Category Archives: My Crazy Job

Unplug Your Cell Phone Charger When Not In Use!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this is some sort of message to be environmentally friendly by unplugging your cell phone charger when it’s not in use so it doesn’t sit there drawing power all day.

Well, sure, there is that. But my message to you today is a matter of life and death. My concern is not that you are draining life from our planet Earth, but that you may very well be putting your life — and the lives of others — at risk, not to mention the much bigger issue of possibly contributing to the complete destruction of Continue reading

How to Get Your Coworkers Fired

Office antics are always great fun. But can they ever go too far?

I don’t know about that. But I do know they can definitely be taken advantage of to get rid of certain coworkers that you don’t much care for.

One common office antic that is quite universal is to mess with somebody’s workstation when they leave it unattended and unlocked. If you know time is short, then you are probably limited to accessing their email or instant messenger software to send funny messages or something else equally useless.

If you have plenty of time, a classic is to take a screenshot of their desktop, make it the wallpaper, then hide the taskbar and desktop icons. When the unsuspecting victim returns, their computer will appear to have locked up on them.

OR…

You send an instant message to yourself, walk back to your own workstation to respond, and back and forth having a conversation with the victim — or so it appears:

Framing your coworker

By taking a screenshot of the threats on your life, you can send the image to your boss, thereby getting him or her fired. If you really want to get crazy, you can call the cops. Threatening another person’s life is against the law!

One thing you must be certain of, however, is to not make the mistake I made and talk like yourself when you are pretending to be the intended victim. Also, make sure that your boss values you more than the coworker you’re trying to get rid of. Otherwise you’ll end up like me, in the boss’ doghouse — or worse, fired yourself!

Extensive kissing up prior to conducting the framing of your coworker is recommended. But that’s a whole other post.

More Cellphone Photos

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted. Yep, it’s been a little crazy busy lately. But now that I get a nice four-day weekend, I figured I’d put a little sumthin’-sumthin’ up.

Longtime readers may be wondering where my anti-Christmas rant is for the year. Well, like I said, it’s been busy. But this and this ought to suffice.

In the meantime, I think it’s time for another cellphone pictures post.

First up: Here’s a picture of a Murcielago I happened upon on my way home from work one day.

Lamborghini Mucielago

That huge blob at the bottom of the photo? My finger. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Luckily, my fingers didn’t get in the way of this next one.

I saw this ’57 ‘Vette on my way back from lunch one day. I stopped and asked the owner if I could take a picture.

1957 Chevy Corvette

Here’s an interesting look into my work (although this incident happened at my previous job). An intro might help. Since I worked in the marketing department of this company, I had gone out and purchased Cory Rudl’s (may he rest in peace) Internet Marketing thingermajinger lesson book thing. It cost me $200.

Well, our biz dev manager worked out a partner deal with these guys, went up to Canada to visit them, and received two free copies of an updated version.

After screaming, “What the hell?!” I grabbed my $200 copy and threw on the ground, picked it up and threw it again. The pages all came flying out of the binder. My coworker, Ryan (aka Buck as most of us call him), was not happy that I was making a mess of the workplace, so he grabbed all the papers and threw them all over my cubicle. Nice!

IMC Death

Speaking of Buck, this is what happens at my former work place when you decide to go on vacation:

Buck returns from vacation

Yeah, so Buck and I had worked up to 4 weeks of paid vacation, but you have to really think hard about whether or not you actually wanted to ever use it.

As long as we’re on the subject of childish behavior…

So I’ve been teaching Sunday School to teenagers in the various wards I’ve lived in for the last 3 out of 4 years. In my previous ward, one of my students grabbed my phone and snapped this photo while I wasn’t looking:

Britney steals Stu's phone

Sorry for embarrassing you Britney. She is actually a very pretty girl when she’s not making faces. No, really!

And just to show that teenage behavior is the same no matter where you live; in my new ward, another one of my students stole my phone and snapped this beautiful picture of my hand.

Jake steals Stu's phone

Remember the biz dev manager that resulted in the death of my Internet Marketing thinger manual? Well, he broke his ankle a while back, and I had the pleasure of being among the first to sign his cast.

Jared's broken ankle

As long as we’re on Jared, the biz dev manager; he often gets to go to free Jazz games where one of the partners he works with owns a suite. At one game, while he was stuffing his face with all-you-can eat shrimp and crab legs, I was up in the nose bleeds with my good buddy Brad.

Brad and Stu at a Jazz game

And yes, we really were in the nose bleed section:

Nose bleeds at a Jazz game

And finally…

I have to apologize to Senator Edwards on this for a rather unflattering photo of him, but I was trying to hurry and snap this before it changed.

This occurred during a democratic presidential debate several weeks ago.

John Edwards at presidential debate

I think the look on Edwards’ face makes it clear what his thoughts on the matter are: “What the hell is a positon?”

So there you have it folks. A nice long post to make up for a long absence.

