Monthly Archives: October 2007

Defending One’s Honor

So when I first started this blog, it was strictly personal. So my blog posts were aimed at my friends and family because they were the only ones who ever read it, save for the occasional passerby who stumbled across my blog via some weird search term.

For the guy that regrets getting married after 4 years; science has discovered that the so called 7-year itch is actually a 4-year itch. Us humans are designed to lose interest in our spouses after about 4 years, thus the reason about half of all divorces happen at the 4-year mark. Buck up and get over it. After 12 years, I still feel that marrying my wife was the smartest thing I ever did. And the hard work is well worth it, as you’ll discover when you get over the 4-year hump.

Anyway, the number of visits to my blog has gone way up over the last few months, and a few Marines have stumbled across an old ranting post about my anger over getting sent home from Marine Corps basic training. Some of them (possibly most of them) have taken offense to my rant, and one even left me a pretty scorching response. That this latest Marine, having read my post without the benefit of knowing the circumstances under which the situation occurred, is simply ignorant, and I feel the need to defend my honor.

First, let’s start with the fact that he called me a “non-hacker,” as in I couldn’t hack boot camp, not that I’m incapable of hacking a computer. But even if he was, I did actually hack the systems of the computer science computers and those in the language lab when I was in college.

So, this guy clearly missed the part about how I was sent home two week – TWO WEEKS! – before my platoon’s graduation. I was there long enough to graduate from basic training in every other branch of service. I was a squad leader, my platoon’s top marksman, was one of maybe a dozen recruits in my platoon of 60 to achieve the 20/80 PT requirements (something my recruiter never thought I’d be able to do), and I even got a severe case of bronchitis my first week there, but still participated in a 1.5 mile run before getting put on 3 days of light duty to recover. I was also one of the most disciplined recruits, period. My drill instructors knew this, and gave me credit for it. Unlike the ignorant Marine, I was not once picked on by a single drill instructor. Or at least, I never felt that I was. In fact, it was the meanest drill instructors that I respected the most.

My entire platoon hated Sgt. Milton. I thought he was awesome.

In fact, my DI’s learned to stop asking me if I thought they were crazy, to which I always responded “Yes Sir!” or if they asked me if I was crazy, I often responded with, “Like a fox, Sir!”

The ignorant Marine seemed to think that I hated my SDI because he picked on me. Far from it. I hated him because he made no bones about the fact that he was trying to get out of completing his tour as DI. I give the guy credit for making Senior at just 25 years old, but he was young and inexperienced… and a brat frankly. I hated him even though he was the “nice” one (DI’s have roles, and his was to be the nice guy). Furthermore, he blatantly violated my right to privacy when he opened up my medical file and openly shared it with several other DI’s. So much for doctor-patient confidentiality.

Let’s not forget to mention the fact that I told every Marine that would listen that I wanted to stay in training. One of the first questions I was asked after being sent to MHU was, “Do you want me to send you home?” to which I emphatically responded, “NO SIR!” I was then asked, “Why not?”

Well, I was a little taken aback by that question. But my response was simple. “This recruit didn’t join the Marines to be sent home a civilian.”

My father put in his 20 years across three different branches, my brother was in the Army (and has just recently re-enlisted), my uncle is a Korean War veteran, I have a close friend that is a Marine Corps OCS graduate, another that is a former Army Ranger, a cousin that put in his eight years, my cousin’s husband is a “lifer” in the Corps, and another friend is a Marine Corps Vietnam vet (and sole ambush survivor from his platoon). The last thing on my mind was being sent home to disappoint my friends and dishonor my family’s name.

Just before I was sent home, I heard a rumor that I would be allowed to re-enlist after a 6 month waiting period. Having previously thought that I wouldn’t be allowed back in at all, I made the decision then and there that I was going to re-enlist. Almost as soon as I stepped off the bus after getting home, I started training for my eventual re-enlistment. I got shin splints really bad during the second phase of training, so I started exercises to toughen them up. I also spent a lot of time swimming and running.

At night, I regularly had dreams about boot camp after re-enlisting. I once even had a dream where I discovered that I was going to be sent home again… for the fourth time. I initially felt sick to my stomach, but then said to myself, “Oh well, guess I’ll just have to do it over again for the fifth time.”

I set my re-enlistment date for January 1996. On November 21, 1995 (just a few weeks after choosing my re-enlistment date) I was in a motorcycle accident that shredded the nerves of my right arm. My right arm became useless after that day. A good friend came to visit me in the hospital and asked me, “So you STILL want to go back to the Marines?” I answered very somberly, “I don’t think they’ll take me now.”

