Category Archives: Crazy Conversations

A Long-Winded Reply To Pascal’s Wager

People use Pascal’s Wager on me surprisingly often, which I don’t understand as it’s been done to death and is easily defeated by simply asking the question, “Which of the tens of thousands of gods being worshiped today is the one to be faithful to?”

The petty one that created us solely to have us worship it because it has such a fragile ego it’ll send us to an eternity of misery if we don’t endlessly praise it despite a rational disbelief in the absurd, supernaturally-based proposal for its existence? Or the one who gave us free will but then killed everyone and everything because he didn’t like the way they used their free will despite knowing in advance the way in which they’d end up behaving? Or the one with blue skin and four arms whose followers have the highest retention rate, by a fair margin, of all the religions of the world? Or perhaps the one worshiped by nearly 2 billion people, the most loved god of all time?

Pascal's Terrible Wager

Blaise Pascal: brilliant mathematician, terrible gambler.

If there is an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving god — as the culture I was brought up in and indoctrinated with from the age of 5 would have me believe — then I would expect Continue reading

English Grammar: It’s Not Rocket Science!

My wife showed me a tweet recently in which the author used a sentence containing the words “there”, “their”, and “they’re” with correct usage for each. The author then ended with, “It’s not rocket science!”

Inferiority ComplexYou’re exactly right. It’s not rocket science. It’s English. And, just like rocket science, there are people who are good at it and others who are not. In no way is the ability to consistently use correct grammar reflective of a person’s intelligence, wisdom, or moral fiber. It’s a reflection on Continue reading

Most Philosophy is Bad Philosophy

I was listening to the philosopher Stefan Molyneux one day when he said, “Most philosophy that you hear is like people staring at helium balloons and saying, ‘Well, I guess everything falls up!’”

Once you’ve reached any level of enlightenment, you quickly realize how true that is. Just try browsing Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, or any of a litany of social networks available today and you’ll quickly see an absolute s#!tload of bad philosophy getting posted and reposted over and over again.

I’ll provide just this one example. Hopefully it will help you open your mind and look deeper than the surface of these overly-simplistic views of the world.

Love Yourself First
Take a good hard look at the image on the left. Okay… not that hard.

It’s true that you cannot love others if you don’t love yourself. But it’s also true that Continue reading

Always Order Food from the “Questionable” Looking Fellow

I remember a time when you would visit the Sconecutter in Orem late at night (which I often did back in the day when I worked graveyards) and there would be several questionable looking fellows working the drive thru. Thing was, these long-haired druggy looking freaks took the greatest of care in putting your order together. No finer sandwiches were ever built!

But now, thanks to a little economic downturn, more people are willing to accept Continue reading

Effects of Mass Twittering on the Space-Time Continuum: The Relation Between Black Holes and the Twitterverse

On August 27, 2009, I pondered, “What would happen if I really tweeted the way that Twitter haters say all tweeples tweet?” Following that, I announced my intention to, “…do it as an experiment starting tomorrow.”

At 22:28 that same night I stated, as a warning, “Alright my friends and followers, my tweeting-like-a-real-twerson(???) experiment begins tomorrow morning. It’s gonna get nasty!”

A cousin of mine and FaceBook friend, John Lisonbee, commented on my above statement with, “Nasty, or just twittery?” to which I replied, “Twisty maybe?”

The morning of August 28, 2009 the grand experiment began. My intention: cause the creation of a Continue reading

Another Jacked Up Chain Letter

Those who know me know I hate chain letters. And not just the ones that try and scam you out of money. I hate them ALL!

Usually, I just ignore them. But every once in a while, I’ll shoot a little something back. That was the case with this chain letter (which I actually got about a year ago). First, the chain letter, then my response.

How old is Grandpa or Grandma?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: Continue reading

Death to Daylight Savings: Stu’s Greatest Hits

Every year we go through the torture of “springing forward” in order to… what? Partake in congress’ brilliant energy savings plan? Have more time to partake in leisurely activities? Tell Benjamin Franklin, “Ha! The joke’s on you!”

All I know is that Arizona, Hawaii, and the Hopi Nation are all smarter than the rest of the U.S.

During the first couple of months that we switched to daylight savings time, I ranted about it via Continue reading

I Used to Think the People on “Jay Walking” Were Fake

You know what I’m talking about. The Tonight Show skit where Jay Leno walks the streets asking people simple questions to showcase the stupidity of seemingly regular folks?

There’s no way anybody anywhere can be that stupid, right? I mean, either these people are faking stupidity just so they can have their 15 seconds of fame (because obviously Jay isn’t going to show anyone getting the answers right) or they are simply having a brain fart… question after question after question.

Now imagine that you Continue reading

How to Get Your Coworkers Fired

Office antics are always great fun. But can they ever go too far?

I don’t know about that. But I do know they can definitely be taken advantage of to get rid of certain coworkers that you don’t much care for.

One common office antic that is quite universal is to mess with somebody’s workstation when they leave it unattended and unlocked. If you know time is short, then you are probably limited to accessing their email or instant messenger software to send funny messages or something else equally useless.