Edit: 12/28/2007

One sweet show-winning Mustang for good measure:

Mustang II

Your DNA Is Not Like My DNA

So you’ve probably heard it touted around by the scientific community that a chimp’s DNA is 99% similar to human DNA, and that there is only 0.1% difference in DNA between any two humans, meaning to say that you and I – or anybody else – are 99.9% similar.

Well, scientist have just discovered some new variances in DNA that put those numbers into question. According the new research, us humans are actually up to a whopping 1% different from each other, while chimp similarity gets pushed back to 95 percent.

And you know, I always felt that there was something more than a 0.1% difference between myself and my coworkers. Take a look at this recent office photo:

Chimp versus Human DNAThat’s me in the middle. Be serious now. The guy on the left is just plain ugly. I mean… there’s no way he’s 99.9% similar to me!

The guy on the right is Canadian. He’s a good guy, but you don’t want to make him angry. He has a weird tendency to fling poo when he’s angry.

News from eBay Live! in Boston

Okay, so I’ve been back for a bit now and have been meaning to report on my trip to eBay Live! in Boston. Well, here it is late, but better than never.

Click on the pictures to see a larger, higher quality image:

My former employer, Doba, paid for my plane ticket to Boston. Here’s their exhibition booth in action.

And here it is, after the show, being torn down.

Here is a view of the Long Wharf Harbor from my hotel room.

This is the same harbor where the infamous Boston Tea Party occurred.

eBayers are crazy, as shown by this hoard mobbing an eBay employee in order to receive… what? A pound of gold? A barrel of silver? Try a tiny little pin. Hey, eBayers LOVE their pins!

Here’s a shot of the historic Faneuil Hall Market Place. Just up the way a bit is Faneuil Hall’s most famous tourist attraction, the Cheers bar.

My former manager at Doba, a corporate blogging expert, presented a class on how to increase your eBay business with blogging. The class was very well attended, and my old boss was mobbed afterwards

Quite a surprise to me was the fact that he used my blog, alongside his, as an example of personal blogs. Hmm… I smell a law suit! ;)

Doba CEO, Jeremy Hanks, was kind enough to take several of us to the Kingfish Hall Restaurant, winner of many restaurant awards. Let me tell you, seafood is about 100 times better tasting in Boston than anywhere in Utah!

That’s all for now. I’ll post more pictures later in the week.

Heading to Boston for eBay Live! 2007

So I’m heading off to Boston for my fourth eBay Live! event. Originally, I was to attend for Doba. Well, they bought me a plane ticket before I quit working there (and before I knew that they were planning on sending me). And so, even though I don’t work there anymore, they offered to fly me to Boston anyhow.

Upon hearing this, I went to work convincing my new employer that it would be beneficial to send me to eBay Live! Thus, I have room and board paid for by OrangeSoda while Doba takes care of the plane ticket. Not a bad deal, even if it is a bit unconventional.

Within the United States, this will be by far the farthest east I have ever been. Prior to tomorrow, the farthest east I’ve visited in the U.S. was New Orleans when I attended eBay Live! 2004. Prior to that however, Colorado marked the farthest east I had ever traveled within the States.

It adds another state I can add to the very few that I have visited in my life: California (state of my birth), Utah, Hawaii (lay over when I was a baby returning from the Philippines), Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona, and Louisiana. Ten states visited, 40 more to go!

Subjectio
My plans during my visited to historical Massachusetts include egging Paul Revere’s house, dumping two tons of chocolate mix into the harbor, hacking into the computer databases of MIT to award myself a PhD. in metaphysics, and changing the Harvard motto from “veritas” (meaning “truth”) to “subjectio” (meaning “falsehood”).

Actually I’d prefer to go do some card counting and poker playing in Atlantic City, but at 450 miles from Boston, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway, I’ll take lots of pictures and let you know how it goes.

New Place, New Fizz

After three years with one of the finest companies one could ever hope to work for, I’ve decided to take a pretty big risk by leaving Doba and going with a new start up that might just go under any day.

In my time at Doba, I watched them grow about 2,000% in annual revenue, about 900% in number of employees, and grow countless amounts in countless other ways. I leave behind over 4 weeks of paid vacation, a killer health and dental plan, company shares, and coworkers (who I consider to be close friends) that most people only ever dream of having the opportunity to work with.

As news spread, I was asked by many of my friends why I was leaving. My honest answer was that I had no good reason. I simply felt like it was time for a change.
My decision to leave was perhaps one of the hardest I’ve ever made in my life. But once I did, things happened very quickly. About two days later, without ever applying or inquiring, an offer was made to me by the folks at OrangeSoda. I accepted the next day and now here I am.

Things are a little different here. To begin with, I’m now the new guy. Nobody knows me here, whereas everybody knew me at Doba. When the first company newsletter for employees came out, my name was missing from the “new employees” list. In fact, I’m not even sure I’m on the payroll. I haven’t filled out any paperwork yet.