Despite my injury, I always held out hope that medical technology would come up with something in time for me to go back. I held a huge party on my 28th birthday. It was actually one of the saddest days in my life. The Marines don’t take anybody new that is 28 or older.

And the ignorant Marine obviously missed the part about how a Navy doctor blatantly lied on my medical file. That was essentially the nail in the coffin that got me sent home.

The last two weeks of training in 1994 (long before the introduction of The Crucible) was the easiest part of boot. You basically spent it practicing for the graduation ceremony. Now, you honestly think a “non-hacker” would make squad leader, be his platoon’s top marksman, believe that the best part of boot was puking his guts out in the gas chamber, and wait until the easiest part of training to get himself sent home?

However, he did get one thing right. I am a whiner. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be whining about him calling me a non-hacker. But heck, how boring life would be if we couldn’t whine about it every now and then, eh? Life sucks, and whining every now and then is a great way to deal with it. Hell, it’s the American way! Besides, without whiners psychologists wouldn’t have anything to do and Presidential debates would be so boring.

So let’s all do our part to contribute to the American way, and whine away! Got something you wanna get off your chest? Let’s hear it.

Oh yeah… and like my header says, “Lighten up! Life’s too short to take seriously.”

Stu Smart Enough for Mensa, but Still Dumber Than a 2 Year Old

Hey, don’t laugh! You think you’re smarter than a two-year old? Well, you better have an IQ greater than 152!

Two year old girl joins MENSAThis is not a joke people. A two year old girl has officially tested with an IQ of 152, and has recently become the youngest female ever to join MENSA, the high IQ society. She joins just 29 other MENSA members under the age of ten. MENSA membership is by invitation only, and requires that you score 130 or higher on an officially approved IQ test, thereby placing you as one of the top 2% “smartest” people in the world.

There are different types of IQ tests, so you must take a MENSA approved one in order to be considered for membership. When you hear people talking about their IQ being some outrageous number like 190 or 230, this is not from a MENSA test, and they are almost certainly lying… Stephen Hawking’s IQ is estimated to be about 160. What great mysteries have the 200 IQ claimers solved in their life? Why aren’t they out curing cancer or rewriting the laws of physics or something?

Why is Stephen Hawking’s IQ estimated? Because he’s never taken an IQ test before. When asked in an interview what his IQ was, Dr. Hawking responded, “I have no idea. People who boast about their IQ are losers.”

Which is exactly why I won’t boast about mine by posting it here:

Stu's IQ Test Score

“Stu, you said you weren’t going to boast, and yet here you are displaying your IQ test results high enough to join those snobby MENSA types!”

Uhh… did I mention that I’m dumber than a two-year old? I’m not boasting. That would make me a loser! Besides, I’m sure that everybody who reads my blog is smarter than me ;)

So the question now becomes, “Stu, if you’re so smart, why’d you fail half your high school classes and drop out of college?” My answer? Well, I worked the system to graduate high school (it was way easier than actually doing all that work!) As for college… umm. I’m too smart for college. Yeah, that’s it!

Want to find out if you’re smarter than a two-year old? Take the same test I did at GIQTest.com. It is the most accurate online IQ test. If you’ve taken that stupid Tickle IQ test, you’ll find that GIQ is much more accurate. Afterall, according to Tickle I’m a genius (which even I’m smart enough to contest!):

The GIQ test has been compared and corrected against hundreds of real-life proctored IQ tests, making it accurate to within 4%, meaning that if I were to take a real IQ test I could expect to score between 127 and 137 (probably more towards the lower end).The GIQ test is free to take, but costs $10 to get your results, so keep that in mind. Last thing you want to do is waste time taking the test then decide you don’t want to fork over the $10. Personally, I think if you’re willing to pay $10 to take an online IQ test, it automatically knocks 20 points off your IQ. That makes me even dumber than I thought!

It would be easy to cheat on the GIQ test because it is online and self monitored. But if you’re going to pay $10 for it, don’t you want to know your real IQ level?

Anyway, if anybody else is as dumb as me and wants to fork over the $10 to take the test, feel free to respond with your test results. I have a feeling I’m gonna get owned!

Oh, and if you score lower than me, don’t feel bad. A score of 100 is average, and you have to score below 70 to be considered “mildly” retarded. And honestly, if you score below 100, you’re in good company with some of history’s greatest warriors, heroes, and rulers. Have fun!

