Category Archives: Local Craziness

Five Guys in St. George, UT Makes Me Happy

There’s a saying I saw floating around this series of pipes known as the internet. It pertained to the proper way to run a business and went something like this:

Act like taking care of your customers earns you $100 an hour and everything else earns $10 an hour.

Now, I haven’t eaten at but a few different Five Guys locations, all of them here in my home state of Utah. But in all my visits I received a very distinct feeling that they really cared about the customer experience. That is, until I moved to St. George.

To be fair, things are done differently down here. I noticed that Continue reading

Always Order Food from the “Questionable” Looking Fellow

I remember a time when you would visit the Sconecutter in Orem late at night (which I often did back in the day when I worked graveyards) and there would be several questionable looking fellows working the drive thru. Thing was, these long-haired druggy looking freaks took the greatest of care in putting your order together. No finer sandwiches were ever built!

But now, thanks to a little economic downturn, more people are willing to accept Continue reading

Another Edition of Cell Phone Pictures

It’s been awhile since I posted cell phone pictures. I’ve gotten a few good ones since that time, so here they are.

To start things off, what would you expect if you ordered a chicken nugget kid’s meal from Burger King? Probably not what I got when I did the same:

Chicken Nuggets Kids' Meal

Not enough for me to stop loving the Burger King. After all, it’s not his fault minimum wage doesn’t buy good help. Speaking of which, minimum wage quality employees probably explain this next one, taken in the K-Mart toys section: Continue reading

Utah Baby Namer Has a Pet Equivalent

It’s said that Utahn’s have a thing for giving their kids weird names. And, perhaps, that is true. The Mormon influence here has some sway on that I suppose.

I remember going to high school with a kid name Moroni. Working with another named Nephi. Having a college professor named Von Del. Confessing to a bishop named DeVerl. Hearing rumors about a gentleman named Moriancumer (though I haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting him).

Well, if you’re expecting and you just absolutely gotta give your kid some weird and crazy name that will emotionally scar them for life, check out the Utah Baby Namer. No joke. You’ll find some seriously sweet stuff on there.

But for those of you who keeps pets in lieu of kids or (so as to not offend anyone who views their pets as their precious children) as their kids, check out the list of crazy pet names.

One emotionally distressed dog

Sparklemonkey? Now why didn’t I ever think of that?!

How about you? Know of any crazily named people (or pets) — Utahn or otherwise?

3 to 4 Inches of Snow…

So, the weatherman said that we were going to get 3 to 4 inches of snow today. Here’s a picture of my extremely short sons in that 3 to 4 inches of snow:

I got your 3 to 4 inches right here!

The snow start coming down pretty light yesterday afternoon. And the crazy thing is, it never stopped. It may have been light, but it was certainly consistent. It hasn’t stopped since it started and, as of this writing, is still coming down.

Mr. Ruler’s tally so far:

Mr. Ruler says 10 1/2 inches

Have Something Worth Tweeting Over? I Do

Well, I resisted for as long as I could. But for the many millions of you who have ruthlessly emailed me over and over again that I need to blog more often in order to make your lives worth living, I have joined the masses by starting a tweet, or whatever they call it when you start a Twitter thing.

You can now get your Stu fix multiple times a day. I figured this would be good since there are probably a million things that I want to blog about, but simply don’t have the time (stupid job!), so writing a real quick and short tweet about them all ought to satisfy both myself and my raving fans.

Join my incredibly huge fan club of 3 followers at http://twitter.com/stuthewise

I’ll see you on the next tweet!

Mind Stimulating Conversation of the Week

So… I stopped by the Macey’s on my way home from work today to pick up a bottle of some sweet Pace Picante Sauce. It was on sale for about a third off. Wow! Could there possibly be a better deal to be had anywhere in the universe? I think not!

Anyway, let’s get to the conversation part shall we?

I hit the express lane. Ten items or less, and I’m second in line. I’ll be out of there in no time! Unfortunately for me, the older gentleman ahead of me was using an archaic payment method. I think they call it “writing a check”?