At Doba, I knew virtually everything about the company, its technology, and internal workings. At OrangeSoda, I know very little of those things. At Doba, I was employee #3. OrangeSoda, I’m somewhere on the order of employee #35. At Doba, I was good friends with the founders, owners, executives, and managers. Here, I’m friends with a couple of the cofounders, but am quite distant from other executives, most of whom I have yet to meet.

The good part is the “fizz”. At Doba, most of my writing had to do with educating our members, and generally had to be on a serious note. At OrangeSoda (where we handle internet marketing for businesses), most of my writing is for client content, landing pages, and the like.

Because OrangeSoda’s tagline is “Marketing… with Fizz,” I am expected to inject “fizz” into the content I write. Apparently my “fizziness” was in large part responsible for why I was chosen for this role.

While I am most comfortable writing fiction – what some might call “crazy fiction” (if only there were a Crazy Fiction category for the Nobel Prize) – the chance to inject some of my personality, something that I generally have to suppress due to the rules of society, into my work is a big relief for me.

Now, my writing strength is in fiction because, well, you get to just make stuff up. Writing an article that talks about three-headed, six-eyed monsters with snake tongues and cat’s paws generally doesn’t fly. With fiction, nobody cares!

Heck, come to think of it, my dream job might be as a writer for The Onion. Well, actually my dream job would be as a motorcycle riding black belt U.S. Marine Recon that flies F/A 18 Hornets and does secret assassinations of evil rabbits from all parts of the world.

Writing stuff that actually has to be true is a little more difficult. Perhaps most difficult for me is coming up with real stuff to actually write about. Here at OrangeSoda, I rarely need to come up with my own stuff. Our clients come to me and say, “Write us an article about three-headed, six-eyed monsters with snake tongues and cat’s paws,” and I’m good to go.

Anyway, after three days at OrangeSoda, things are so far so good. I haven’t had enough time to really observe the culture, but people overall seem like a pretty cool bunch. Nobody’s threatened my life or given me a random kick to the crotch yet, so I’ve gotta wonder how good it really is.

Anyway, I’ll keep you up to date.

Things That Makes Doba Great

Those who know me understand that I absolutely love the company I work for. A couple of weeks after I started working there, I knew it was something special. A friend of mine referred me to a job that paid about 50% more hourly; but with overtime, which was plentiful, it turned out to be about 140% more.

I told the guy, “Forget it. I’m never leaving Doba!”

Foolish? After three years at Doba (my anniversary was February 1) I would dare say… not even close!

What makes it the awesomest place in the world to work?

The environment. We get a lot done, but it hardly feels like work at all. And I consider my coworkers to be good friends, some of the finest people anywhere. My boss is no exception. Despite being a very driven manager, he spoils me to no end, and I have learned a ton under his tutelage.

The founders. You won’t find a more enthusiastic and fun-loving executive team anywhere in the world! I work hard for them because I want them to succeed just as badly as they want me to succeed.

The perks. Thanks to my 3 years of service, I now get 4 weeks and one day of paid vacation this year! I also receive unit options that make me part owner in the company. The company covers somewhere on the order of 75% of my health and dental insurance costs. And we get REAL no-deductible dental insurance from Met Life, not one of those crappy “dental plans.”

Doba Day. This annual founder’s day celebration turns Doba into an absolute madhouse! You haven’t lived until you’ve survived a Doba Day celebration. Mardi Gras ain’t got nothing!

Sure there’s the Doba truck, Doba Mustang, and one of the wildest Christmas parties in the state, but those are all just nice little extras that really mean very little to me when it comes to my love of Doba.

So there you have it. Just a little something to let the world know why I love Doba so much. Long Live the Triumvirate!

Coming: photos to prove all that I have claimed!

Barbarians

I read a blog post recently referring to Pakistanis as barbarians. The reasoning was that many Pakistanis were beating up health officials administering polio vaccinations. Why would they do that? Because many Pakistanis believe that the vaccinations are a conspiracy by Jews and Christians to rid the world of Muslims.

Hmm… I always figured the best way to rid the world of somebody was to simply kill them. You know, with bombs and stuff. Vaccinating against a deadly disease seems like a very ineffective way to off someone. Anyway, I figure they’re just “misunderstood.” Take that however you will.

But if you want true barbarism, you should try using the bathrooms where I work. I don’t know if it’s just one person, or there are many barbarians where I work, but for the past couple months or so somebody has been urinating on the bathroom floor… right in front of the urinal. This happens in multiple bathroom stalls.

And what makes it even worse, I’ll bet you money that whoever it is doesn’t even wash their hands afterward! Man, that’s just nasty.

Dispelling Office Scuttlebutt

So there was a false rumor going around the office that a certain Dread Pirate had outscored me at a certain time wasting game.

Let the truth be revealed!

Before any more false rumors get started around the office regarding the amount of time on my hands (and which could result in my firing)… I achieved this greatness while at home, on a Friday evening, while my wife was at work, and the kids were getting ready for bed. I played the game only twice and stopped after achieving this magnificent score.