BS (my view as well — look, I consider myself a religious guy, but leave religion for church and the home… it does not belong in politics! (or science for that matter… yeah, I said it)), and causes the state to fall into the ocean, is he just gonna blame it on Satan or the super-evil people of California who brought upon the wrath of God? I mean, it’s Divine providence that he became president. Why not blame somebody else for your screw ups too?Just look at all the finger pointing and “That dude’s crazy!” talk that happens every time bin Laden or some psychotic Muslim cleric rants about how much Allah hates America. By the way, Muslims are talking about the same god Christians (and Mormons… yeah, contrary to popular belief, we pray to the god of the Bible) pray to, the God of Abraham, when they say “Allah.”

One Iowa woman was quoted as saying she questioned whether God even heard Romney’s prayers and whether we wanted a president whose prayers “don’t get through.” Seriously… people of Iowa, I’m embarrassed on your behalf!

Romney casting his Mormon spellsI mean, HOLY LIVING CRAP, ROMNEY IS A CRAZY MORMON!!! Yeah, so? What’s the problem? Are you afraid he’s gonna cast some evil spell on you? Are you afraid he’s gonna turn America into a Mormonocracy? Are you afraid his Mormon horns are gonna sprout out of his head and impale some innocent world leader, thus causing WWIII? What?

I’ve read some of the anti-Mormon comments from anti-Romney-ites. The ignorance regarding my faith is astonishing… absolutely astonishing. Worse than the ignorance of my faith is that many people are against Romney based SOLELY on their ignorant beliefs about Mormonism.

Look, if you know nothing about my faith and don’t care to know, fine. I really don’t care. Yeah, the scriptures say I should spread the gospel, but I’m just too damn lazy. Interested in knowing? I’ll tell you. Otherwise, forget about it. Sorry.

But, when you know nothing about my faith, don’t go ranting and raving in a pile of ignorance that’s over your head about how Mormons do this and Mormons believe that. You really want to know what Mormons believe? Ask a Mormon. And not just any Mormon. Ask a Mormon that knows what the heck he is talking about (believe it or not, there is a large amount of ignorance about Mormon doctrines and teachings within our own church!)

It will be interesting to see if Romney’s upcoming speech will do any good.

Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

Look people, like the Evangelicals for Mitt website states, “The 2008 election is for president, not pastor.” If you’re voting for Huckabee based on an alignment of political issues, then great. But if you honestly think that he’s going to do a better job as president just because his theological beliefs are more similar to yours, then please, turn in your voter registration card now.

I also wonder if Huckabee, the super-duper Christian, would ever do something like this without a horde of camera crews present. Maybe he would. Who am I to say?

Fraud of the FSM Church

For those whom I converted during my mission on behalf of the FSM Church, I apologize. You may feel that I lied to you, but the truth is, I earnestly believed in the FSM Church at the time.

Church of the Fraudulent Spaghetti MonsterHowever, certain “scientific truths” have come to light that have resulted in my apostatizing from the church. I can no longer continue on like a blinded fool, obeying the false doctrines of the FSM Church.

My mission now is to reveal the fraud of the FSM Church that others might not be fooled!

Read my story on my Church of FSM page. Down with the FSM!