Okay okay… I know. The conversation.

Okay, so the gentleman ahead of me takes a look at me and says, “Too much basketball?” and pointed at my slung-up arm.

“Too much motorcycling,” I respond.

I was about to continue the conversation when the man’s wife walks up and informs the man that he wrote his check out for the wrong amount. So he tears up his check and starts anew.

Now, this is where things get interesting. After the man finishes writing his new check and hands it to the amazingly hot cashier (yes, as you’ll find later on, the hotness of the cashier is an important factor to the story) he turns to me and says, “You know, six years ago they found a tumor in my colon that was this big,” and he holds his hands up to express a tumor that is roughly the size of an orange.

Okay. Now for some people, that might be a perfectly normal thing to say to a complete stranger that you meet in the checkout lane of the local grocery store. But for me, not so much.

My first thought was to respond with, “Wow, that is really gross!”

I managed to get out, “Wow…” before catching myself and realizing the rest probably isn’t very socially acceptable. Yeah, talking about your gigantic, cancerous, stage three colonic tumor is okay. Saying that talking about your gigantic, cancerous, stage three colonic tumor is gross is a bit inappropriate; or so says Miss Manners.

A bit taken aback, I’m not sure how to respond, so I say, “You know, I write for a living and I’ve written a lot about cancer treatments. It’s amazing what they can do these days.”

So after I learn that after 6 months of chemo treatments — no radiotherapy! — the tumor disappeared, the cashier has rung up my picante sauce and, looking quite apologetic for interrupting our stimulating discussion about cancer in the 7th planet from the Sun (Uranus… get it? Hahaha! It never gets old!), tells me I owe her $2.05. I hand my cash over.

The man then says he’s gotta go and bids farewell. Of all the places to get tongue tied! I wasn’t sure what to say. I almost said, “Good luck!”

Then, realizing that would be stupid (we’re in Orem Utah, not an unregulated whore house in Reno), I stammer out, “Have a good one!”

I turn to the amazingly hot cashier, who I would normally have been quite charming with, and simply thank her for allowing me the pleasure of spending my money

The end.

Nobody is THAT Stupid… Are They?

Machines take over the worldRemember the Family Guy episode where Peter accidentally locks his keys out of his car at the grocery store parking lot? He yells at passersby to hand him his keys which are lying on the ground just outside his car, but nobody helps him.

Something quite similar happened recently. Luckily the girl who locked herself in her car had a cell phone. That’s good because Continue reading

Actors and Spongmonkeys — A Tribute to Elwon Bakly

I was speaking with my friend Elwon Bakly yesterday. Elwon, for those who don’t know, is one of the most talented actors the world has ever known! Well, he would be if the world knew of him.

This speaking with Elwon lead me to consider watching a movie he was in called The Basket. He plays a returning WWII vet who is one pissed mofo at the German Nazi basties who messed him up somethin’ fierce while he was trying to free Europe.

Anyway, so I logged in to my Netflix account to watch the trailer for it. That’s when I realized that I could watch the entire movie (well, the important parts anyway… the parts with Elwon in them) just from the trailer.

So to honor my friend Elwon, I decided to put together this Eltage… or Monwon? Er, I’ll just say Elwon montage. Thus, you can now enjoy the greatness of Elwon Bakly.

Elwon gets a Purple Heart

Angry Elwon

Attack of the Spongmonkeys

Just a Dream

So there you have it folks!

Now, Elwon normally plays comedic roles. However, The Basket is a drama, and Elwon has played the part of Jesus of Nazareth in the past. Nonetheless, if you want to waste your time watching the parts of the movie that don’t have Elwon, well, I guess I won’t hold it against you.

Outback Steakhouse: Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right, It Makes One Very Big Wrong

Outback Steakhouse screws upBeing that this week was perhaps the most stressful week in my life, my wife and I decided to take a date and have a relaxing evening on Friday. Dinner and a movie ought to do the trick, right?

