Category Archives: Plain Flat Out Stupidity

Give a Crazy Person a Bunch of Lottery Numbers, and This is What Happens

So an interesting thing happened to me today. I was checking my external hard drive (a 2 TB monster I bought a couple years ago) to see if I had ever backed up the DVD for The Incredible Hulk to it. Why was I doing this? I wanted to get the quote from Edward Norton — as Bruce Banner — saying in Portuguese, “Don’t make me hungry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry.”

Sadly, I had never backed up that movie. But while I was digging around in my hard drive, I discovered Continue reading

He Whom The Gods Wish To Destroy, First Makes Angry

I’ve got an angry streak. There’s just no denying it. I’ve tried and tried to overcome it, I’ve prayed and prayed for God to lift it from me. But I never have gotten over it.

The best I was ever able to do was to try and control my behavior that resulted from my being angry. Unfortunately, that method of “control” has a huge flaw; I wasn’t doing anything about the anger.

I suppose it could be said that modifying my behavior was a bit like dumping oatmeal in your car’s radiator when it has a hole in it. Sure, the oatmeal might keep Continue reading

The Foolishness of a FaceBook “Intelligence” Quiz

So I saw that a FaceBook friend of mine had taken a FaceBook intelligence quiz and got the result of “genius.” Personally, I hate FaceBook quizzes and so generally try to ignore them. However, that there was one that supposedly tested your intelligence… well, I simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make fun of it!

So I took the quiz and got the result of “pretty smart,” and was told that I got “most of them right.” Okay, right off the bat, you should know that there are only eight questions to this quiz. And I’m pretty sure I Continue reading

What’s the Definition of Insanity Again?

Something about doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results, right? Somebody should have told a certain Michigan teenager.

UPI recently reported that a teen in Kalamazoo was arrested for marijuana possession. So the cops hauled him in and later released him on $100 bail. In his brilliance, the kid went back to the exact same spot where he was arrested and — no joke — started rolling himself a marijuana joint.

In his defense though, the kid did do something a little different. He was packing a little crack the second time around. Didn’t help change the outcome though. He was arrested again and hauled in for possession of marijuana, crack cocaine, and violating bond.

Geniuses. They’re everywhere!

I Used to Think the People on “Jay Walking” Were Fake

You know what I’m talking about. The Tonight Show skit where Jay Leno walks the streets asking people simple questions to showcase the stupidity of seemingly regular folks?

There’s no way anybody anywhere can be that stupid, right? I mean, either these people are faking stupidity just so they can have their 15 seconds of fame (because obviously Jay isn’t going to show anyone getting the answers right) or they are simply having a brain fart… question after question after question.

Now imagine that you Continue reading

The New New American Dream

Ah yes. The American dream. It used to go something like this:

  1. Immigrate to America, land of promise
  2. Start a business and work hard
  3. Profit!

Then, thanks largely to a Ms. Liebeck (lady who spilled McDonald’s coffee on herself and sued for millions), the new American dream became:

  1. Visit a large, powerful, but most importantly wealthy corporation
  2. Intentionally injure yourself while on the property or using something obtained from the corporation
  3. Find a sleazy lawyer
  4. Profit!

But now, the American dream has been taken to a whole new level. You may have heard about one Tina Sherman. She purportedly took nude photos of herself and sent them to her husband’s cell phone. Her husband, which sources say isn’t the brightest tool in the shed (nor even the sharpest bulb), left the phone at a McDonalds.

The husband calls the McDonald’s and asks them to secure it for him. And apparently it takes the guy a few weeks to finally retrieve his phone because an employee supposedly took the phone and posted the nude photos on the web along with Tina’s phone number and address.

Tina, before her husband can get back to the McDonald’s to retrieve his phone, starts receiving text messages from people who “like what they see.”

So Tina and Co. file suit against McDonald’s for $3 million. But there’s a hitch (actually, a few):

  • McDonald’s isn’t the one that took the nude photos
  • They aren’t the ones that were stupid enough to leave the phone lying around with nude photos of their wife on it
  • Umm… oh yeah — this is the big one — IT’S A SCAM!

Seems that the photos of Tina Sherman don’t exist, nor does the website where the photos were reportedly posted. What does this all mean? The new new American Dream is:

  1. Get to know some sleazy person that works for a large, powerful, but most importantly wealthy corporation
  2. In cahoots with the sleazy corporate employee, setup a not-so-elaborate or well-thought out scheme
  3. Find a REALLY sleazy lawyer
  4. Profit!

So it didn’t work out this go around. But maybe in a few more years, when people are even dumber than they are today, the scam will work. The Sherman’s? They’re just ahead of their time.

A Big Thank You to All the Blog Comment Spammers Out There

Yep. You know who you are.