Study Reveals, “Human Brain Will Believe Anything”

In the movie business, there’s this thing called “suspension of disbelief.” Suspension of disbelief is required when we are watching something on screen that is so outrageously impossible that the audience must disregard their knowledge of the real world in order to accept that what they just saw can actually happen.

Suspension of Disbelief

It’s this suspension of belief that makes it even remotely possible for people to enjoy movies like Top Gun (in order to believe that Tom Cruise could ever possibly make it through the Naval Academy and become an officer) or *shudder* Armageddon.

In another pointless study, researchers discovered that our brains are apparently designed to believe lies that are told to us, thus explaining why humans are so easily brainwashed, so quick to believe conspiracy theories, and can stand to watch movies like Armageddon.

Research showed that even when test subjects knew the truth, they tended to believe lies counter to what they knew to be true. Weird huh?

Read the full story at Reuters.

Stupid Crook Holds Cell Phone for Ransom

You’ve heard of the Six Million Dollar Man. But what about the $185,000 cell phone?

A Columbia, PA man stole a woman’s cell phone and, despite being a normally very bright thief, then actually thought he could hold it ransom for six figures. The owner of the cell phone apparently is just a bit brighter than the crook however, managing to outmaneuver the ransomer with her deft negotiation skills, talking the crook down to $200.

Wow! I need to bring her with me next time I buy a car!

The crook, in a highly unusual fit of stupidity, agreed to meet the woman and make the exchange. Much to the crook’s surprise, the police just so happened to be hanging out at the agreed upon meeting place to arrest the cell-phone ransomer. Way to go boys in blue! Who says they’re never around when you need them?

Check out the full story.

Dentist Cares for Teeth… and Breasts Too

We usually think of dentists as pretty smart people. I mean, we have to call them doctor, and aren’t doctors supposed to be all knowing?

However, at least one not-so-bright person in the world has managed to get his doctorate in dentistry. A California dentist somehow thought that he could freely fondle the breasts of his female patients and convince them that it was a necessary treatment for TMJ (a disorder of the jaw).

Okay look, I’ve never really been entirely convinced by these new fangled homeopathic remedies. Some Chinese guy wanted to stick me full of needles once. Believe me, you’ve never seen me run faster before in my life!

Now, we might look at the dentist and think, “That’s stupid of him! What makes him think he would get away with that?”

Well, guess he wasn’t as stupid as we all think. He got away with it for several years at least.

Fortunately, one of the dentist’s patients finally figured out the dentist was full of crap and turned him in. But this is where it gets interesting. Once one person reported him and it made the news, victims started coming out of the woodwork. I’m left to wonder who the smarter person is here… the dentist, or the woman who claimed the dentist fondled her at least six times over a two year period.

Six times over two years?! Uhh… is he like the only dentist in all of California or something?

Read the full story here.

Maybe I Should Go to Anger Management

So, first I’m pissed that my neighbor’s dog craps on my lawn. Then the next day, I want to run over a guy on a scooter. What is the world coming to… or perhaps I should be asking, “What is my mind coming to?”

I’m driving home for lunch one day. I pull up to a red traffic light behind two men sitting on two scooters. They are about 20 feet back from where they ought to be, so I am about to go around them and pull all the way to the front, rather than waiting so far back. Before I can, the light turns green.

As I prepare to go, the two men on their scooters are busy yakety-yakking with each other and don’t notice the green light, so I politely toot my horn at them. Just two very light touches of the horn.

One of the scooter boys turns to give me a dirty look before finally accelerating, traveling 20 feet before even entering the intersection. About a block before my turn off, the same scooter boy that gave me a dirty look begins slowing down, turns around and yells at me, throwing up his hand. I yell at him, “What?” but quickly realize that he can’t hear me because all my windows are rolled up.

I turn on my turn signal and move over to make my turn, at which point scooter boy flips me the bird.

I think to myself, “Well what the heck is his problem?” Then I realize how easy it would be for me to simply kill scooter boy by running him over with my car. I floor the accelerator and steer towards scooter boy. My car downshifts, the engine revs, and I begin to accelerate.

Just as I’m about to make contact with numb-nuts… er, I mean scooter boy, I realize that I actually need to get home and eat lunch. That and killing dip-smack would probably land me in jail. So at the last possible moment, I quickly slam on the brakes, yank the wheel, and skid into a turn to head home.

