Category Archives: Crazy Science

New Super Collider May Create “Holes of Color” or How to Make a Complete Fool of Yourself

The Hadron Super Collider (LHC) is about to go on line next month. Now who would think that destroying microscopic particles smaller than an atom could cause so much fuss? Well, apparently the Hadron Collider just might destroy the Earth… or so says the Lifeboat Foundation, who has recommended the creation of a particle accelerator shield.

The concern is that the immense energy that the LHC will create via its super-duper destruction of protons could result in the creation of miniature black holes singularities-that-are-super-massive-with-gravity-so-strong-even-light-can’t-escape. Cause for major concern, right?

Well, only problem is that even if these “holes of the universe which emit no light” are created, they will be so miniscule — having 5,000 times the mass of a proton (a booger produces more gravity than ones of these things) — as to not be an issue. Secondly, Stephen Hawking (whoever that is… I heard he’s like really smart or something) calculates (hopefully he didn’t forget to carry the 2 during his calculation!) that such micro-singularities will throw off more mass than they they are able to absorb due to their incredibly small size, thereby only lasting for a very short period of time.

So… method #1 of making a fool of yourself is to recommend the creation of something to protect yourself from an impossible scenario. On the other hand, people said the same thing about Noah when he started building a huge ark. Next thing you know, he lives and everybody else dies. Hmmm…

Now if you’re wondering why the hell I’ve been talking about super-massive singularities of the universe that don’t emit light rather than calling them by their common name, well, it’s because I really don’t want to offend anyone.

… ppphhhh

BWAH HAHAHA! Oh yeah, because I CARE so much about not offending dumbasses who are busy being offended for a living!

Dumbasses can be white too!Which brings me to method #2 of how to make a fool out of yourself: tell every astrophysicist in the world that they are racist scum for using the term “black hole.” Tell every chef, cook, and lover of desserts that “devil’s food cake” and “angel food cake” are also racist terms. Oh yeah, the term “black sheep” is a racist term too because it means you’re “bad” and it has the word “black” in it.

Alright, get a grip. Sheep are normally white. Black sheep are rare. Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you’re bad, it means you are different than the rest. Secondly, a black sheep is still a sheep. I doubt the sheep is offended by being compared to a human. Although the sheep might change its mind after seeing how stupid we’ve become as a people. Dude, a black sheep refers to a person’s personality and the way he/she chooses to live their life, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

A black hole is called such because it emits no light, thus making it black. NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

Angel food cake and devil’s food cake are CAKES, not people! You honestly think the guy that created devil’s food cake said to himself, “Gee, what should I call this? I know, it’s dark and evil looking so I’ll name it devil’s food cake to disguise the fact that I’m really referring to that evil black race of people! It’ll be my cruel joke on their entire race. Mwah hahaha!”

You are helping keep racism alive and well by taking every opportunity to bring up your race, even when your race is obviously not involved in any way shape or form.

I think black holes are the thing we need to worry about the least. We are more likely to destroy ourselves from becoming so offended by everything that everybody will die from fear of offending anybody else. Then the only people that will be left in the world are Seth McFarlane and the idiots who intentionally offend.

Stop making your non-caucasioness your scapegoat for everything would ya? You’re making a bad name for all the other stupid people out there who aren’t as stupid as you.

Research Shows Bumper Stickers Equal Psychotic People

In the never-ending scientific research to better understand why some people are stupid, a lot of attention has been focused on road ragers whose logic seems, well, illogical.

Captain Kirk gets road rage

Road ragers are often hypocrites — tailgating others then slamming on their brakes when they are tailgated, cutting people off then giving the bird when honked at but giving the bird and honking if they are ever cut off, trashing Utah drivers when they themselves are a Utah driver (yet all the while proclaiming their immunity to the “Utah driver” moniker), not using their turn signal but throwing fits when others do the same… the list is endless.

And thanks to the great American tradition of spending money on pointless studies, scientists at Colorado State University have discovered and revealed in a recently published paper that drivers who plaster their cars with bumper stickers are more likely to have issues with road rage.

Come on now. Is this really news? You’re driving down the street and you see a car with something like, “I Brake for Nekkid Chicks” or “Keep Honking, I’ll Deal With You When I’m Done Yanking My Chain,” and you instantly understand the dope-hat behind the wheel isn’t particularly bright.

Now, while I don’t believe those geniuses down at CSU included this bit in their publication, I’m fairly certain that their research found that anybody with the bumper sticker of “We Love Stu!” is a happy, content, loved-by-everybody-and-would-never-commit-road-rage all around awesome person.

Men Not as Smart as They Think

So when the results of this study came out, I’m pretty sure I heard a collective, “Well, DUH!” from the world’s women. I wasn’t sure what was going on at first. I probably just figured Oprah Winfrey said something really well-duh’ish on her show or something. But then I read this story from Newsweek, and it all made sense to me.

Letterman admits he's not that smart to Oprah

I wish I could say I was not one of those men. Testing in high school showed that I had a very logical thinking mind, and that I tended to be logical “to the point of splitting hairs.” Even as a child, I tended to do things based on what seemed to be the most logical path. It would be completely illogical for me to lie about my intelligence.