Why am I thanking you? It’s weird, I know. You’re probably accustomed to being hated. But here’s the thing. Can you ever hate some one who is so mentally devoid that they can’t seem to do anything correctly for themselves?

Here’s a typical spam post on my blog:

Spammers = Low IQ

As you can see, placing “Nice site,” at the beginning is the smartest thing they can do to try and trick me into allowing the comment.

Now, my blog isn’t particularly hugely popular (I know, I know… I’ve bragged about it’s viewership in the past. I was just trying to make my lowly self feel better :( ) so when I saw these spam comments, I’d just delete them.

Then one day, I got 60 spam comments. I thought to my self, “Wow! I’m more popular than I thought!” Sure, there are some blogs that get a dozen spam every five minutes; but for me, getting 60 in one day was a major turning point in my life.

No longer did I get so little spam that they were simply a minor annoyance. Now, suddenly, my blog was attracting enough spam to make it a headache! Thus I finally installed Akismet.

So thank you comment spammers for getting me to do what I should have done years ago!

Have Something Worth Tweeting Over? I Do

Well, I resisted for as long as I could. But for the many millions of you who have ruthlessly emailed me over and over again that I need to blog more often in order to make your lives worth living, I have joined the masses by starting a tweet, or whatever they call it when you start a Twitter thing.

You can now get your Stu fix multiple times a day. I figured this would be good since there are probably a million things that I want to blog about, but simply don’t have the time (stupid job!), so writing a real quick and short tweet about them all ought to satisfy both myself and my raving fans.

Join my incredibly huge fan club of 3 followers at http://twitter.com/stuthewise

I’ll see you on the next tweet!

New Super Collider May Create “Holes of Color” or How to Make a Complete Fool of Yourself

The Hadron Super Collider (LHC) is about to go on line next month. Now who would think that destroying microscopic particles smaller than an atom could cause so much fuss? Well, apparently the Hadron Collider just might destroy the Earth… or so says the Lifeboat Foundation, who has recommended the creation of a particle accelerator shield.

The concern is that the immense energy that the LHC will create via its super-duper destruction of protons could result in the creation of miniature black holes singularities-that-are-super-massive-with-gravity-so-strong-even-light-can’t-escape. Cause for major concern, right?

Well, only problem is that even if these “holes of the universe which emit no light” are created, they will be so miniscule — having 5,000 times the mass of a proton (a booger produces more gravity than ones of these things) — as to not be an issue. Secondly, Stephen Hawking (whoever that is… I heard he’s like really smart or something) calculates (hopefully he didn’t forget to carry the 2 during his calculation!) that such micro-singularities will throw off more mass than they they are able to absorb due to their incredibly small size, thereby only lasting for a very short period of time.

So… method #1 of making a fool of yourself is to recommend the creation of something to protect yourself from an impossible scenario. On the other hand, people said the same thing about Noah when he started building a huge ark. Next thing you know, he lives and everybody else dies. Hmmm…

Now if you’re wondering why the hell I’ve been talking about super-massive singularities of the universe that don’t emit light rather than calling them by their common name, well, it’s because I really don’t want to offend anyone.

… ppphhhh

BWAH HAHAHA! Oh yeah, because I CARE so much about not offending dumbasses who are busy being offended for a living!

Dumbasses can be white too!Which brings me to method #2 of how to make a fool out of yourself: tell every astrophysicist in the world that they are racist scum for using the term “black hole.” Tell every chef, cook, and lover of desserts that “devil’s food cake” and “angel food cake” are also racist terms. Oh yeah, the term “black sheep” is a racist term too because it means you’re “bad” and it has the word “black” in it.

Alright, get a grip. Sheep are normally white. Black sheep are rare. Being the black sheep doesn’t mean you’re bad, it means you are different than the rest. Secondly, a black sheep is still a sheep. I doubt the sheep is offended by being compared to a human. Although the sheep might change its mind after seeing how stupid we’ve become as a people. Dude, a black sheep refers to a person’s personality and the way he/she chooses to live their life, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

A black hole is called such because it emits no light, thus making it black. NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE!

Angel food cake and devil’s food cake are CAKES, not people! You honestly think the guy that created devil’s food cake said to himself, “Gee, what should I call this? I know, it’s dark and evil looking so I’ll name it devil’s food cake to disguise the fact that I’m really referring to that evil black race of people! It’ll be my cruel joke on their entire race. Mwah hahaha!”

You are helping keep racism alive and well by taking every opportunity to bring up your race, even when your race is obviously not involved in any way shape or form.

I think black holes are the thing we need to worry about the least. We are more likely to destroy ourselves from becoming so offended by everything that everybody will die from fear of offending anybody else. Then the only people that will be left in the world are Seth McFarlane and the idiots who intentionally offend.

Stop making your non-caucasioness your scapegoat for everything would ya? You’re making a bad name for all the other stupid people out there who aren’t as stupid as you.