Now, setting aside the stupidity of an idiot riding with no helmet and flipping off other drivers, I figured — just for a moment — that this guy deserved to die. I mean, if you’re stupid enough to point a gun at a cop without reason, then you are probably too stupid to serve much purpose in life. I figured the same was true of nimrod. I don’t know nutwad from Adam, but man did I ever want to run him over!

Well, I got home and killed my neighbor’s dog. Um… no, I didn’t really kill my neighbor’s dog. I just fantasized about it.

So, what would you say? I anger too easily, or scooter boy shouldn’t be riding around flipping off drivers for no reason? The answer is probably both, but since I have no control over bat-for-brains, I should just realize he’s an idiot and not be mad about it.

Before you decide, let me just say that 10 years ago I would have followed him long enough to get his license plate, found out where he lived, then probably torch his scooter in the middle of the night. And just for fun, I’d beat him with a baseball bat or something. So you see, I’m getting better!

Religion NOT to Blame for World’s Problems

“Religious” violence, hatred and bigotry, and everything else that’s wrong in the world. Personally, I blame it on the natural stupidity of man. Animals express violence on occasion. Are they fighting over whose god is better? Do dogs chase cats, barking at them, “Dog god is true, cat god is false! Die cat, die!”

Do you honestly think our pal Osama would stop preaching death and violence if the entire world converted to Islam? Well, considering they can’t even decide which version of Islam is correct, I really doubt it. But what if we all joined Osama’s Islam?

My dad used to say, “If you get rid of guns, people will just find something else to kill with.” Cain didn’t have a gun, but he sure didn’t let it stop him.

Get rid of religion, and people will just find another reason to kill. It’s called power, lust, jealousy — remember Helen of Troy? The Spartans didn’t have guns either.

And here’s my reason (since I don’t give a flying crap what god(s) you pray to): My neighbor’s dog keeps crapping on my lawn. His dog is going to either stop crapping on my lawn, or it’s going to die.

My anger and desire to commit violence has nothing to do with the god my neighbor (or his dog) worships. I have a completely different reason for wanting to kill. So you see, the stupidity of my neighbor causes violence. Or am I stupid for wanting to kill over a little dog crap on my lawn?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now THAT’S worth fighting over! Get ready for some scientific violence boy and girls!

Scientific Studies Yet Again Prove Their Worth

In 2006, the geeks of the world brought us 50 new earth-shattering discoveries that, I don’t know, maybe saved a hamster’s life or something.

As 2007 begins to wind down, geeks have been no less virulent in their quest for new knowledge. So what are our universities and smartest scientists all figuring out with their very expensive studies? Here are a few highlights:

Polluted Air is Bad for You

Thanks, ’cause I had no idea hacking up a lung after inhaling air so thick you can cut it with a knife meant that it was killing me.

Buying Cigarettes Costs Money

Now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that spending money on cigarettes actually costs money? Wow! Well, at least spending money on other things, like pointless studies, doesn’t cost money! Or does it? Maybe we should do a study on that.

If You’re Dying, the Longer it Takes to Get to the Hospital the more Likely You are to Die

I’ll remember to tip my ambulance driver better next time.

Teenage Drivers Are More Likely to Behave Irresponsibly Behind the Wheel

Here’s another news breaker for you: get a bunch of teens together and they can be incredibly annoying. Shocking but true.

Taking Cocaine in Conjunction with Alcohol is Not Good for the Brain

So apparently cocaine does NOT counteract the effects of being a stupid drunk. If you’ve got stock in cocaine, you might want to dump it now before word gets out.

People Are Harder to Recognize the Farther Away they Are

Seriously! The reason this is true: the farther away something is, the more difficult it is to see. Hmmm… so THAT’S why I can’t see Pluto at night!

Well, that was almost all of them. But if you want to read about the remaining pointless studies where we learned really (not) important stuff as a result, check it out.

In fairness to those who conducted these studies, the article pointed out that it is apparently easier to get funding for studies designed to prove the obvious. Scientists often lobby for grant money to conduct stupid studies in order to fund more important research.

Okay, so the scientists have an excuse. But what do the institutions giving up the money have to say for themselves? Maybe we should conduct a study. Anybody want to fund me on that one?

Mitt Romney, I Was Wrong and I Take It Back

Stu was wrong about RomneyWell, well, well… Every once in a while, Stu here makes a mistake. Hard to believe, but true.