However, I do have a rather clear memory of speaking with my wife (then girlfriend) back in 1995 about her having taken a test based on real I.Q. tests with supposedly corrected scoring to provide a relatively accurate I.Q. score. I proudly proclaimed that I had an I.Q. of, get this, 140. Yeah. I had never taken an I.Q. test in my life, but there I was bragging about being some kind of super genius.

In my own defense, I didn’t realize that a score of 140 is as high as it is. That, and uh… I’m a man. I really didn’t have a clue what the average I.Q. score was back then. Not very logical of me, huh?

Anyway, the test my then-girlfriend-now-wife took was out of a book she got at the local library. I was so confident in my self-rating (again, hardly logical) that I took the test as my then-girlfriend watched. In the end, I counted up my score with a whopping 127.

Did I learn my lesson? Hardly. I went around telling people I had an I.Q. of 130. In all fairness, I was eventually proved right when I took a more accurate test, though I’m now smart enough to not go around bragging about my lack of intelligence.

So what’s the point? Well, I would disagree with the Newsweek story. Only problem is I just got done proving that it’s true… at least in my case. Yeah, not very logical of me, is it?

However, there is one part of the story that I agree with: Men of average to below average intelligence tend to overestimate their smartiness by the largest margins. Well, yeah! Isn’t it always the dumbest guys that think they know everything? And can you blame them? They’re not smart enough to know that they don’t know anything!

Although, based on this famous quote from Socrates, if you realize your own stupidity you’re actually a genius:

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

Yeah. Not very logical is it? Socrates thought he was pretty smart by realizing that he knows nothing. But if he knows nothing, then how does he know that? Because by knowing that you know nothing, you know something. It’s a paradox worse than all the crap they pulled in those Back to the Future movies!

Nobody knew anything in 1985

I know nothing… except that.

Nutritionist Finally Agree with Stu: Peanut M&M’s are the Perfect Food

Orbs of LifeI eat a lot of peanut M&M’s. I love them. I’ve loved them for as long as I can remember. It was about 15 years ago I started referring to them as the Orbs of Life.

I began writing short stories that involved the Orbs of Life as a great and powerful device to accomplish great things. I have long believed that peanut M&M’s were the perfect food.

Well, I recently read this article on MSN about seven healthy foods that we should all be partaking of. The two that caught my eye were chocolate and nuts.

M&M’s… the perfect food. Let the world know that I was right. I WAS RIGHT TO LOVE THE ORBS OF LIFE!

Finally, Worthwhile Scientific Study Proves Sleep Is Good

With all the recent talk of pointless scientific studies on these pages, I’ve actually stumbled across one that seems to have been money well spent. So what grand knowledge have we gained from this most recent study? Very simply: sleep is good!

Those of you who are like me and have always insisted on getting a good 9+ hours of sleep each night now have something to back us up. The study pointed out, among many other things, that not everybody’s circadian rhythm (responsible for telling us when to sleep and when to not sleep) is the same. In fact, some of us have rhythms that are completely screwed up. Most prominent among them are night owls, who often have lengthened rhythms (they found in mice some with a circadian rhythm of up to 27 hours instead of 24) requiring that they stay up later and sleep longer.

Personally, I think the “mutation” that causes a lengthened circadian rhythm is in actuality the result of space aliens integrating with us Earthlings and cross breeding amongst us. The mutation is really just the result of a person inheriting the circadian rhythm of an alien from a world with longer days. What I’m saying, essentially, is that I am part alien. And no, I’m not referring to the fact that my mother is Filipino… I’m talking SPACE alien!
Aliens walking among us
This gives me special powers, like super strong teeth (as a teen, I brushed once a week and never got cavities), a super strong mind (you can punch my brain all day long, and it has no effect), and access to special alien technology that gives me super vision (a special alien lens known as “Accuvue” gives me better than 20/20 – so-called “perfect” – vision).

Unfortunately, my ancestors weren’t from a world with a shortened day, thereby giving me the mutation that allows me to get by on virtually no sleep. Fortunately, I haven’t inherited any really weird stuff, which I believe to be a conflict between human and alien genes, fighting in a never-ending internal struggle for control of the brain.

So what other benefits does my alien sleep rhythm provide me with? Take a look at Psychology Today’s article, Sleep: Strange Bedfellows.

Study Reveals, “Human Brain Will Believe Anything”

In the movie business, there’s this thing called “suspension of disbelief.” Suspension of disbelief is required when we are watching something on screen that is so outrageously impossible that the audience must disregard their knowledge of the real world in order to accept that what they just saw can actually happen.

Suspension of Disbelief

It’s this suspension of belief that makes it even remotely possible for people to enjoy movies like Top Gun (in order to believe that Tom Cruise could ever possibly make it through the Naval Academy and become an officer) or *shudder* Armageddon.

In another pointless study, researchers discovered that our brains are apparently designed to believe lies that are told to us, thus explaining why humans are so easily brainwashed, so quick to believe conspiracy theories, and can stand to watch movies like Armageddon.