Despite our previous experience with the Outback Steakhouse, we decided to try them again. So what about our last experience? Well, here we go.

Okay, so I order these beef tenderloins (called “fillet grillers” on the menu). I order them well done. My wife orders a 9 oz. center-cut fillet, cooked medium. She was going to order it well done, but I told her she should order it medium since the tendency is for restaurants to overcook steak.

After a bit, here comes the meal. My tenderloins are absolutely perfect! Very very scrumptious indeed. My wife’s steak? It was rare. I mean, we’re talking a barely-dead rare. I took a bite just to be sure and, while it tasted great, neither one of us likes the texture of raw meat, nor do we like our meat cold! This steak was definitely cold on the inside.

Penguins like it rareSo we send it back, and this time ask for it to be done medium well. A few minutes later, it comes back medium rare. We send it back again. This time, the chef/cook comes out and talks to us himself. My wife reiterates her desire for it to be medium well. Finally, after being cooked for the third time, it’s medium well. Except now it’s as tough as rubber!

So, wrong #1 tells us that just because a restaurant has the word “steakhouse” in the name, it doesn’t mean they know how to cook it. That was perhaps a month ago.

Since I loved my tenderloins so much, my wife decides she’d like to order up some. So for our date yesterday, we show up at 6:50 pm to get our name on the list (I figured that would be enough time to get in by 8:00 pm). That’s when we are told the wait is “80 to 90 minutes, so probably a little before 8:20.”

Okay, that’s still enough time to get in, eat, and catch a 10:00 movie. So we run down the the movie theater (about 20 minutes away) and buy our tickets. We then return to Outback Steakhouse to get an update on the time. No change. So we decide to wander through the other stores in the strip mall where Outback Steakhouse is located.

At 8:00, just to be sure we don’t miss a call to be seated, we return to the restaurant. Again, we go in to get a time update. Strangely, 7 minutes had been added to the estimated time. But they assure us, “Absolutely no later than 8:27.” Well, that’s starting to push it, but I figure we can still make it without too much rush.

So, at 8:28, I ask again how we’re looking on time. The lady looks at her list, which I glance at as well, and she says, “You’re next on the list.”

That’s funny, because I notice one name in front of mine that hasn’t been crossed out yet, and several names AFTER mine that are already crossed out. Far be it from me to assume how they keep track of when people get on the list, but I always figured the easiest way to do this is to simply list people in order top to bottom… but since not everybody is as smart as me, I don’t complain that it looks like they’ve sat several people before us that arrived later than us.

Anyway, about five minutes later (and watching 3 other parties get seated before us when we were supposedly “next on the list”) our buzzer goes off, so we approach the maitre d’. “Just one moment,” she tells us as she grabs our buzzer.

So we stand there for a bit, waiting another minute or two. That’s when they call another party up and seat them ahead of us. Uhhh… what the hell?!

At this point, my wife speaks up and asks them why, when we were just called up — after waiting over 10 minutes past the promised seat time — they are seating another party instead of us?

Well, I’m pretty, uh… not taking life very light, so I storm out of the restaurant with a vow to never return for several months when the maitre d’ is hopefully either fired for her total incompetence, or has quit.

I consider time to be one of my most valuable assets. Time is one of those things that, once it’s gone, is impossible to get back. When other people waste it, I’m not very happy about it. My time is for me to waste, not anybody else’s!

Arctice Circle’s fried halibut… Yum!So we wander on over to the Arctic Circle (a local fast food chain here in Utah) and have a quick meal — with substantially faster service heh heh. How about that? 20x faster service for a quarter of the cost! Sweet!

That allows us to get to our movie on time (10,000 B.C. — meh, it was okay) and enjoy the great service of those at the Cinemark 16 movie theater in Provo.

So my recommendation for the next time you’re in Utah County and are looking for a great place to eat? Try out the Chef’s Table, where the beef tenderloins are also quite tasty, and the service unfailingly exquisite (don’t forget to check out their awesome bathroom — the only thing missing is a bidet!)