See, Mitt Romney isn’t the only one who can admit that he was wrong in the past. I can do it too. Luckily, I won’t have a maelstrom of crazy people condemning me for changing my position.

Mr. Romney, I cannot apologize quickly enough. Like I said, I’m not that much into politics and I haven’t paid that much attention to what you’ve been saying on the campaign trail. I am ashamed of myself.

Lucky for me (and I guess you) you have some passionate campaign volunteers where I work. After telling one of them that I tore into you on my blog yesterday, one of them was kind enough to point me to a YouTube video where, while off the air during a radio interview, you answered questions about your Mormon faith while unknowingly being recorded.

I’ll be honest here. I was freakin’ proud to see you defend your faith like you did. You did an excellent job explaining the Church’s stance on members in political positions, although your host didn’t seem to want to hear it. And strangely enough, one Mormon to another, I agreed with what you said (crazy that two Mormons would agree on theology huh?) and you may very well have stolen my vote away from McCain… not that you’ll have any trouble winning the primary in Utah without me.

Good on you Romney! I only wish now that I could take back what I said, delete my old post, make it look like I never said anything against you. But I did, and I’ll have to live with it. At least I won’t ever (I hope not ever) be asked by a bunch of politicos, “Hey, you said you were against Romney, then you changed your mind the very next day. What’s with the flip-flopping?”

I certainly don’t envy your position as a politician, and I envy your opponents even less now. Keep up the good work.

Here’s the video for your enjoyment:

Mitt, Stop Being Embarrassed That You’re Mormon!

Mitt Romney for PresidentOkay, I’m not much into politics. I have no idea what’s being said about Mitt Romney, nor do I know much about what Mitt has been saying. However, every once in a while I read something about Mitt and his Mormonism.

Usually it has to do with some crazy stat that says recent polls show that only three people in the world would vote for a Mormon for President (and, well, you know how I feel about polls).

But then sometimes I read something on MSNBC or some other news site about our pal Mitt trying to distance himself from his faith, or seeming very hesitant about answering some questions.

polls are stupid

This Newsweek story states that Romney was very hesitant to answer the question about doing baptisms for the dead, and almost sounding like he was trying to leave the impression that he doesn’t do it anymore.

Dude, Mitt, stop being embarrassed about being a Mormon! Yeah, so the world thinks us Mormons are a bunch of crazy psychos. In Jesus’ time, a whole lot of people thought that Jesus was a crazy psycho. But that didn’t make him ashamed of who he was, did it?

Here’s a tip for you Mr. Romney. Next time somebody says, “So, you do baptisms for the dead?” You say, “Hell yeah I do them! It’s part of my freaking faith! I’m a faithful Mormon. Read Mormons for Dummies and get a grip on the fact that I’m a Mormon, because I am a Mormon and I’m freakin’ proud to be a member of God’s one true church!”

And when they say, “Uhh… okay. So why do you do baptisms for the dead. That’s kind of weird dude.”

You say, “Because I believe God asked me to do it. If God asked you to do something, wouldn’t you freakin’ do it? I do it even though the world thinks I’m a weirdo because of it. And just like Job never turned his back on God, neither will I, even if it costs me the freakin’ Presidency.”

And yeah, say “freakin’” as often as you can. That freakin’ stand up comic and pretend Mormon Johnny B makes fun of Mormons for saying “freak” so much in his “Hey Mormons are freaks” bit, so we gotta help our poor misguided brother out by giving him more material.

I know you wouldn’t still be a Mormon if what happened to me when I was 23 didn’t also happen to you.

Look, I understand that you’re tired about people asking you about your faith when you’d rather be talking about how you’re going to run the country and make it a better place for us all. And I have a great deal of respect for you for respecting others that are “not the same” as us (my mother’s entire family, including herself, are Catholic and I was one of probably three Utah Republicans that that voted AGAINST the amendment to the Utah Constitution banning gay marriage).

However, I simply cannot give you my vote unless you deal with the fact that you’re a prominent Mormon in the public eye, and can settle the “Mormon problem” by seeing that it’s not a problem at all and that there is nothing to be ashamed about being a member of God’s church.

So… the poll that asks if your Mormonism will affect my vote? It sure will. If you keep acting like you’re ashamed of being a Mormon, you certainly won’t get mine. Stand up and be proud. You’re one of God’s children, as are we all, regardless of faith. But considering that thing that happened to you that happened to me when I was 23, you will be held to a different standard. Please remember that.

10/3/2007 Edit: I was wrong, I take it all back. I explain why here.