Research showed that even when test subjects knew the truth, they tended to believe lies counter to what they knew to be true. Weird huh?

Read the full story at Reuters.

Religion NOT to Blame for World’s Problems

“Religious” violence, hatred and bigotry, and everything else that’s wrong in the world. Personally, I blame it on the natural stupidity of man. Animals express violence on occasion. Are they fighting over whose god is better? Do dogs chase cats, barking at them, “Dog god is true, cat god is false! Die cat, die!”

Do you honestly think our pal Osama would stop preaching death and violence if the entire world converted to Islam? Well, considering they can’t even decide which version of Islam is correct, I really doubt it. But what if we all joined Osama’s Islam?

My dad used to say, “If you get rid of guns, people will just find something else to kill with.” Cain didn’t have a gun, but he sure didn’t let it stop him.

Get rid of religion, and people will just find another reason to kill. It’s called power, lust, jealousy — remember Helen of Troy? The Spartans didn’t have guns either.

And here’s my reason (since I don’t give a flying crap what god(s) you pray to): My neighbor’s dog keeps crapping on my lawn. His dog is going to either stop crapping on my lawn, or it’s going to die.

My anger and desire to commit violence has nothing to do with the god my neighbor (or his dog) worships. I have a completely different reason for wanting to kill. So you see, the stupidity of my neighbor causes violence. Or am I stupid for wanting to kill over a little dog crap on my lawn?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Now THAT’S worth fighting over! Get ready for some scientific violence boy and girls!

Scientific Studies Yet Again Prove Their Worth

In 2006, the geeks of the world brought us 50 new earth-shattering discoveries that, I don’t know, maybe saved a hamster’s life or something.

As 2007 begins to wind down, geeks have been no less virulent in their quest for new knowledge. So what are our universities and smartest scientists all figuring out with their very expensive studies? Here are a few highlights:

Polluted Air is Bad for You

Thanks, ’cause I had no idea hacking up a lung after inhaling air so thick you can cut it with a knife meant that it was killing me.

Buying Cigarettes Costs Money

Now wait a minute. You mean to tell me that spending money on cigarettes actually costs money? Wow! Well, at least spending money on other things, like pointless studies, doesn’t cost money! Or does it? Maybe we should do a study on that.

If You’re Dying, the Longer it Takes to Get to the Hospital the more Likely You are to Die

I’ll remember to tip my ambulance driver better next time.

Teenage Drivers Are More Likely to Behave Irresponsibly Behind the Wheel

Here’s another news breaker for you: get a bunch of teens together and they can be incredibly annoying. Shocking but true.

Taking Cocaine in Conjunction with Alcohol is Not Good for the Brain

So apparently cocaine does NOT counteract the effects of being a stupid drunk. If you’ve got stock in cocaine, you might want to dump it now before word gets out.

People Are Harder to Recognize the Farther Away they Are

Seriously! The reason this is true: the farther away something is, the more difficult it is to see. Hmmm… so THAT’S why I can’t see Pluto at night!

Well, that was almost all of them. But if you want to read about the remaining pointless studies where we learned really (not) important stuff as a result, check it out.

In fairness to those who conducted these studies, the article pointed out that it is apparently easier to get funding for studies designed to prove the obvious. Scientists often lobby for grant money to conduct stupid studies in order to fund more important research.

Okay, so the scientists have an excuse. But what do the institutions giving up the money have to say for themselves? Maybe we should conduct a study. Anybody want to fund me on that one?

Going Green? Give Up the Red

Apparently vegans have known about this for years, but the Brits have just recently come out to officially say that eating less red meat and dairy products will help cut back on greenhouse gas emissions.

Apparently livestock – which there is a lot of due to the worldwide demand for meat – puts out boatloads of greenhouse gases in the form of farts. Yes, you heard me right. Farting contributes to global warming. So if you ever needed a good reason to cut back on the burritos, this is it.

According to vegans, the idea behind eating less meat and dairy is that it will cut back on cow farming, thereby reducing cow farting.

EPA Enforcement Task Force

Personally, I don’t think the vegans go far enough. Us humans have the technology and smarts to put an end to the flatulence contribution of our very own species. I hereby declare that Beano should be a required part of every human’s diet! And no, I don’t hold stock in Beano… why do you ask?

Your DNA Is Not Like My DNA

So you’ve probably heard it touted around by the scientific community that a chimp’s DNA is 99% similar to human DNA, and that there is only 0.1% difference in DNA between any two humans, meaning to say that you and I – or anybody else – are 99.9% similar.

Well, scientist have just discovered some new variances in DNA that put those numbers into question. According the new research, us humans are actually up to a whopping 1% different from each other, while chimp similarity gets pushed back to 95 percent.

And you know, I always felt that there was something more than a 0.1% difference between myself and my coworkers. Take a look at this recent office photo:

Chimp versus Human DNAThat’s me in the middle. Be serious now. The guy on the left is just plain ugly. I mean… there’s no way he’s 99.9% similar to me!

The guy on the right is Canadian. He’s a good guy, but you don’t want to make him angry. He has a weird tendency to fling poo when he’s angry.