If you have plenty of time, a classic is to take a screenshot of their desktop, make it the wallpaper, then hide the taskbar and desktop icons. When the unsuspecting victim returns, their computer will appear to have locked up on them.

OR…

You send an instant message to yourself, walk back to your own workstation to respond, and back and forth having a conversation with the victim — or so it appears:

Framing your coworker

By taking a screenshot of the threats on your life, you can send the image to your boss, thereby getting him or her fired. If you really want to get crazy, you can call the cops. Threatening another person’s life is against the law!

One thing you must be certain of, however, is to not make the mistake I made and talk like yourself when you are pretending to be the intended victim. Also, make sure that your boss values you more than the coworker you’re trying to get rid of. Otherwise you’ll end up like me, in the boss’ doghouse — or worse, fired yourself!

Extensive kissing up prior to conducting the framing of your coworker is recommended. But that’s a whole other post.

Tribute to Those Time-Wasting MySpace Surveys

This is my very first attempt at creating the world’s greatest work of art — the MySpace Survey! Seriously now. What would we ever do without them? Me? I might actually get some work done.

Okay… I figure these viral surveys were at one time intended to extract surprisingly unusual information from other people, thereby (in theory) allowing you to get to know your MySpace “friends” better.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way MySpace surveys turned into some kind of crazed, excessively long, psychotic questionnaires;  most of them containing a series of utterly unrelated questions — the answers to which don’t serve the original spirit of the MySpace survey.

I once heard that, “One person CAN make a difference!” So I’m here to bring the MySpace survey back to its original (albeit probably less glorious) honor! I like to call it…

The MySpace Stuvey

Get it? It’s a Stu survey. Stuvey. Survey by Stu. Ahh… whatever. Just take the dang thing!

Just remember the all-important Stuvey rules:

  • You must answer all questions HONESTLY! I don’t care if it will ruin every relationship you’ve ever had and result in your incarceration. Speak the truth you psychos!
  • You must send the survey to the person who sent it to you, then broadcast it to EVERYBODY on your friends list. Especially the ones who will forever hate you after seeing your answers.
  • If you think someone won’t respond, you must leave some kind of threat in order to encourage them to respond. Look, nobody escapes a Stuvey. Understand?
  • If you can think of a question that a) is incredibly naughty b) potentially embarrassing c) contains innuendo that can easily be mistaken as sexual explicit and/or d) is completely unrelated to the rest of the questions, then you must add it to the Stuvey before sending it along.

Okay, that’s pretty much it. Now that you’ve lost interest, let’s get started shall we?

If you had a billion dollars, what would your first $1 million+ purchase be?
Man, a billion dollars would barely pay for the yacht I want. So I guess I’d have to settle for a time machine that will allow me to go back and attend a certain event, the name of which I shall never mention.

If you could go back in time and attend any event that ever happened, what event would you choose and why?
Gabby and Joel’s wedding. I’ll never say why, but it may or may not involve having a threesome with a couple of the attendees. Weddings are great places to pickup people! At least, that’s what Hollywood tells me. I would then send a letter to my past self instructing him to place very large bets on certain sports events, thereby making myself a billionaire allowing me to build a time machine and go back in time to attend the event discussed in the previous question… which event I shall never reveal.

If you could create a new area of study for people to major in during college, what would you call it and what would it be about?
The area of study would be called “Stuism” and would be about the philosophies of Stu. Since Stu is always right, study of Stuism would be a required course, thus making the world a better place for all!

Are you able to admit that you are sometimes wrong?
Are you kidding? I’m wrong all the time! If people were to follow my teachings, it would probably destroy the world.

Vegetarianism. Good or bad?
I am 100% against anything that harms poor defenseless animals. We should all become vegetarians and stop harming our fellow citizens of the Earth! Lions should also stop eating zebras.

Dog or cat?
Hmm… cat tastes better if you prepare it right, but there’s usually more meat on a dog.

What is your most secret sexual fantasy?
It’s very complex. Far too much so to tell you about it here. How’s that for an excuse to get out of answering a Stuvey question, huh? Ha!

If you could be any superhero, who would it be and why?
Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four so I could fulfill my innermost sexual fantasy by being with multiple women at the same time, all of whom are in different rooms all over the Baxter Building.

Take your number 1, divide by your number 3, resolve the square root thereof, and multiply by the natural logarithm. Would you ever make out with that person?
Umm… yes? Wait, no. Well, maybe. Is that person Mandy Moore? Where’s the “resolve” button on my calculator?!

Don’t get eaten by a jellyfish!There you have it folks. My apologies that it wasn’t 50 times longer like your standard MySpace survey. And for those of you thinking about not taking the first ever MySpace Stuvey yourself, the last person who refused to do so died in a horrible accident when the plane they were traveling on exploded, causing them to fall 10,000 feet through the air — on fire the entire way down — landing in the ocean to put out the flame, causing them to think that they would be saved, only to be chopped into a million pieces by a huge cargo boat’s propeller and eaten by jellyfish.

If you don’t want to be eaten by jellyfish, you’d better take the Stuvey!